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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Mom and Dad picture

Ah!  They are all dressed up and going out somewhere:  Mom is looking 70s fashionable in a maxi dress with a solid white top and black patterned skirt, and Dad has on a suit jacket and a tie.

You know ... when Mom went out with Dad, she could pretty much count on the fact that he wasn't going to drink so much he would throw up, act immature, or do anything illegal.  That he would be the charming guy everyone wanted to invite to their parties.  That he could talk to anyone about anything (and boy oh boy do I have a story about that, lol, from a 90s wedding Dad and I attended together!) and so he never was someone you would bring to a party and have to babysit, is what I'm saying.

Really, they should clone him for today!

A day when you're feeling like - well - white trash ....

Sigh. 

Not one of my better days:  its the end of the month, and I'm counting down the days, as well as the change!, until check day.  I just feel like - well - white trash - standing in front of the dog food aisle in the supermarket and realizing they no longer have the big cans 4 for $3, so that means I have to buy a case at nearly ten bucks, ergo - what am I going to go without?  gas?  milk (okay -non-dairy creamer, to be real) and coffee that's not stale? smoke less cigarettes, despite all the stress I'm under - maybe I should start biting my nails again, as that relieves stress too but hey that's free!?  not buy any extra food even if I wanted to, like the 99 cent purple package of two burritos which I shouldn't be eating anyway thank you ?!  and let's not even talk about the bills I can't pay that are banging at my door - I'm just talking about the bare eking it out stuff until check day.  Hell's bells, Martha, I already have the 88 cent value brand toilet paper (see previous post) so I'm okay THERE! 

Sigh.

Pictures continued///emotional

On the bottom of this particular photographic page are some very out of focus pictures taken down the shore ... in at least one, I'm sitting in a chair and I'm hugging Buffy, the doggy we had then, and that does my heart good to see such a shot! ...

Maybe it was because of the pictures, but I was thinking last night, which was Saturday night, back to Saturday night in Manasquan when I was a kid:  we walked over to St. Denis for Mass ... then, I would walk home a different way, stopping at the corner store - the one that had a soda fountain - it was on the corner by the Coast Guard building -  and usually I would have a chocolate malted, paying with the limited change in my pocket I was given for such a Saturday night treat - before going the block back to the house .. and I was thinking of this last night because there are no weekly treats in my life anymore:  in fact, life is dammed hard, getting dammed harder, and I'm getting really tired of just slogging through, trying to find a straw strand of happiness to grasp on to, to make the days a little bit more palatable to take! ...

Tough times, part 2

And when I was talking to Kevin yesterday, he specifically asked what I was going to do for September 6th. 

I was taken aback:  my daughter's birthday is the 7th, and Kevin is a savant with anything having to do with numbers, and so he would never, EVER forget a birthday, and I said this, and he repeated what he said about September 6th.

I figured I was either dealing with a diabetic glitch OR he was sending me something in the mail that he figured would arrive on the Tuesday that is September 6th ....

In today's mail I received a notice that I have to go to have my need for food stamps reviewed - this big, official document.  $16 a month ain't much, but with the price of coffee and parmesian cheese, I'll take it!  The date of my review?  The date that they scheduled me for, that I didn't know about until today?

SEPTEMBER 6TH

Is that Twilight Zone music I hear coming out of my calender for that date?!

88 cent toilet paper & tough times

I was talking to Kevin yesterday and we were talking about prices ; he specifically mentioned the prices of the supplies for taking care of the diabetic wound on his leg.  My contribution was this:  that below Kroger's store brand, is Value Brand - which I have come to realize isn't often so much of a value! - i.e. their pasta is so starchy, its pretty much not fit for consumption ;-  However, its the end of the month, I was out of toilet paper, the Value Brand was only 88 cents for four rolls, I sighed and grabbed it ... and have actually been impressed! - even tho it ain't so soft, it doesn't shred and leave toilet paper balls everywhere! (TMI - sorry, lol!).

Then Kevin said, "You're using Value Brand toilet paper?!! " in a tone as incredulous as if I said I was going to ride on a roller coaster.  "Jean ... I can't imagine you using Value Brand!!!"

I smiled and sighed.

For most of my life, I've managed to keep my feet firmly placed in the middle-class lifestyle that I was raised in.  And people in that place, don't put Value Brand toilet paper in there bathrooms - they go for a name brand that has a coupon, instead!  

However ... times have changed, times have changed indeed! and I'm in a place I never saw myself being in, when I was middle-aged :  poor, struggling, stuck, without a family to help me out - meaning an adult child (I have one, she's going to be 29, but help?!), a husband or partner (meaning one who lives with me AND contributes to the household income AND is part of), like so - yes, I'll even put my parents in there, altho I certainly realized that having older parents meant I wouldn't get to hold on to them on this mortal coil as long as some other people!

So here I am:  the lady with the Value Brand t.p. sitting in her toilet.  Care to have a seat ;)

Friday, August 26, 2011

The one that took me by surprise ...

So I came across a card that Dad have given me in 2005 ... it was a religious card, a Mother's Day Novena of Masses, to be exact ...What made me cry was what he wrote inside:

Happy Easter
Happy Mothers Day
Happy Just Knowing Me
Be Happy to Know I Love

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Husband and Wife Save Thousands of Greyhounds

Husband and Wife Save Thousands of Greyhounds

I've known a few rescued Greys : they are incredibly gentle, they hug by leaning into and onto you, and they are such loves!

Silky pajamas!

The next photo is of me standing happily in front of an Easter basket.  Ah!  I am wearing my most favorite, silky pajamas!!!  :)

I loved them because of the texture, and the shine, and they felt very adult, too, in the sense of what an adult would wear as a ball gown (because back then, so young, I thought that my adult life would involve ball gowns - ha, ha!  was I ever sadly mistaken!).  AND - the part my father hated about them, the poor guy! - when we would wrestle, I would slink out of my clothes and run away ;)  "Jean, change your pajamas, and THEN I'll wrestle with you on the floor!"  Dr James Dobson of Focus on the Family is the one specific child psychologist I can remember who has specifically talked about the wonder of getting on the floor with your kids and wrestling with them <3

Happy Birthday!

Ah!  A birthday party picture!  :> 

The way it was done then was, your mother baked a cake, got some games, and told the other mothers in the neighborhood day, date, and time, and it was in your own home. 

Very basic - no need to rent a hall or a restaurant, like today!

Girl in picture: birthday party

It was at one of my birthday parties, and I either snapped the picture or asked my mother to - I'm pretty sure it was the latter, because I remember my mother being surprised: this was in the day and age when you invited all the neighborhood kids in, and this particular girl wasn't one of my close, close friends ...

I was trying to speak about something I didn't have the vocabulary for, I realize now ...

This girl was my age (which looks to be about four or five) with a brother who was a great deal older - like high school age older.  And whenever she would bring her little friends around her house to play, he would hang around and make rude comments and just - stare.  A guy in high school is doing this to little girls who are four and five years old.  Today that would set off all types of alarm bells, but we are talking the late 60s, very early 70s.  He pretty much ignored his sister - fixated on her friends.  I don't know if he did this to all her friends, or to be honest even to her, but he did molest me.  I was a vulnerable, wounded child, just bounding out of that experience in nursery school, so for all intents and purposes I had this 'recent victim' look on my face as he started his schtick about his shorts and his fancy-schmancy bicycle - and maybe he saw my face and decided to go further, or maybe he just did so with everyone - that I don't know.  It surely would be interesting to re-connect with little girls in that neighborhood from that time period and ask ...

Girl Scout Camp

Gaaad, I hated this day camp.  H A T E D.  In the picture I am turning around from a picnic table and I look annoyed at the photographer (no doubt my mother!) but in reality it was a pleading, get me the hell outta here!, look!!!

