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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Official God's Not Dead (Like A Lion) Lyric Video

2012 year-end post

In an online group to which I belong, we were asked to share 2012's greatest gift ... writing it out helped clarify some things for me; I consider it a beautiful piece of my writing, to be honest! & so I wished to also have it in my blog ...:
I recently read the phrase "semiworthless person", and I'll have y'all know that I'm already feeling that way, thank you, for being estranged from family members (for various & sundry reasons, including addictions on their parts), as well as twice-divorced and uncoupled .... then, this past week, something happened where - while I did stay sober - I basically became unglued --

-- essentially, someone that lives in the same apartment building that I do, that I thought was a friend, turned on me like Willard's rat - and not only did he hurt me emotionally, not only did he bring up every other act of betrayal by so-called friends -- he made sure to triangulate at least one other person into it and damage my relationship with that person (if not more than that) ...

It brought up so many emotional issues of feeling unsafe & exposed for me that rather than go to the laundromat and hang around the downtown for several hours - a place where I have previously felt very comfortable, mind you - I furtively dashed into my corner Dollar Store for a change of clothes!!!

BUT HERE'S THE THING -- he almost made me forget what one of the greatest gifts of 2012 was, which centers exactly on this place - let me explain:

When I relocated back here, there were things specific to being back in this Valley, and then there were things that were specific to my apartment that I just loved: that I can park right outside my front door; that there are no stairs to contend with for me OR for a 16 year old doggy w/ weak back legs; the huge kitchen counter; the fact that I can sit outside most days because I'm covered by the boardwalk for the 2d floor so I don't have to worry about sun or even rain; the fact that the rear street light shines right in my bedroom - which annoys everyone EXCEPT ME! because I can use it as a nightlight ;) 

The only thing that bothered me was that I didn't think financially I would be able to stick around for more than a year ... that I would have to go into public housing - which is actually very decent EXCEPT that it being a federal building with their smoking prohibitions I would always be running in and out - yet another reason to love my little apartment here!  I can sit in here and have my cigarettes and coffee to my heart's content!

The greatest gift of 2012, for a doggy feeling her age & that I try to remember to tell every single morning I'm so grateful we get to spend another day together, and myself, is that we have been able to stick around for another year at this apartment complex, where - for under $500 a month - I open my front door & I face my beloved mountains, directly across the street - in fact, they are so beautiful, so awe-inspiring, that I excuse the fact they interfere with my Internet at times ;)

Saturday, December 29, 2012

A Shepherd's Post: From Grace to Glory: The Death of a Friend

A Shepherd's Post: From Grace to Glory: The Death of a Friend: When I was a boy, my grand aunt lived in the apartment downstairs from my family and we would spend a lot of time in her home.  In her par...

Friday, December 28, 2012

Poetry and a Cup of Tea (about 2012, & 2013)..

Poetry and a Cup of Tea :
Most years I look back with a small measure of re...
: Most years I look back with a small measure of regret at the year that has passed by so quickly, but this year I am happy to say goodbye...

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

What is WRONG with Food Lion?!

One of the big advantages to moving back here, that I couldn't wait to experience again, was in having more than one brand of supermarket! 

And then, I got here ...

My local Food Lion is infamous (even after there much-touted renovation) for not having big selections and usual name brands on products - but hey they're 24 hours and if you don't want to drive the 32 mile round trip into Harrisonburg at dark o'clock --- but that's not even where I'm most mad at this store --

It started with the teeth I fractured over the summer on there so-called fresh produce, which is really hothouse-grown, so it was about as hard as my kitchen counter -- in a rural area with so many farms, THIS is what you sell?!

So I avoid the produce aisle ...

And now, I find someplace else to avoid ...

Today is Christmas.  Its foggy, and cold ... I'm having some physical symptoms here, so getting washed, dressed, AND driving into Harrisonburg, just doesn't ring my Christmas chimes, sorry - but hey that's ok!  Because I went shopping at Food Lion, and I can make meatloaf!

The meat has gone bad.

So essentially I've learned that if its any FRESH product - nothing from the frozen or canned aisle (unless of course it's one of the name brands they don't have) - I really should just go into Harrisonburg, anyway ...

I just wish I hadn't learned this on Christmas -- nowhere near like the Christmas I had a life-altering car accident, but a teeth-grinder, nevertheless ...

Sunday, December 23, 2012

beachcomber: the shell seeker

beachcomber: the shell seeker: Hi.. i know i said i wouldn't be back 'til after Christmas but here's one last quick post.  I had to share this beachcombing Santa I found...

