Friday, September 30, 2011
In the awakened, walking around, world, today my house sold.
There are alot of raw, unfinished edges here: like where the hell I'm going to go, and how I plan to get a medically fragile doggy there ...some ideas are somewhat coming into shape: good ideas on CoCo and how to get her in and out of the truck (I do have a doggy ramp, but she's afraid of it, honestly, so this would be how to acclimate her to it) ; varying thoughts on where to land from borrowed couches to an empty apartment in a friends building that I could maybe only afford to live in for a year - BUT I would be back home in NJ!!! I just couldn't even begin to unpack and I just couldn't even begin to finally exhale, as far as the housing situation goes....
I got so stressed, so overwhelmed, I had to lay down and do some stress sleep. On a night where its 48 degrees, and where I'm running a space heater in the kitchen, and have the windows mostly shut-up, and am wearing heavy clothes appropriate for this time of year.
As well as appropriate for a house w/o central heating.
It's time to go. It's been time to go!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Boy, this house is a mess, huh! ;-
It's actually reflective of several things: I'm disabled. I can't clean certain things AND I can't afford a housekeeper. I'm a packrat, yes (which is pre-hoarder, I'll have you know! ;) ). I'm a combination of "who the hell comes in here, anyway?!" and "what?! you don't pay my bills! you have no opinion, then!".
I've also given up.
See, I'm a woman with a shit level - it gets beyond that, and I have to clean it up.
Except of course when I've given up.
I'm 48, and I honest to God don't know ...
But here's where it got a bit scary for me : see, I had a friend named Wanda ... who set herself these outrageous! really - you, Wanda?! goals for turning 50: she was going to go blonde and drive a red sports car!!! Well ... between highlights and a trade-in on the vehicle she did have ... - !!! Now, within 6 months, she admitted the car wasn't practical, and she traded it in - but that's not even the point:
The point is that she had goals for 50 and she reached them!!!
I don't have any. And I can't even think where to start.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
I guess we're all getting out ... this is my neighbor across the street .....
Friday, September 23, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I was up in this nifty! blog .... and she had posted pictures of her birthday celebration. With her husband. And not even in their beautiful home ... but ... in a vacay spot that speaks to my heart just hearing the name of it, like whenever I hear the name "Stephanie" & I always, always think of my late mother ....
Even tho it's 86 degrees here today, I'll be seasonal and say this: it frosts my pumpkins.
No, I'm not jealous. REALLY. What I am is - bewildered. Wasn't this supposed to be the life I was going to grow up and have?! Isn't this the nice life my parents tried to prepare me for, tho the world had changed so tremendously and sometimes they relied on things to help them that were as effective as unsharpened pencils on a test with bubbles to color in?!
To put it in a Southern way ... it hurts my heart.
I don't know how this didn't happen to me and - what's even harder than that! - is I don't know how to "fix it", so I get there - AND - I feel like I'm pretty much out of time to do that, anyway - with age, and poverty, and wariness, from being in all the wrong and the bad places, that stick to me now like a red bug in the Spanish moss in Savannah ....
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
I think this is soooo cool! I'm going to answer this myself!
A. AGE: 48
B. BED SIZE: Queen
C. CHORE THAT YOU HATE: Toilets!
E. ESSENTIAL START TO YOUR DAY: Coffee, cigarettes, usually some type of bread product.
F. FAVOURITE COLOUR: PURPLE!!!
G. GOLD OR SILVER: Either.
H. HEIGHT: 5'8 but if I go to the chiropractor I'm 5'9 1/2!
I. INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: Nothing, but I dream .....
J. JOB TITLE: Writer. Blogger.K. KIDS: Yes - and grands!
L. LIVE: In a state of upheaval! Seriously ... a sign is going on my lawn tomorrow. And I have no idea where next.
M. MOTHER’S NAME: Stephanie.
O. OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: Avoided!
P. PET PEEVES: Screaming kids in stores ;-
Q. QUOTE FROM A MOVIE: I have too many favourites to pick just one!
R. RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: I am right handed!
S. SIBLINGS: 0
T. TIME YOU WAKE UP: It really depends on the day.
U. UNDERWEAR: I wear it.
V. VEGETABLE YOU HATE: Broccoli - yep, me and that guy whose birthday I share ...
W. WHAT MAKES YOU RUN LATE: Not wanting to be where I'm going!
X. X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: Probably around 30!
Y. YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: Depends who you ask. I do love my tuna & noodle salad!
The one I did purchase is "Jane Fonda: Private Life of a Public Woman". I am roughly still in her teenage years. Now - I figured I knew the backstory : her mother committed suicide, etc.