Why do I say that about the camp???  Let me count the ways .... It was hot, there were bugs, and the ground was dirt!  Sand on the beach was one thing - I loved that! - but dirt?!  There were things that I was asked to do that weren't in the realm of where I could do well - this wasn't about reading, about books, but about things like team spirit and crafts that I just couldn't get the hang of (remind me to share the story of how I made a craft octopus...).  There were other kids, and I almost always had a problem with that type of situation, because I was 'born adult', I had 'a Russian soul'. I thought the soap in the pantyhose in the outdoor handwashing station was just beyond gross.  Dry ice scared the bejesus out of me because I was afraid I would get burned by it, like we had been warned.  And I was always scared inside that when the bus brought me back, my mother would have run away and wouldn't be there - she wasn't that type of woman, she never suggested it, she never did that!, but that was my fear:  that my mother would run away and I would be stuck at this dammed camp to live in!!! 

Front of the house: major snowfall!

Such snowfall that was!  It completely covered the front steps, swallowing up all three of them, and then putting a top on that, too!  At that point in my life, I had only lived in NJ, and that was extremely unusual, and it was called a blizzard, I believe, and so we got out through the carport and took a picture.

In a novel it would be called foreshadowing ...

In my adult life I lived in Bangor, Maine.  There I saw some type of snow fall out of the sky every single day from late October until around March (not kidding) and very, very often I sat at my kitchen table, looking out the window, and watched my neighbor's front steps be swallowed up by snow, with a top on them, if the maint. guy didn't by to clean it out by then!  It was no longer magical, and, it was no longer even usually considered a blizzard, but 'ordinary life' ;-  I think I preferred snow when it was the big exception when you couldn't open the front door and the bushes had hats!

Dad & Brianne, 1st Christmas

There is so much in the way my father is holding my daughter, and the way his head is tilted towards her, the way he is looking at her, that evokes pictures of me as an infant, with my Dad.  He is very comfortable with holding a baby! using a hand underneath the body, and one towards the legs.  The fact that it is Christmas in this photo, just reminds one that Arthur Waseck - whether he was holding Brianne Lee or Jean Lee - was doing a very holy thing there + 

Daughter in high chair!

I think the very best thing I can say about this picture of Brianne is what I wrote in the previous post.

All I needed was at that table

The next set of pictures in my album was taken at the table at my first wedding, at the reception.  This is a rare and treasured photo of my Aunt Bobbi (mom's sister), Cousin Carole (Aunt Bobbi's only child, a daughter, just like Mom), my godparents (Aunt Mary & Uncle Dick), my mom, & Mr & Mrs. Steinbach.  The only person missing is my Dad, obviously and apparently because he was the picture-taker ;)

I think of where I was at emotionally at that point in my life:  rushing heedlessly and head-on into finding and creating my own family, rejecting out of hand the one I had been born into, by adoption and geography.  Sitting here now at age 48, there is nothing I would like more than to have all their collective wisdoms back in my life!!!  
I had everything I needed for a successful life right there, but I was too blind to really see what was right in front of me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dad and Eddie Jennings

The first picture in the photo album is of my Dad with his arm around Eddie Jennings; the second is of Dad and Eddie on the job, with Eddie kidding around for the camera, the two of them smiles on their faces, showing the rapport between them ...

Dad worked at the same company, Blickman Equipment, for 32 years "longtime, doll" as Dad would say ... and Eddie Jennings was his best friend on the job.  I see this photo and I am reminded of all the stories at the dinner table about what was going on there today at the plant.  I heard stories about apprentice boys and outside sheet metal workers and the doll in the office and the bosses and how he made the coffee urns that the McDonalds corporation used in all their restaurants back then.    Dad was a metal polisher and he was also the shop steward, because it was union - Dad was a street-smart guy who could and did comprehend what it took in the world, so he was an excellent union guy!  Dad brought me home the Daily News from work, which is how I grew up on Jimmy Breslin :)  Once a year there was a Christmas party - nice place, bring the family, big catered dinner - and Dad played Santa and distributed the gifts to the kids, and this gay guy who worked with them, the guy that no one wanted to accept - Dad turned around and said, 'hey, pal - you got maybe green pantyhose?' - and he had that guy be his elf, see, and then everyone liked the guy and thought he was a good guy :)  And maybe someday I'll share the story of the apprentice who got arrested - falsely it all turned out to be - on his lunch hour and how Dad went to bat for him, and the apprentice he carpooled with whose car I vandalized as some strange teenager wrapped up in her own issues and how my Dad reacted to that ... but for right now, that's enough ; I've already got tears in my eyes like I was peeling onions, ferchrissakes, remembering the last times I spoke to Eddie, when he called to ask why Dad hadn't sent his usual Christmas card, and I had to fill him in ....

Pictures

So today a 2d box arrived from my past ... and I know, I know :  when I came across a photo album of treasured pictures from my childhood, I should have jumped up in the air, with my feet off the ground and one directly behind my bottom, my arms tossed back in a gleeful moment of celebration!!!

Except there are some darker emotions pulling at me:  anger that I didn't already have this in my possession ; anger and resentment that I never felt enough at home here to fully unpack every single dammed box, at which time OF COURSE! I would have realized - "hey! now where the HELL is my " ---

Ok.  So here's what I'm thinking:  I don't own a photo scanner - actually I could own one, if I had a thin dime for every single time I had to say that to someone!  But I do have a blog!!!  So I'm going to go through the pictures, and describe them in words, and tell y'all why each one is a real piece of me, as much as my hair and - yes, as much as my words.

Picture writing posts to follow.

Her Downward Dog

"The face of a stranger on a train - the one you tell all your troubles to."  Someone told me that when I was young, and I had to laugh and smile and acknowledge its true!  I make friends whereever I go; people tell me their stories ...(do they realize I'm a writer?!).  And then, I moved to Kentucky, and such conversations are few and far between, and so when they do happen - I feel blessed and honored and restored to being "me" -- even when they vastly upset me, like what happened this morning in Kroger's ...

I would say the lady I bunked into - a complete stranger - was maybe in her late 50s?  We started talking about dogs, our dogs.  She lived with her Mama, and her other blood relatives in this world (using her own expression that came right out of her mouth) is a cousin here, a son out West married with three kids - not one of these other relatives sounded like anyone she was really bonded with.  That was okay!  She had Mama!

Then Mama died.

Her doctor, she explained in a confidential tone, was worried about her.  He was glad she was working at an answer the phone position in an office, but he was concerned about her going back to an empty house - so he suggested she adopt a dog.  Love that doctor!!!  She did so, and its been the best thing ever!!!  She walks now all the time ; she meets her neighbors and gets to know them close enough to where she feels free to give them nicknames; she goes to the park - all these wonderful, loving, and yes filling of time ways that only a beloved dog (or cat or even bird) can fill <3

And then the conversation turned.  It turned in my stomach, in my spirit.  I didn't know what to say to the woman.  Honest to God, all I could think about was coming home to blog about it - as a form of prayer - as a form of asking others to pray for her --

Well don't you know! that since Mama died not only has she adopted a dog -- her boss has become very -- concerned and attentive to her, also :  visiting her when she was in the hospital, taking care of that dog, and here's where it clicked together for me - "oh don't you worry none," her boss told her, "if anything happens to you, don't inconvenience your family with your home and your dog - just will it all to me and I'll take care of everything!"

Yeah, I bet she will.

