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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

What happens when the poison antidote becomes the poison?!

I've been online since 1996 ... and one of the things I discovered almost as soon as I became 'that computer person' was that there is a very modern solution for those of us in recovery who have physical, emotional///mental, even lifestyle (three kids under 10?!), reasons why f2f meetings don't always work out - online recovery!  Yes!  

Over the years I've participated in online, real time meetings (when I had a different server), as well as email groups - one that folded, one that I outgrew, one in which I was not told the full details of a service position and so I almost got snowed-under ... but mostly very, very good places to be for recovery!  

There was one that was absolutely pivotal not only to my recovery, but to my entire life ... from this place, I adopted my beloved CoCo, for one thing ... and I made some really deep friendships, that lasted for years and years and included phone conversations, snail mail, even in-person visits!  It was the type of thing that I would parade when I was in a f2f meeting, as proof that online recovery is real and viable and very enriching!

And then it didn't.  

It started w/ my moving to a town unknown to me because one of my best friends in the whole world was from that group, and all the insanity and heartache that stemmed from that moment.  It took me out of the group, and it affected very deeply other relationships I had with people in that group.  A big part of what happened (and this is relevant to the story, so stick w/ me, please) is that when one of my best friends in the world turned on me, she took advantage of the fact that I wasn't computer-connected and told other people in the group "well Jeannee said this about you" lies that people actually went ahead and believed (most) instead of even bothering to check in with me (almost all) --

It was literally losing my heart and soul again, which somehow seems to be a life theme for me in this new century.

But here's the thing:  no matter what happened to me in that group - no matter how painful it was, and how many tears I shed - I wasn't giving up on online recovery - no way!  I had several core groups that had also been with me pretty much since I logged on, so, I just leaned on them a little bit harder ...

So that was back in 2008 ... now let's fast forward to my move here, at the very tail end of 2011 ... we're talking another big out-of-state move, and so it takes a while to get yourself situated again ... and ... I get back online and one of the top places I can't wait to get to are my online recovery groups again!  Yes!

Imagine my horror when in one of these longtime recovery groups for me, guess who has joined? guess who has become active? guess who shares all the time?

Yeahhh, she knew what this group meant to me and my recovery.

Yeahhh, there are plenty of other recovery groups out there she could have gone instead.

Yeahhh, I've noticed a sudden chilled effect with people in this group I previously considered myself close to.

Yeahhh, I've found myself not sharing because I don't feel like its a safe place to share.

I haven't unsubbed, but I'm going to.  I just kept hoping it would go back to being a good place for my recovery, and it's not going to do that - even if she left tomorrow, the changes in there have happened already.  I don't know why she wants to hurt me and destroy my life, but I'm not going to stand around and try to figure it out while she does so and continues to do so - I'm just going to remove myself from a place of further emotional harm.

It sucks.


1 comment:

  1. That seriously does suck...pray about it especially for healing of your heart and hurts and pray for her as well sounds like she could us some prayers! and i say move on find a new group and make sure she can't find it. It is hard starting over but it sounds like you could use a fresh start with new people who won't have to listen to what this person is saying. ~Heather