I was reading about the marriage of Henry and Frances Fonda and something seemed too much familiar - like seeing someone walk around in a shirt you donated to a thrift store, type of eerie familiar ... it wasn't until one of Frances' doctors was quoted as calling Henry Fonda a narcissist that the lightbulb came on --
My God. I know what this woman lived.
I got out, and, I didn't have children - dogs like children, and that was very dammed hard - but not children.
Reading this has disturbed me. I think of a woman I know, when I lived in Virginia, named Fonda because her mother had loved the whole celluloid Fonda image - she has a sister named Jane! and she almost had a brother named Peter! --
The reality doesn't often meet the creation. Yet another reason why people should be very, VERY! cautious about naming their children after --- !
Excellent book! BUT this startling revelation is going to make me put it down and read something else for now.
Makes me very, very grateful for the things I do have ....
Incredible, incredible story - very faith-inspiring and hopeful! If this little girl and this family can survive all this ...
Saturday, September 17, 2011
I have a dear friend who is a pet sitter ... but ... I don't know if she would consider something like this !
Wow! Much, much impressed, Mr. President!!!
There is no real comfort in my morning - well, there is a space heater, and CoCo, and coffee that's not too stale ... CoCo has developed this thing where she doesn't want to go out in the backyard - so I have to leash her and walk her a little bit out front ... we were out there and this big-bodied, looked like a Boxer maybe mixed with pittie, came tearing over at her - I don't blame the lady - because (a) its not one of her two dogs so she must be dog sitting ? and (b) dogs can just get away from you! - but CoCo got scared and went to lay down, which, with her condition, she fell down, and I think possibly she hurt her back leg - the dog even startled me - it wasn't growling - it just had a menacing look on its face - and then when the lady did come tearing out after it, of course she called its name - which is Buster - which is a name I just didn't need to hear on a morning already so difficult, thank you ;-
Friday, September 16, 2011
There is an incredible story here, about a young man who loved the ocean ... It says in his obit : "Recently, Paul made a major positive change in his life. A message he had hoped to share with his friends and other young people is: If he could turn his life around, they could too. Life is too short. Don"t waste it do something about it get help. The week before his untimely death, Paul said he believed he was put on this earth to do something good. Hopefully, something good will come from this tragic loss." ... In doing a Google search on this man who was born the year I graduated high school, I found several DUI's - so he and I apparently shared a struggle, and, he was making headway.
Rest in peace and YES! indeed, may something good come out of such tragedy!
And this is why I read the obits ...
Thursday, September 15, 2011
This is the part of the movie, about this Staff Sgt. Karnes, that made me bawl the hardest - to where I actually had to pause, get up, do something else, and come back to it ...
See, when 9-11 happened, I was married to a former Marine, also ironically named Dave ... and trust me when I tell you, this idea didn't even remotely occur to him. We went to church services ... and when they called for heavy socks for the workers at the Pentagon (we lived in Virginia) it was me who grabbed the 14 pair of heavy wool socks I had just recently purchased for myself at a yard sale, because my dammed feet are always so cold, and then I think he may have gone through his ...
I guess I shouldn't be surprised - not when I think about that time at Wal-Mart and that desperate prayer I made to God when my life was threatened, and the security guard literally hid behind a podium, and my husband - the man I married - the former Marine - dodged behind the shopping carts. It was literally only God who saved me that day. That's just part of another story ; I'm just interjecting it here to say "why didn't I figure?!"
I almost feel like I should go and apologize to my father, for marrying someone not like Staff Sgt. Karnes.
God Bless you Staff Sgt. Karnes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Well, he reset the ringtone (again) and this time - I had to laugh. I don't laugh much in my life anymore, so I always appreciate one springing out of my landscape! I laughed because it captures volumes about our relationship to each other, to where maybe the words should be framed ... or at least recorded on my blog ;) I can't of course copy the exuberant, thumping beat, but here are the words from the Depeche Mode song:
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who's there
And you're all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I'll make you a believer
Take second best
Put me to the test
Things on your chest
You need to confess
I will deliver
You know I'm a forgiver
Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I can't lift her. She is able to move around, going outside and all of that ... but there's no way I could get her to step up in an SUV! My biggest fear - that she would get deathly ill and I wouldn't have the money to provide care - isn't here, thank you God! but - how to do so? Call the animal clinic I found for Myndie, who came out to do a pickup on that fateful day?