The lady was so innocent, as I once was, that she thinks her boss is the best friend in the world a lonely woman can have, after a dog ... I stood there and I just didn't know how to begin to tell her, that even if its just a few dollars, even if its a fixer upper special house (which it didn't sound like it) -- its a dollar more than the person befriending you suddenly, has.  And the world is in the mouth of the evil one - Bible says so.  I've had more than my fill of people who act like your best friend in the world - just so they can steal the gold outta your teeth.

Oh sure - there are good people out there not like that!  I know that!  But there are more the other kind ... and your boss, suddenly getting very friendly and saying what's been said ... yeah.  She's not invisible to me, but she sure can't be seen for her crookedness by this sweet lady with grey hair and size 4 shoes shopping in Kroger's this morning.

Let's, as they say, name and claim, that Scripture, for her :  the one about being as innocent as doves and wise as serpents.

Because we are SURELY more surrounded by the latter, than the former!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hate this.

I've had some pretty high pains from fibro today -- and I need to get to the store!  I don't need a Superman.  I need an every man - a faithful person with enough intelligence and good sense, enough lived-out sense of a good solid faith practice, that when they saw me in the lack of range of motion I'm having today, when they would see me sitting with my head in my hands, and moaning as I'm trying to walk through the house -- they would offer:  offer a massage; offer to feed the dog; but most of all, most importantly, offer to take care of the dynamics of money management and food shopping and all of that, so I wouldn't have to try to pray and push my way through a showdown with pain and disability, by myself.

And once again I say - this wasn't my pick; my life wasn't supposed to be like this.  I never, ever thought I would grow up to be very much alone.


My first hurricane

I don't actually remember this story :  my mother always said I was 3 when this happened, which would make that 1966.  I just checked the 1966 hurricanes and I'm not sure ? if there was a hurricane that would warrant this story, happening in the Jersey Shore area ... so maybe I was 2?  I don't know, and my mother has gone to a better world, one where there is no more remembered trauma or even toilets ... all I can do is repeat the story as I've been told :

My parents had already purchased the house on First Ave along w/ the Cuddy's ... and there was this "evacuate! evacuate!" order, along with the rumor, "the bay is going to come up and the ocean is going to come down and they're going to meet in the middle and drown anyone in the way!!!!!!!!".  My father and my Uncle George were leaving!  My father was stunned when my mother decided she was staying AND - she was staying with "the baby" (which would be me).  Now, at this time, Uncle George and Aunt Edna had kids, and since I'm the only one in the this story, I'm assuming they left with Uncle George.  When my mother adamantly refused to leave - "I'm not leaving MY house!" - AND she adamantly refused to let go of me - "you're not taking MY child!" - my Aunt Edna felt she shouldn't be alone, so she stayed ... and my father waited and waited but unable to convince her, he evacuated ...

According to this story, it rained hard ... and it got very windy - oh the wind!  It got so windy that the house - built a few feet off the ground on wooden stilts - swayed side to side like a hammock between two trees, and my mother said I was so afraid of it that I slept that night on her chest, clinging to her!  That's always considered the "main point of it all" of telling this story, you see ...

The ocean didn't come rumbling down the ramp, and the bay didn't come up several blocks, either - in fact, that became a scare rumor that immediately went around, we were to learn, any time there was a hurricane.  My father never evacuated again.  Together, we always enjoyed the driving rain and lashing winds and that's where my love of staying in the edge of, or in Cat 1 maybe a 2, hurricanes, comes from!  No, I'm not an idiot who would stay put with a Katrina being predicted, thank you! 

Oh yeah, about that swaying house ... Dad went under the house and built concrete pillars, and so the rocking motion never happened again!

Hurricane Irene dips temporarily to Cat 1 but expected to re-intensify - Hurricanes - MiamiHerald.com

Hurricane Irene dips temporarily to Cat 1 but expected to re-intensify - Hurricanes - MiamiHerald.com

The onset of adverse weather will hit the Carolinas by Saturday, with treacherous surf conditions starting on Friday. It is projected to move into the mid-Atlantic states by Sunday and then into the Northeast by Monday

Read more: http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/08/23/2371014/hurricane-irene-tuesday-5pm.html#ixzz1VtdW3fBP

A hurricane coming to the Jersey shore & I'm going to miss it!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Just like I would for my Dad

During the years my Dad was so sick - especially when he was in the hospital various times - I made absolutely sure, without a doubt, that no medical personnel would ever think Arthur Waseck had an unavailable family: even if he had only one child.  They had my home and my cell numbers.  They had the number of a very close friend (at that time) with the proviso that she could make the same monumental decisions in case of emergency and I couldn't be reached.  They even had the number of a neighbor, and possibly my email.

So the day I went up and he was in restraints, I raised holy hell!  It literally turned out to be what I expected:  he sundowned, with the Alzheimer's, and there was a lazy nurse who couldn't be bothered to look in his chart and contact the family, to see that it stated that if Mr. Waseck were ever to be in that position - and between his illness and being in a strange place, it was bound to happen - that NO restraints were to be used - his family was to be contacted and someone would be in very, very quickly!

What brings this to my mind is that I was looking at a newspaper and there were dogs for adoption - NOT looking to adopt! just looking!  There was a soulful-eyed beagle who found herself in the "we're looking for good homes" advertisement because her beloved owner had been deployed.

I looked at that ad, and I thought to myself, "Just like with Dad."  I would want the soldier to have any and all means necessary to contact me, so that, when his service to his country was completed, he could love his doggy again ...

Just like with Dad : lots of ways to contact the next of.

Love & CoCo, in more ways than one ...

Some more intense dreaming - the symbols, I was pretty well sure even before my feet hit the floor, were all abut love ... but I looked them up anyway to confirm myself (in more than one place, and that was how I learned how some websites are simply derivitive).

What woke me up was that I was FREEZING.  Had gone to bed w/ the a/c on and when I woke up - well, its now 65 outside!  Of course the one thing that made me NOT shut it off was seeing my dear, sweet CoCo asleep in front of it <3

Ah ... the love of CoCo ... the love of Chocolate ... how easily the seen life, ties in with the dreaming life!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Dream August 21st

I get the symbolism in this dream: what makes me pause, however, is my mother being in the dream - my mother has been gone since 1995, our relationship was pretty fractured until around the last year of her life, the older I get the more I realize that some of it should have never happened from my part, AND my mother makes such an infrequent appearance in my dreams, it gives me pause --

I'm watching ice skaters, who are all dressed up in costumes, having a dress rehearsal ... and as the dancing goes on, I become aware that I'm watching them from a chair that is on the ice.  My mother is sitting off to one side and she says, "Jeannee, you're going to crash through the ice - you should get off that chair!"  I kind of brush her off - yeah, yeah, yeah.  So she repeats this - at least twice and possibly more like three or four times.  FINALLY I sigh, get up, give her the dagger eye stare, and walk off the ice.  And, as I turn back around, I realize - the chair was slowly sinking into the pond ;-  In other words, I should have listened to my mother as soon as she said anything.

I get the whole symbolism of crashing through the ice - financially, in alot of ways, that's my life right now, and where CoCo and I are living, etc.  Is my mother being present there a further warning - along the lines of how God gets louder and LOUDER AND LOUDER!!! until we finally hear ?!!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Extreme heat of summer challenges area churches | NewsOK.com

Extreme heat of summer challenges area churches | NewsOK.com

I was married August 5, 1995, in a church that neither had windows or a/c - it was about 105 in there that day ... so I can certainly empathize with these poor souls!!!

The Lord is near to broken hearts.

Psalm 34

The Lord confronts the evildoers,
to destroy remembrance of them from the earth.
When the just cry out, the Lord hears them,
and from all their distress he rescues them.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.
Many are the troubles of the just man,
but out of them all the Lord delivers him.

He watches over all his bones;
not one of them shall be broken.
The Lord redeems the lives of his servants;
no one incurs guilt who takes refuge in him.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Upset now ...

As I said to someone recently, my blog is a "mixed bag" - because, quite honestly, I'm a mixed bag ;)  I have different interests, different things going on in my life, different things that make me, me ... so here is another piece of me ...

I arrived here Catholic.  Had various and sundry problems within the Church here and started to feel like I was holding on to the mast of a sinking ship that had torn rigging!  So, when the opportunity presented itself, I resumed studies with the Jehovah's Witnesses - something I had done earlier in my life.  I looked at it this way:  this is a faith practice that actually practices their faith and acts like Christians! plus, I love studying!  Being in a place where I was already finding it difficult to make friends, this would work!

And, it did ... for a while.  What happened is, I was felled by a really bad depression, and then, as I started to pull myself out of it, the Sunday meeting time changed to an earlier hour - 9.30 am - that was just not going to work with my physical disabilities.  I tried, I was still battling depression, but I stopped going there, too ...

My study sister brought my magazines regularly, and we would talk then; occasionally by email.  When I realized I was through all the Sunday Study articles, and I emailed her about it, she very nicely told me that if I wasn't active in the congregation - just on the magazine list - I couldn't have such magazines.  And that kind of finished me there.  I felt like there were now two denominations here in an unfriendly and odd place, that essentially had placed me outside their doors ...

Just now, someone else that I know from the congregation, stopped by to drop my magazines off.  I was upset to hear that my study sister has had a stroke - even more upset to hear that it happened almost a month ago now.  I was never emailed, never had anyone come to my door to tell me.  Sure, why would they go out of there way for someone who isn't active in the congregation?!

I didn't say this to the woman who dropped by - she's a decent, sweet, kind soul (as is my study sister) and I didn't want to embroil her in my stuff - I made conversation about illnesses and kept it to that level...

But, I'm upset.  I just feel so - unwanted - here.  Its a feeling that has been with me since the day after I arrived, three years and three months ago, and has spread, like an oily stain, covering not just one area, but more than one - several areas - until it blocks out the Sonlight.

Penni told me that she's having trouble leaving comments, and I'm sorry for that!  But, just in case you can do so now, I will delete anything that's condemning me for being me, all of me.  And that's not just for this post.

Mrs. Steinbach

There are many stories I can share, too, about my best friend growing up Cathy's mother, but this one especially came to mind, triggered by something I just read in an email ....

Back in the 70s and 80s, the elementary school I attended (public) instituted something called "lunch aides":  women who came in during the lunch hour and sat in the classrooms while the kids ate, and then, supervised them on the playgrounds.  My mother was one.  And so was Mrs. Steinbach ...

Now, Mrs. Steinbach was very Catholic.  She wouldn't hesitate to say her Rosary while the kids were eating, teach them prayers, etc.  My mother especially tried to get her to stop - "Jean, you'll get fired!" (Mrs. Steinbach's first names were Regina Mary.)

Mrs. Steinbach would simply smile.

Every once in a while, you know, it would happen:  a parent would say something.  Mrs. Steinbach was called to the Principal.  She would simply smile and say, "So you want to fire me for praying?  Go right ahead!"

"You Christian types would love that!  Get back to work!"


Poor thing actually had to quit her job when she wanted to leave ;)

For as close as Mrs. Steinbach and I were, there was a whole side of her life I wasn't even aware of, until years later:  you see, when I left the Catholic church when I was 20, Dad sighed and mentioned it to her.  Oh sure my mother was Catholic, and my mother certainly knew this too! - after all, I lived at home! - but Mrs. Steinbach was, as my father would express it, one of the pillars that held the Church up.  

When Dad mentioned that to Mrs. Steinbach, she, in essence, became his spiritual advisor and prayer partner in the fight to get me back to the Church.  I had no idea this was going on.  It was completely routine for my parents to be friends with the neighbors, including the Steinbachs, so it wasn't like I noticed anything "weird"...

Now, when I went to get married the second time, I was 32.  And, as I later learned Dad said to Mrs. Steinbach, "Well, Jean .. we've given it the good fight for 12 years - time to pack it in - not only is she getting married Methodist - he's going to become a Protestant minister!"

Mrs. Steinbach's response?  "We need to pray even harder!!!"

When I started to feel called back to the Catholic church, about a year later, I couldn't tell you who was more surprised :  myself ; my anti-Catholic new husband - I could make you a list!

But there were two people who weren't too surprised - fruits of their prayers and all that ....

The topless story of how my parents met ....

Easy, folks - we are talking the 1940s ....

Dad worked at that time at a paint factory.  He worked with a woman named Sara who brought in pictures from a party, and that was when my Dad first set eyes on my Mom.  He definitely wanted to get to know her better!  He was a friendly guy, charming, witty, so it was no strain to get himself invited to a party where she was going to be at ...

Er, one problem:  Mom was absolutely beautiful and had many, many dates.  In fact, sometimes when she went out - like, say, to the beach - she would go in a crowd, because she had so many men who wanted to go out with her!

Dad realized he needed to distinguish himself from the pack.  But ... how???

One day, he was at the beach with Mom and all her friends there ... Mom was wearing a two-piece bathing suit.  As she was coming out of the water, or trying to, a rogue wave not only knocked her over - it knocked her senseless.  She stood up, half out of her mind there, not realizing she was topless!

Immediately all the guys started whistling, catcalling, pointing - you know the drill.  Here's my opportunity! thought Dad - he grabbed a towel, rushed into the water, wrapped her up, and helped her on the beach ... once he got her in a chair, he dashed back into the ocean, diving again and again, until he retrieved her top!

They were an exclusive couple, from that moment, until literally death parted them <3

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

As they say: "amazed, intrigued, baffled" ....

Two things bring me to this place today ...

One is that I was looking at the whole sad tragedy of Celina Cass, and I have a bunch of questions:  what's the mother like?  why didn't she get her poor daughter braces?  did she know what that man was like before she brought him into a house with two young girls?  bless her heart - was Celina on the computer that night, saw what a sleaze her stepfather was on his facebook page, confronted him, and --?!

Two is that a second box showed-up from my past ... why this woman that I once shared a residence with, decided not to return my stuff until six years after we shared a residence, also is something that "amazes, intrigues, baffles"!  Does this mean that other stuff, like that living room set I loved, she hated, she took, is also coming back to me?!  ... there are things in the box that I thought I had and was surprised I didn't and am happy to have back again:  a professional studio portrait of me and my parents taken in a soft glow, in the 70s; books and items along that line ... but did you crackle when you packed the things that you figured would hurt me, like papers for the house and papers for the van?!! 

Gad, the longer I live, the far less I understand people.

This chickadee is sick ...

Yesterday the cojoined Siamese twins that haven't been separated by Surgery like on "Chicago Hope", showed up:  fatigue and body pain.  I attributed them to consuming too much MSG because I was going with what was in the house and not wanting to open my already slim wallet, for other food ...

Then today I woke up with the "a bomb went off in my sinuses" allergies ... which has spread to another "bomb went off" in my GI area ... I'll be delicate and will spare you details ;-  The top of my head is so sore from fibro right now that not even a hummingbird could land on it, without having me scream in pain ... 

Another 'treat' is extremely dry skin, the type I usually only see in winter w/ indoor heating ...

Bleech.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Gay exhibit installed at Dallas Holocaust Museum

Gay exhibit installed at Dallas Holocaust Museum

If you think "oh - midcentury, last century, is so ancient history" - remember this, too: Paragraph 175 wasn’t rescinded until 1994 and those who served sentences under the law were not pardoned until 2002.

Hi Penny!

You are my first follower - and a fellow Jersey Girl at that!  And I've read your blog before too and I think its grand!!!