Even tho she's smiling, not in any pain, and drinking water, is that what CoCo's eyes are telling me - that her time is at hand???
I'm not ready! I love her so, so much!!!!!!
Right now, her beautiful eyes are closed, and she's napping ... but I'll surely be watching when she lifts her head and looks around again - does the world look like its in motion, precious CoCo?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I think this young woman is very brave - AND she's very informative! So even tho we don't share any dx's, I am posting this to my blog (a little earlier than midnight - my blog went quite for the Memorial - I just didn't want to lose this!) because it's a good thing!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
The quote that I like best from this, that simply makes me grateful we have the freedom to bear arms, and honestly, considering the downward dog slope of the world today, makes me fervently wish that more places that concealed carry permits allowable: "I filled out all of the paperwork to carry a (concealed) weapon all the time because I really believe in that," Carrick said. "But a bit of finances got in my way before I could go to the sheriff's office to pay for the permit. Otherwise, he (the gunman) would have been dead sooner."
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Oh - the President is speaking. He's at the podium. Sure, okay, let me hear what he has to say ...
Good thing I was already in my development, and there weren't the usual choking of parked cars, either, on the road I was on, when he made his statement about people who can't wait 14 months for the next election to bring about some magic change - they need it NOW.
I took my hands off the wheel, and I applauded.
And I cried.
I can't say I'm a Mr. Obama supporter, necessarily - he's done some things that make me question him being swept into office on emotionalism and symbolism. But every once in a while, he does something that makes me want to stand up and SHOUT!
Well sitting behind the wheel of an SUV, I couldn't exactly do THAT ;) But I could, and I did!, applaud ... and cry.
Because I'm a people who can't wait ... who lives check to check and who feels like she's a losing gambler here.
Well-said, Mr. O! Err ... whose your speechwriter?
It happened as soon as I walked in the house and talked to CoCo.
"CoCo! I got us stuff to make stew - yeah, honey - STEW!"
And - as she wagged and smiled, in happy anticipation of the crockpot smells wafting through the house, with the promise of a delicious dinner - I -- well, I burst into tears.
I'm a little hard-pressed right now to recall when the last time it was that I could afford to make a stew. Sure, ok - we've had a hot! summer, and you don't want stew then! But I surely didn't make it prior to that ... no, not for a long while - possibly as long as a year, maybe better?
Because stew ingredients cost $ I just don't have. With food stamps being $16 a month, I'm lucky I can drive away from the store with coffee and Parmesian cheese!
I started to cry - my tears partially generated by being in such a sorry state, partially generated by that I can afford to make stew again - in gratitude.
A couple was just coming around the block walking a mini Schnauzer, as I hit my kerbside mailbox ... now, I'll be honest: I've never met a Schnauzer that wasn't snappish - and here was my exception! :) The doggy and I had a wonderful! encounter, in which I rubbed him and he sniffed me - in a polite way, and, in no personal parts. And I laughed about it - "yes, I know! I smell like a dog AND I ate something good!"
So you're sitting here looking head-on with a serious expression on your face and saying, "what's so unpleasant about THAT, Jeannee?!"
The woman laughed, this wonderful, feminine, giggly, I love my dog and I love to walk my dog and I love my doggy to encounter other people who love doggys, laugh. The guy went right into surly, issuing commands as if the mini-Schnauzer should be in a boot camp, ferchrissakes, and not do what doggys do, which is --
Wag. Smile. Sniff. Kiss.
Yeah, believe me - give me a few minutes and I could even find the Scripture that talks about how in the last days people will have no natural affection (as well as a whole laundry list of other evils). That's the intellectual///spiritual side of me ...
The emotional side of me wanted to bitchslap him into next week and say, LIGHTEN UP, PAL!!! LET YOUR DOGGY BE A DOGGY AND FOR PITY'S SAKES, BUD, WHERE ELSE IN YOUR LIFE ARE YOU TRYING TO BOOTCAMP INTIMIDATE SOULS INTO BEING NOT LIKE THEMSELVES - OH, SHOULD I ASK THE MRS. ...?!
But then the dream started to change - it became a nightmare. Things changed very quickly and it started to cycle from a nice story, into a nightmare story --
In the dream, I am screaming at myself - OK, I GET THIS, I GET THIS! JUST LIKE KENTUCKY: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NICE, BUT IT TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE! I NEED TO WAKE UP NOW!!!