I'm thanking you in such a public fashion for two reasons:  Because you are the FIRST! and thus deserve recognition!  Because when I tried to send you a message, I got all this huh? computer stuff about following myself and authenticating myself before I could do so, which, honestly, lost me.  So I went THIS route :)


Me & Dreams

It was only over maybe the last 10, 15 years that I even heard of a Christian doing dream interpretation ... how I got started with it was this way:  as a teen I would have these nightmare cycles so severe (a) I would wake up the house screaming in my sleep and YES that is possible and unfortunately I've done so as an adult ;- and (b) I would go through these cycles where I felt like that girl in the first Nightmare on Elm Street, where she didn't want to fall asleep - except I had no coffee pot under the bed! ..

By reading dream books and figuring out what the "monsters" meant...

Here's what I can tell you about dreams, what I've figured out all these years:  That they speak in symbols - sometimes weird upside down backwards of awake reality - but symbols nevertheless.  That if I have to look something up and it doesn't make sense, I need to look at another writer AND/OR start writing it down - sometimes, just in seeing it long form, I start to go "oh yeahhh..."  I can do the best dream interpretation for myself and for people I know, because honestly I have to know you, or something about you, or have you answer my questions, to figure out what it means.  Even dreams can have several interpretations, at times, and the way you figure out "so what the heck does that mean?!" is to know the background of the person ...

Alot of times now I have dreams I don't need an interpretation dictionary for - ah, like the one I just woke up from.  Very clear symbol language in this one!  I walked out of the bedroom I was sleeping in, into another room, and - the ceiling collapsed - because of snow on the roof - putting everything I had stuffed up in the attic, along with the building materials!, all over the bed and the room - and if I'd been in there ;-

This one is easy for me.  In my day to day life I'm in an "imminent danger" type of situation in several areas, including where I live - not physically, but in my dream life it comes out as physical because yeahhh its starting to affect my physically.  My dream is telling me I'll get out just in the nick of time!  Its also telling me either alot of stuff is going to have to be gone through - could be just a dream symbol of the moving I know I'm going to have to do! - and/or its all going to come crashing down BUT, to quote Gloria Gaynor, "I Will Survive!"

Message of February 25, 2005

"Dear children! Today I call you to be my extended hands in this world that puts God in the last place. You, little children, put God in the first place in your life. God will bless you and give you strength to bear witness to Him, the God of love and peace. I am with you and intercede for all of you. Little children, do not forget that I love you with a tender love. Thank you for having responded to my call."

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes - review | Film

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes - review | Film

Sometimes, trailers work for me; sometimes, they don't - they leave me confused and now not even wanting to read anything more about the movie! With this particular movie, I was naturally intrigued, being of an age where I clearly remember the original Planets. I didn't see a trailer. When I came across this full review, I read it and said - "Wow! Now that I would actually go see!". I will say what gives this extra kudos is that there is an Alzheimer's story line and I generally avoid those like I do high fructose corn syrup; ergo, if I still want to go see this, then it reads as really good!

Dad

You know, I'm having the type of day where - sometimes - I would go on my Twitter account and type in "I miss my Dad" ...

I miss his humor, his blue eyes, his love for me, his ability to hear anything and to fix just about anything - both literally and as a metaphor.  As I sit here and have just eaten crackers with butter, I miss how much he liked going out to dinner, too!

I miss you Dad.  Mom too, and Myndie, and so many people!  In one sense it gives me a mind's eye picture to see Dad and Myndie running around again ... and in another sense,

I miss my Dad!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Why I’m proud to be a Jehovah’s Witness’ - Local News - Bucks Herald

‘Why I’m proud to be a Jehovah’s Witness’ - Local News - Bucks Herald

I like this article : it presents the story of a young woman, one that many opening this newspaper could identify with - her age; her modern style of dressing - if not actually knowing her through their day to day lives -- without maligning the serious dedication she's making. Life being what it will be, that is done in the comments section ;-

Friday, August 12, 2011

March 25, 1995

Our Lady Past Message for Saturday August 13

March 25, 1995 "Dear Children! Today I invite you to live the peace in your hearts and families. There is no peace, little children, where there is no prayer and there is no love, where there is no faith. Therefore, little children, I invite you all, to decide again today for conversion. I am close to you and I invite you all, little children, into my embrace to help you, but you do not want and in this way, Satan is tempting you, and in the smallest thing, your faith disappears. This is why little children, pray and through prayer, you will have blessing and peace. Thank you for having responded to my call."

Eco-dads?!

I was reading in "Natural Awakenings" about a new thing called "Eco-Dads" - to quote the article:

"For an eco-aware dad, this is all very integrated and very personal to his role as a father, explains Lisa Harrison, the research leader for EcoFocus Worldwide, which has published a consumer trend report called Make Way for EcoDads.  For example, while he may have insulated his family's home for economic reasons first, the secondary benefit is quality of life, because the home becomes a quieter and more comfortable living space."

My God - my father was a trendsetter!!!

When I was growing up, in the 60s and 70s, there was no recycling - not like there is today.  My Dad got this idea :  why don't we collect and recycle newspapers - which went down to the paper recycling plant on Meadow Road in Edison, on the way to the city dump - as a way to give Jeannee an allowance???  He put 2 by 4s in the carport, and we stacked newspapers, held down with rocks.  They came from places as diverse as our own home (Dad brought home the NY Daily News every night - I literally grew-up on Jimmy Breslin!) as well as raiding our neighbor's garbage cans on trash days (which is how I learned what is today called dumpster-diving - such treasures we found!).  Neighbors of course started to notice and put them aside for us.  If there was a special coupon - like when the lady up the street decided she wanted to finally take GED classes and there was a Mandy's coupon for jeans - we very graciously went through and clipped them ALL for her.  When the stacks were high enough, Dad and I would load the car on a Saturday morning.  The way it worked was like this:  you pulled on to the weight scale before and after unloading, and the difference between was how you earned your money.  Absolutely nothing shiny, no "books" (magazines) were allowed, so they got to know which cars to watch for and "help" unload, and we were very diligent about our work, so we were never "helped".  The only way we helped ourselves a little bit was when we pulled in, Dad and I got out of the car ... after we unloaded, I sat back in the car, to give it a little bit extra ;)  

At that time, I simply looked upon it as income and as fun, too, because I always have loved the newspaper - still do!  

Now I realize ... I had an Eco-Dad!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

40 Days for Life announces largest international pro-life campaign ‘in history’ | LifeSiteNews.com

40 Days for Life announces largest international pro-life campaign ‘in history’ | LifeSiteNews.com
291 locations, a record-breaking number that may still increase in upcoming weeks; 48 US states plus Washington, DC and Puerto Rico; seven Canadian provinces; countries including Australia, England, Spain and, for the first time, Germany and Argentina.

WOW! Praise God, Praise God, that the prayerful and peaceful campaign to protect both unborn babies and women's bodies and spirits, is going to so many places this fall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So often in the secular media we are presented as "raving lunatics" - yet here, at 291 locations, that same media has the opportunity to present us as we really are: a solid force of prayer that doesn't skim over what's going inside said locations by using words such as "a clump of cells" for a living, heartbeating, can feel pain, human being. May God wash each and every one of these spots with His Spirit +

Friday: St Jane Frances de Chantal

Saint Jane, you forgave the man who killed your husband. Help me learn to forgive a particular person in my life who has caused me harm. You know how difficult it is to forgive. Help me to take the steps you took to welcome this person back into my life. Amen
Prayer to Saint Jane Frances de Chantal
----------------------------------------------
In reading her story, I don't know what was harder to forgive:  the accidental hunting death of her husband, OR later having to live with a father-in-law who reads like someone skidding into dementia, someone who was definitely abusive.  

I do know that her faith brought her comfort.  +
I like this saint, I especially like this prayer!!!!  For there is a whole laundry list of people that have whipped me emotionally, spiritually, financially, even a few physically, that I need to forgive them.  By this point in time I know that it is a journey, this process of forgiveness, at least it is for me, and so I'm especially interested in this prayer as an extra way of working towards forgiveness, from one of the traditions of the Catholic church.

Thanks to the Church in Maryland, I believe it is, named for this saint, who has a web presence complete with biography, prayers, even a portrait of this soul.

Its cool overnight ...

For the first time since my friend & part-time neighbor Chris installed my loaner a/c in the window (such a beauty!) I've actually dialed it down from 12 or whatever "max" temp I've had it on, shut it off, and opened the window!!!!!!

 I certainly welcome the cooler weather :) altho I'm almost positive the hot, muggy & buggy, will pop back up tomorrow and I'll be dialing the a/c back to high ;-

Here's where it concerns me:  if it's getting cooler in the middle of the night, then this specifically tells me that fall is on the way - even more than looking at the calender does - and that concerns me.  Because I don't have a working furnace - so if I don't have a/c, I also don't have any heat.

And I don't have any money to get it repaired, any more than I did when it stopped producing anything but problems, back in May (because of a $ grabbing move by a previous contractor, but that's a whole other story) ...

Which means, yeahhh, I need to get out of this physical place, this property, before it gets bitter cold - before the gardens in this neighborhood go fallow...

C'mon, God, don't fail me now!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

My dad's "other children" ;)

Because my Dad had plenty of room in his heart, whenever he would hear from me that a friend of mine was estranged from their family, he would basically 'adopt' them and consider them his children, too <3  You had to see the nurses when - one of the times he was in the hospital - all of us, different races, within approx. the same age bracket, showed up and said we were the daughters of Arthur Waseck ;)~~~  "He must have been plenty busy!" one nurse said to another ;)~~

Dad also adopted and considered his own anyone who was a good friend of mine, which leads me to repeat this funny story:

I had a friend named Doug.  Doug was black.  And Doug started a job in the training area of a computer store.

One day, a few of his coworkers came back into his room, and they were all giving him a funny look - maybe the look you give a fellow employee that you've just found out is the lottery winner ;) - and finally they said, "We didn't know you were partially white!"

Doug was actually caught completely off-guard - finally he said, "I'm not!  My father's from Richmond, Va, my mother's from Jamaica -- no, guys, really! - oh wait a minute --"

My father, the little white-haired Polish man, had walked into the store and asked if he could please see his son .... ;)

That was my Dad!!!!  Here's the thing:  it wasn't just a label - it was an identification he took to heart.

The motel story

I was just writing one of my fiction stories in my notebook, and what came to my mind was a story of what happened in a motel once when I was traveling, so I decided to share it here ...

See, when I travel, I like the old-style motels where you park right outside the door: then you don't have to go down all these long hallways AND all your stuff is right outside your front door!  That's for me!  A bonus of traveling with dogs is that these are the types of motels most available to you - I've found out that dogs don't really care for elevators ("the floor is moving?!") ....

I think this was just me and CoCo, so this was probably about two years ago? - or maybe I did have Myndie, and that would put it about three years ago?  Anyway... it was a standard motel, altho this one was two stories and I did request and get the first floor...you have a door, and you have one big window - which always reminds me of the window of the house I had in Harrisonburg, which was 96 inches long and very hard to find curtains for! - and yes that's relevant to the story...

Now, I'm not one to complain in a motel.  I've covered alot of ground over the years and seen and overheard plenty of different stuff, but this - argh!  There was a drunken party going on upstairs and these guys were REALLY LOUD, to where the canine population of my room and other rooms were barking ... so, I called the front desk.  "Yeah," the weary clerk signed, "we've had quite a few calls actually - but I'm here by myself, so we're waiting on the cops"....

Before the cops could roll out, I heard the most tremendous crash - it literally shook the building, and that's saying something!!!  Pretty soon, here come the sirens ... okay, I figured, cops are here now - its safe - I'll just go walk my dog (s) ;)  ...

I found myself in a small crowd of staring people from the parking lot - that party-hearty room:  they had thrown one of their buddies through the plate glass window ;-  The guy apparently "only" hit the balcony and didn't go over it - but - my God!  If I was that guy, I would change friends AND find sobriety, fast!!!!!  (I wonder if they greased his sides before...)

Angels, she said ...... +

Recently in an online group I was sharing how I was unable to complete a fast.  Because of my prediabetic issues, I couldn't fast on food, so I decided to fast on tv - which spins and spins me through its drama and its stories and takes my focus off the things in the world that are weighing me down.

I wasn't able to complete the fast.  I tried, but I just couldn't carry it out.

So I shared this in the group, too, how I tried but....

Of all the replies I received, the most recent one really opened my heart :  a woman who knows me enough, who has read my shares, who knows that I live alone except for CoCo and that the only way I hear other people's voices on alot of days is to watch tv, said that God knows all of that, Jean... so for you to even try to sacrifice tv... God must have surrounded, flushed, filled, your home with angels!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a blessed thought - one that turns me degrees towards wanting to make another fast +

Why I LOVE this man!

In yesterday's mail, I got another letter from Kevin back home ... yeah, you know - that guy that everyone told me was bad news to continue to hang around with -- that guy that has continued to be involved in my life, even to writing me letters during the year plus I didn't have a phone -- when all those naysayers left -- uh-huh, THAT guy ... guess what he sent me?!!

If he had sent me a phone card to put 200 minutes on my Trac Phone, I would love him even more!  But that's not all he sent me!  He KNOWS me.  He KNOWS that I have never read a manual or a set of complicated instructions - one of his pet peeves about me, lol, as he LOVES these things like Marines love hand-to-hand combat ;)  So he took a piece of paper, a pen, and in bullet form fashion, step by step, he wrote out very basic instructions on how to add these 200 minutes to my phone!!!!!!!!

LOVE this, LOVE him!!!!!!!!!  I told him, technical writer is a skill and a job and he should definitely look into that - because if the instructions were so easy that even I could follow them...

So, yeahhh - my phone is up-to-the-minute... because there is someone who took what little money he has in his pocket (and believe me, its even less than I have in my pocket, which is saying something!) and because he took the time to look at it and write it out for me...

God bless that Kevin!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The praying at the shrub story

Directly behind the house I grew up in was a set of what was then garden apts.  We were only separated by a chain link fence that wasn't even hip-height to an adult.  So my mother had this great idea:  she and my father would buy a bunch of shrubs that were guaranteed to grow and spread out wide :)

Unfortunately, these shrubs never lived up to their promise, never gained any extra weight nor did they spread.

Anyway ... it was fall... and my father was working outside on a Saturday : he was clearing the dead, dry leaves out of the wells in front of the basement windows.  I was inside (most likely reading a book AND watching tv) and so was my mother... he had work gloves on, sturdy, heavy-duty jobs... anyway, he reached into the well and - uh oh - something stiff --

Yeah.  Sigh.  It was the stray neighborhood cat I had taken a liking to, started to call Tiger, that one day just seemed to up and left me, breaking my heart.

"You bastard, you came home to die," my father sighed. 

He was at first perplexed at what to do ... he knew if he told me, there would be hysterics...but he couldn't just put it in the bag with the leaves, c'mon!...

My mother was in the kitchen when my dad popped back in the house and said, "Gotta run to Channel for something - be right back!" - Channel being the home store then - and he took off fast, so I couldn't get up, get dressed, and go with him - in fact, I can recall my mother shrugging, saying, "I don't know - he'll be back..."....