Didn't happen. Usually when I yell at myself in a dream and "order a mandatory evacuation", it happens: I wake up.
The dream continued where the nightmare part ended BUT THEN I was running around trying to tell people what happened and - no one listened. No one wanted to believe me. AND THEN I WOKE UP.
I had toppled into fibromyalgia rain pain and was one big groggy girl, besides ... the type of morning where I could really use a helping hand to pull me out of bed ... and ... when I do manage to get up, I have to hold on to walls to walk, because of the aftereffects of such overwhelming dreaming ... so I'm sitting at the table, sucking down coffee, going WTF?! was THAT?!
It didn't so much as dawn on me - I should say - it bore down :
Kentucky: Supposed to be a nice neighborhood. Becomes a nightmare! And the part about no one listening to me? Ah - that's from last night! As informative as the three real estate agents were, DID ANYONE HEAR ME SAY THAT I AM A DISABLED WOMAN ON HER OWN HERE?!!! GIVE ME A BREAK - HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO PACK UP A THREE BED HOUSE + GARAGE IN TWO WEEKS?!!!
I wasn't heard.
My dreams take specific requests from my life.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
I was just crying at the part where the little Ellison girl is shocked back to reality - it reminded me of what I used to do as a kid when the movie was on tv: I would run screaming out of my bedroom, "THEM! THEM!" My mother always went pale, but quickly regained herself - "that movie's on AGAIN?!" ;)
Always a hard day for me, with the estrangement from my daughter - its sharp, this day ... and then the things that went on today - well, the evening would have been hard on ANY day, but falling on today - yeesh - maybe I should have r/s!
Its a different class of problems I have today - a different life, too, one I could not have even begun to imagine when I was in that new Mommy honeymoon phase in the hospital room overlooking the vo-tech ...
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A dream cycle, for me, is when I start to experience - just about every single time I fall asleep into a deep enough sleep - an intense dream - slash nightmare. This is how I got into reading and researching on dream analysis in the first place, as a screaming teenager who woke up her family - only to have them find her still sound asleep! -- as someone who got so scared to fall asleep (and this was in the days prior when to someone with vision into this type of world put out the first Freddy Krueger movie, where the girl is afraid to fall asleep - I just didn't have the hidden coffee!) that I would either stay up all night AND/OR go to bed late and have my father promise to wake me up when he left for work at 5.30 a.m. (being how he didn't even work in the same neighborhood, let alone the same county!), because the hour or so I had left, before I needed to get up for school, would usually be ok ...
I've just now awakened from the second intense dream slash nightmare, the second deep sleep I've had, and I'm pretty sure I heard the footsteps of a dream cycle ... The circumstances are all there: I'm extremely stressed and frightened about something in my near immediate future ; I was able to fall into a deep enough sleep where my mind could take all the various images and thoughts and seriously send a message ... and, possibly, something more that I've realized since I've aged, I'm having some distinct pain: we have had a rainy, near fall chilly, Labor Day (rain pain!) WITH weather like this being forecasted for ALL WEEK ;-
I came on to my blog to reduce the force of the dream cycle (and possibly prevent it from continuing to spiral out of control) by writing about it ... and I was also prepared to talk about tonight's "isn't that special?!" ... but you know what??? Nah. I'm just trying to land on the side of the eyes opened.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
I dragged my body - and I do mean dragged - down the opposite end, to Subway - got my usual sandwich and soda, sat down at the first available table that had actually been wiped down, and about halfway through eating I realized what had happened to me: I had hit a perfect storm.
(1) It is 100 degrees, give or take, today. Yeahhh, we have the dog days of August, in September, because maybe the weather didn't change its calenders, either ;) I am so heat-sensitive - let me give you an example: I asked an online friend living in the same weather how she can stand to wear suede booties out, and she said - a/c house - car - store. For ME, if I wore the same shoes, just walking to the vehicle, my feet would literally feel like I was coal-walking ;-
(2) Allergies. The allergies are so severe that I looked up congestive heart failure the other day, cross-checked it, and realized - its allergies. I'm talking glue in the nose. The doctor too talks - she says I should be on allergy meds all year round. Can't afford it, so I do without. Without being able to take good, deep breaths ...
(3) Pre-diabetes. What scares me with this is I don't always get hungry - I just lose energy and/or feel like I can't think straight. If I was hungry, I would say - "Oh, food, me please, now!" - but not feeling hungry, I don't automatically associate it with a blood sugar drop.
(4) Good ol' cfs. Which comes with fibro fog. Which when the blood sugar dips, it sends that straight off the floor.
A perfect storm. After eating I was alert enough to go home, but there was no way I wanted to stop and pump gas! So I pulled in the driveway and my "low fuel" light dinged on. Sorry, GMC Envoy! We'll just have to pray our way to the gas station once I can peek my head out and see if the storm has passed!!!
The photogenic Ms. Mitchell has a superb story, one that I especially need to be reminded of and to hear right now, about everyone that was in a Wendy's restaurant hiding out in a restroom during a tornado that hit Yazoo City in 2010 - how the power of inspired prayer kept everyone in that restroom just fine, the 'lounge' (as my father would say) completely intact, even tho the rest of Wendy's was completely destroyed - there are pictures, and you almost can't even tell it was once a place where people dined! Definitely recommend this video as a GIANT faith and prayer booster!
Now, anyone who has ever eaten at a Waffle or Huddle House knows that the waffles are literally plate-sized - what they would call back East a Belgian Waffle ...
Of all the Houses I've eaten in, all over the South, tonight the waitress asked me a question I've never been asked before - which was -
"Do you want a knife?"
I stared at her. I honest to God couldn't believe this question, and I think the look on my face must have been about the same astonishment as if I had looked up at the video screen and seen wilding teens in the back of the restaurant ;- "Yes," I replied, "yes, please."
Well don't you see what the challenge was??? The forks were washed and through the system already - the knives weren't. Gaad. I actually made her wash a fork! For the life of me!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I didn't understand what his rage and his pain towards the outside world was about, not until my Mom decided to fill me in one day, and I can clearly remember just reeling at the nightmarish experiences he had suffered as a young boy - he and his three brothers - that eventually channeled themselves to his self-destructive ways. I tried to get him to God ... I prayed he would get into recovery ... failing that, I think maybe the best thing I could do, would be to tell his story - but I won't do it here, not in this type of forum. It would have to be written up as a fictional account, because his three brothers, as far as I know, are still around. But it should be told. To honor the friend I had since I was a little girl and to honor the man he might have been, after all ....
When I was pregnant with her, and then after she was born, I swore that I would absolutely do the right thing by her : I would raise her right. The criticism from her father (who was already abusive to me by then) began and the fact that we lived with his family, didn't help matters ... when the split came and I went back to my parents house, I was unfortunately in a position where my parents were as overwhelmed by the whole early marriage and why the divorce happened, situation, that they couldn't be too much support beyond roof over my head and boxes of diapers - altho Dad really tried, walking the floors with her when she was teething, handing me a five or a ten with his free hand as he did so, telling me, "Here! Go to the diner! You can't handle this !"
I swore that I would raise her the right way, but I was just so lost myself, and I couldn't see the forest for the trees - I couldn't see what was right in front of me ... looking back, do I think I should have had an abortion? NO. I think to be very gut-right honest I should have adopted her to a family who could do more than swear - who actually had two parents (and not one abusing and doing everything wrong to the other he possibly could dream of) that could provide this for her. Then maybe she would have had a real chance ... ok, I understand genetics, and I get it that she'd still be bipolar from her father - but maybe just maybe if she had more of the way that I know a child should be brought up - maybe it wouldn't have hit her so hard and maybe, even more than that -- maybe she would have taken care of it, been around supportive people, not people who would give her a thousand and one ways to live out her illness.
Maybe what I swore, would have been more like a prayer, and come true.
Actually I want to talk about this picture ... My parents wouldn't have known this particular phrase, but in today's parlance, they were giving me a low-tech way to see history, to see what I was learning about in school: packing the car up and we would drive there on vacation. When I see how many parents today use electronic things like Wii to connect with their children - well to be honest - it turns my stomach. I'm NOT talking about a parent who is disabled - I'm talking about an able-bodied parent who can figure out a map (they're online now, you know!), has a vehicle, and can see on the school calender when the kiddies are free - ahead of time, so you can arrange with your boss to have the time free. Trust me! It'll make the BEST memories!!!
The other two pictures on this page, interestingly enough, because I wasn't thinking of this when I put them in there!, fall into that low-tech category: there is me sitting outside reading a book ; and then there is a Halloween parade picture - I was a gypsy that year, and - my mother made my costume. She sewed it, then, she put her makeup on me and her jewelry (loved that part, especially!). I distinctly remember having alot of flack from the other kids about it, and I think even then I recognized what it was: jealousy.
I wish I still had that costume!!!