A short while later, my mother happens to look out the kitchen window - "what the hell?!" - my father is on his knees with his hands folded in prayer in front of the shrubs?!!  "He's lost it!" she figures ... so she goes outside - "Artie!  What the hell?!"

He waves her over (I was still inside) and he quietly tells her about Tiger...you see, he ran to Channel to get another shrub, because he was going to bury Tiger under the shrub... but being a good man of prayer, bless his heart, he couldn't bury someone without prayer!!!!!!!!!

It wasn't until I was in my late 20s, at least, that my father even told me this story... for whatever reason, Tiger came up in conversation..."Ah, Jean, dear...about Tiger..."...

My father had a heart not of silver but of gold, let me tell you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Pro-Life T-shirts bar Crossroads walkers from Montreal basilica | LifeSiteNews.com

Pro-Life T-shirts bar Crossroads walkers from Montreal basilica | LifeSiteNews.com

One of the last times I walked into a "standard" Catholic church here (NOT the Latin Catholic mass, in which people actually think of an appropriate dress code) I was upset to see a greeter in a mini skirt that just about covered her thighs ... inappropriate dress certainly does happen! On the other hand, there is appropriate dress ... and wearing a pro-life t shirt (or a Catholic t shirt, as I did to go into Mass there, not tight, not stretched out scandelously) falls into that category! What in the WORLD was this Bishop thinking?! He should have been proud and asked them if they had an extra, put that piece of material over his clericals, and joined them in prayer!!!!!!!!!!!! Instead, he acted like a bananahead.

The ice cream story .....

I've found out, in being a Kroger's customer, that - when you use your Price Plus card - they then send you in the mail personalized coupons, based on what you regularly purchase :)  Recently I got another packet in the mail...and, knowing a dear friend is having a rough time of it, I decided to send her almost all of them - well, I pulled out the ones like for dog bones (she has a CAT!) and ice cream (she's diabetic!) - and put them with the rest of my coupons....

So when I was in the store last week, the store just down the road from me, I walked into the aisle with the boxes of pasta and there was a woman who was holding a tall plastic cup with alot of loose change in it - the only place I've ever seen that is in a casino! but here she was, in a supermarket in central Kentucky, and - as she reached for what she wanted from the shelf, the change spilled.  "OH! This is just not my day!" she said right out loud.  I'm not even sure if she realized I was there ... anyway, since my back was doing good and I could bend, I immediately got down on the floor and helped her...and she started telling me why she was having such a clearly rough time of it:  there refrigerator went out, and the landlord said he didn't even think he could come round until tomorrow and that was a maybe!...I listened sympathetically and, at that time, I thought, that was that ... she walked away, continued shopping, and so did I...and then, I looked down for my next coupon...

Oh!  This was the coupon for free ice cream!

Well I soon found out this lady could move FAST, lol!  It took me a little bit to find her.  "Hi!" I smiled.  "I helped you out, now maybe you can help me out?"

She smiled, but her eyes were wary - understandably so! I'm sure what was running through her mind were things like there is so no such thing as a free lunch, etc, etc....

I showed her this coupon, and then, I pointed to myself.  "Do I look like I need this?!" I exclaimed.  "Can you help me out and take this coupon?!"

Well, she started cracking up laughing, and she said, "You know, we're such big ice cream people, it never lasts, so we never have to refrigerate it, but I just didn't have the money..."

So there you go:  I made less of a contribution to my padding, and I made a family who was being tossed around by circumstances and adversity, a little happier ... for free!

The 'limbo' state ...

In one of my online groups, there is conversation from people who have gone on a spiritual pilgrimage - how, upon their return, they are depressed, even .. and why is that?!  

The consensus seems to be that once you've gotten THAT close to Heaven on earth, 'the eyes of your eyes are opened' and it is very difficult for you to retain comfort in being back on the ground AND you really start to take things out and see them for what they are ...

Altho I haven't made this journey, not in a physical sense of packing and all that it entails, I certainly understand what they're talking about!!!!!!  When I'm close to God - when I'm praying, when I'm safely inside a God-conscious 'sock' - its hard to relax with the world being in the state of the wicked one, as the Scriptures say ... it bruises my soul to hear the news stories and to watch things like Jersey Shore, and instead I'm more emotionally comfortable with Lassie <3

So why don't I stay in such a place - I think for me that is the bigger question ...

Its because with my heart super soft, I see far, far more evil and wickedness and destruction in the world.  In other words - I'm awake.  And I can't prop myself up with cliches or excuses - I KNOW.  I am sensitive, and, sensitized.  

I am the way God created me to be, but sometimes I just want to hide out and pretend otherwise.  Sometimes I want to 'relax' and say sure its okay to get up on your feet and pretend there is nothing better in this world than going to the gym, tanning, looking fresh, and having meaningless sexual encounters that prematurely age your sexual organs and leave you open to a whole bunch of things you'd have to go to the doctor about, and make you seriously consider an abortion of a beating heart so you can go on with your vapid life ...

God, please help me to live as you would have me ; please keep me swollen with Love and with sensitivity.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Lassie!

If either of my parents were alive to tell the tale, they would certainly say the greatest tv show that I watched as a kid growing up was Lassie!!!!!!!!  

I would literally cry & go into a funk when the show was over.  I loved every single minute of it!  Now, thanks to hulu.com, I can again watch Lassie episodes ... which btw I was just doing.  It was a show about Mr. Bascom, and why was he so mean, and Timmy's mother pointed out that sometimes when people live alone, there world shrinks more and more, until life starts to pinch them, just like a pair of tight shoes... something I can much more identify with, more than I care to admit, as a grown woman...

Now, all I wanted was my own Lassie!  I had a stuffed Lassie dog that at one time was super soft, but I literally loved her until she was matted flat.  Unfortunately, unlike the Velveteen Rabbit, she didn't become real, even as much as she was loved ... I said then that when I grew up, when I had my own adult life to walk around in, by God, I would have my very own Lassie!!!!!!!!!

Now, in 1995, I adopted Myndie ... she was a Lab mix - mixed with Cocker Spaniel, you could see that in her ears, especially ... and... Border Collie!  Yes, Border Collie!  So you see, I did get my Lassie, and she was even more than I had ever prayed for and wished for!!!!!  <3

Jersey Shore?! Really, Jeannee?!!

I was in the following frame of mind:  I missed my home, specifically, hearing people who sounded like me, and, I missed the ocean ... so where could I get plenty of both???

I decided to go where I had never dared to go before:  Jersey Shore! ;-

There are a host of problems with this show - lack of modesty in dress, for one, sexuality for another, how much they're comped drinks, plastic surgery at 26 years old - to be real, I can go on and ON with other items AND a detailed talking about each one I've already listed and my reasons behind them!  And I'll more than likely talk about them in this space in the future ... but here's the thing:

Even tho in my worst drinking days I wasn't like the denizens of this show - truth be known, they would have had plenty of room to refer to me as a grenade! - I can certainly understand what they're about and where there (mental as well as actual physical) location, is at!  And yes I like seeing the Jersey Shore, and hearing people who talk like me!  Altho I wouldn't want any of these 8 to be my offspring, to be honest with you, they have been my friends, they have been people with whom I've shared rooms, both in Alcoholics Anonymous and 'out there rolling in the world'.  

And so ... I'm watching this show.  Its a corner of my current world that intersects with my previous one.  I'll keep you updated.........

Today's Gospel Reading

Gospel
Mt 14:22-33
   
After he had fed the people, Jesus made  the disciples get into a boat
    and precede him to the other side,
    while he dismissed the crowds.
    After doing so, he went up on the  mountain by himself to pray.
    When it was evening he was there alone.
    Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles  offshore,
    was being tossed about by the waves, for  the wind was against it.
    During the fourth watch of the night,
    he came toward them walking on the sea.
    When the disciples saw him walking on  the sea they were terrified.
“It is a ghost,” they said, and they  cried out in fear.
    At once Jesus spoke to them, “Take  courage, it is I; do not be afraid.”
Peter said to him in reply,
“Lord, if it is you, command me to come  to you on the water.”
He said, “Come.”
Peter got out of the boat and began to  walk on the water toward Jesus.
    But when he saw how strong the wind was  he became frightened;
    and, beginning to sink, he cried out,  “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand  and caught Peter,
    and said to him, “O you of little faith,  why did you doubt?”
After they got into the boat, the wind  died down.
    Those who were in the boat did him  homage, saying,
“Truly, you are the Son of God.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was going through my beloved Dad's things, one of the (many!) things I came across was a little gray triangle - something that had once been an extra piece on a box,probably a tissue box, that he had cut out neatly and then used it to jot down a note (and ya wonder where I get that from ;) !).  And what he had written on there was this:  BE NOT AFRAID  I go before you always  Come follow me

As soon as I saw it, of course, I recognized it:  the words to a very popular hymn often played in Catholic churches.  I knew my Dad just well enough to figure out what had happened:  it was time for Mass; when he went, this particular song stuck with him; ergo, he came home and jotted it down.

I have it with me now :  in fact, its in the "Dad memorial area" of where I'm living at currently.

I'm about as afraid as often as I wear purple, to be honest ... in the past, I would go to my Daddy, and he would help me, figure it out, fix it so it lay right ... I don't have that now.  And my Dad was often bewildered by the change in the times ; he had raised me with a firm belief that - someday - he would meet the guy to turn his daughter over to, the guy who would cover her with love and help and be right next to her as she walked through things.  Except that never happened - false alarms - but the world and the people in it had changed so dammed much ...

What I have today are Dad's writing on a triangular piece of cardboard.  Jeannee, don't be afraid ... remember the words of this song that you love, too ... and remember that - even tho your beloved Dad isn't here physically anymore - God always is !  

If you're reading this, know that I don't have an "exclusive" on God being with me - that you, too, have that +

"Happy, Merry"

You'll find I post dreams alot in here, and what they mean ...

This morning I had a dream that I was in this little store in an otherwise dingy flea market, and the store was called "Happy Merry" because it was this cool place that had paper, cards, and especially rubber stamps, for happy & merry occasions :)  I was enjoying myself, but then, I had to go ...

So I was somewhere else, and everyone was getting ready to leave, and I knew that I wanted to go back to "Happy Merry" - but I knew that if I went out there, there was someone to hurt me ... and so I just wanted someone to walk with me there, so I wouldn't get hurt.  Which you would think would be easy enough, except I was having a really hard time getting anyone to care enough to walk me out!  "But I've got to get back to Happy Merry!" ...

Boy oh boy!  This is one of those dreams where the volume is turned really high - in other words its meaning screams out!  In my actual day to day life, I want to get back to "Happy Merry" - oh sure I know exactly where it is, thank you!  I've been there plenty of times before!  Its just fraught with dangers to get there but I CAN'T SEEM TO GET ANYONE TO AGREE WITH ME THAT IT IS AND I'M VERY SCARED OF BODILY HARM IF I TRY TO GET BACK TO "HAPPY MERRY"!!

In my dream there was some type of serial killer that was only targeting me.  While I don't think that there is such a style of individual preventing me from getting back to where I belong, I do, indeed!, feel like I'm brushing up against begging now, trying to get someone to help me get back to a "happy, merry" place in my life by helping me to leave where I am NOW.

The kitchen is starting to look naked ....

I've started to take down the things I have in the kitchen.  You see, I hate naked and colorless walls and yes even cabinet doors, so I've put all sorts of special articles and cards from friends, et al, all over ...

When I had the house in Harrisonburg (yes, the one I should have been resistant to giving up - that one) I had an interior hallway that had five louver doors in it (two closets, a half closet, and then two doors for the washer-dryer).  Even when I hung stuff on the walls, those plain white doors - I couldn't get used to that!  So I had David take every one of them down and he spray painted them - each one a different color!  It was like a tropical Florida hallway!   I absolutely loved it!!!!!!!!!  Any and every time I walked down that hallway in my home, it was mine, it was vivid, and I just loved it!  I was recently describing this to someone and they looked at me kind of like I was that woman in "The Mitford Files", Rose ;-  Sorry, I'm not a traditional type!  

And so taking down my kitchen - sigh.  Its growing more and more naked, more and more plain, and I don't like that - I almost have to steel myself to go in there now - but it also means I'm getting myself readier to go ... 

Saturday, August 6, 2011

I've been here before .....

I was writing earlier today of when I lived @ 1336 - it was part of a longer letter in which I was recalling back to the Hurricane Katrina time ; that was where I was living at that moment, you see ... Now, 1336 was a wicked place for me to have lived - oh, not the neighborhood (decent middle-class) ; certainly not the beloved furry people! ; what was wrong was moving so far from my beloved Dad when the Alzheimer's was flowering (he had gotten - shall we say - aggressive YES I needed to move NO I shouldn't have gone that far away!) and what was definitely, definitely wicked was the person I was living with and the situation that I found myself in - indeed! in a whole lifetime of having people hurt and abuse me in so many blooming ways, this was a new one on me! ....

Now, here's the thing:  I most definitely need to get out of 1336 and back home to NJ! - but - how in the world was I going to do that?!  I had no vehicle in my name (because I had been swindled out of what I had - another story, that one)  and overall you can say I was basically flat broke - and here I was all the way in tropical land of Georgia!  

In my history, if I looked back, I could have seen other places that God had brought me out of - some of them geographical, some of that relational, some of them psychological /// spiritual wastelands, the type of places where nothing could be found to be living ... I don't specifically recall if I did look back - I must have! I did alot of praying, alot of crying and crying, oh so much water out of my eyes!, and alot of talking to God and talking to persons, too...

Through a way that I couldn't have foreseen happening, I did get out.  In a vehicle.  I can't sit here and boast that I was able to take everything that belonged to me, no, but I was able to obtain a vehicle & travel cash and stashing stuff in every little nook and cranny, while trying to leave room for two big dogs and one big woman! myself! ... yes! Praise God, Praise God, He is so good - and the Devil is a dammed liar!  We all got out safely and back home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to remember that time @ 1336 now, in a time of ever-increasing financial difficulties ... in a time when I have been looking for a little over two years on a way to get myself out of an impossible to afford, it wasn't supposed to hang like THIS!, situation ... that the God of my understanding can and will! do for me, what I cannot do for myself!  Amen.  

I'm waitin' on you, God ... I know YES I KNOW!!!!!!!! you are going to do for me and CoCo what you did for me, Myndie, and CoCo, to get out of the "where am I going and why am in this basket?!" situation @ 1336!!!!!!!!!!!!

My first ever post!

WOW!  I'm really here, and I'm really, really doing this :)  I've been blogging on my Facebook channel for quite some time now (I'm listed there by my full name, Jeannee Waseck, in the event that you want to read any of my fascinating pieces of writing, which are located under "Notes") and it has been suggested to me that I actually start a blog, as a site to have all of my writing, by more than one place.  I've been online since "ancient times" (ha, ha - 1996) and while I'm admittedly very good at finding information and emailing and things like that, blogging is completely new to me!  The content here will vary ... I'll have my writings ; now that I actually have a blog, I will be able to post things from other places around the web, like news stories and such, that at this time are displayed on my Facebook page - which I use as a type of bulletin board - that may just be partly what this blog becomes ... we shall see "more will be revealed" :)