The "When You See It, Reblog It" Tag

When you see it, REBLOG IT.
Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743
Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000 800-843-5678
 National Center for Missing and Exploited Children  800-843-5678  to  report sightings of missing kids
  800-DONT-CUT///800-366-8288    SAFE (Self-Abuse Finally Ends)
866-331-9474 English and Spanish  National Domestic Violence Hotline
Crisis Pregnancy:  1-800-550-4900     1-800-848-LOVE   1-800-662-2678

Europe's Best Recycling and Prevention Program

Europe's Best Recycling and Prevention Program

WAS $69.00 NOW $49.99 (New Balance sadness)

YES, I was the one who highly touted and promoted New Balance sneakers, as a way to support an American-made product in an economically-depressed area ...

Well ...

Folks, I go out around grass and macadam, mostly ... and I'm not standing long-term in a gas station for a living (which I do know - whatever brand you have - it eats shoes!) ... and I don't wear them all day long - just when I know I have to leave the house --

-- already, the soles are shredding and separating.  It's not quite at the point where it's going to flap loose and I'm going to trip, and I'm not taking on water yet ... but ... yeahhh, these shoes are trashed ;(

Do I want to support Americans?


Do I want to spend just under a hundred dollars again for a product that isn't going to last?

Absolutely NOT!

I looked around online and found an Easy Spirit (which I know is a good brand name) sneaker that ZIPPERS - this is part of the brave new world for me, folks!  And the bonus was that they were ON SALE! (see my headline)  -- therefore --

I'll let you know how THEY work out ....

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Trace Adkins - Christmas In Rockefeller Center 2012

That *Lancaster* feeling

When I was a kid, my parents and myself took a vacation to the Pennsylvania Dutch country - Lancaster, PA...

Looking back at pictures from that time & place brings back so many memories (just ask me what happened at the wax museum for First Ladies!) - but there is this one particular photo that I'm thinking of right now:

We were staying at a motel with a pool.  It was right around sunset.  My mother had  the camera, while my dad and I decided to go swimming --

Mom captured this brilliant! photo of me airborne, jumping into the pool, with the setting sun illuminating the air behind me .... and my father looking up at me, his arms upstretched to catch me.

Very evocative of our entire relationship, me and Dad <3

Now I'm sure if I was as good of a 'minister' (non-ordained) as I am a writer, I could craft a volume on how our good God is like my earthly father was that day --

-- but -- since I'm not --

I'll say this, instead:  that all my life I've looked and searched - in many places, amongst many situations - for someone in my life that I can trust myself to be airborne around, because I knew without a doubt, that they would catch me

And so far, that's only been my Daddy

and I buried him in 2007

Some girls seek Prince Charming ... or the Fresh Prince ...

I seek someone to catch me airborne.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Use Me

Agape Love Designs & Photography: Use Me: Cardy : Ross, Sequin Tank : Old Navy, Skinnies : Walmart, Shoes : Payless Purse c/o : Beka's Bags , Earrings c/o : Permanent Bagg...

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

And none of it is

This morning - a combination of the 'hell group' I knew I was supposed to show up and report for, and the rapidly-approaching Christmasness, which I'm trying very valiantly to stave off the holiday-sky-blue's about - I just didn't want to go ... didn't want to go to group; didn't want to drive there; hit the "f" it bucket

So I stayed the hell home and went back to bed ... and had a table-turn-over, stomach-wrenching, nightmare like I have not had in a helluva long time!  (yeahhh, I got it - I didn't even have to go into the dream dictionary about it)

So I get up and I'm groggy and the sun is out and its warm and I take my doggy out and

a cop car pulls in here

Thank God almighty it was a welfare check and he was at the wrong building!  I was beginning to get the paranoids, that everything  today was going to be bad news ;-

And then I come back in to make a second cuppa coffee and my phone is ringing and it IS bad news, MORE bad news, from my home state, about people I care about and ... yeahhh - cause for prayer!  If you read this and if you pray, remember Earlene, and her daughter Jenn, and the grandbaby - God knows the whole story ...

Meanwhile while I'm outside drinking this coffee I see the two women who live at the end - who are good people, decent people, dog people, who have an astonishing amount of seasonal decorations for every single holiday under the sun because they've created a country cottage out of a three room + bath with patio slab under the stairs apartment -- well, they're moving out an incredible amount of stuff, even more stuff than you could think they could fit around and about one of these places!  They loaded up a pickup truck so much, they had to use a bungee cord to seal it in!  And I'm watching it and I'm thinking - are they moving?!  And then my next thought is even more of a stopper:  are they breaking up?! my God, do you realize that - in 16 apartments here - THEY ARE THE ONLY COUPLE?!  Every one else of us is a widow, or divorced, or single and in varying amounts of recovering from our hearts being ripped out of our chests (and a few, not at all - just morose and needing medication and therapy)  - CAN WE LOSE THE ONLY COUPLE THAT LIVES HERE?!! 

On a day like today, when everything is going on like this, 'I think not' ...

So after the second cuppa coffee I decide its time to put my hand on some fresh hot tasty food, and I clean up a little bit and head down to my local pizza parlor ... and the day manager - her son Ryan was rushed in an ambulance from school today:  he blacked out (because of the flu?!!!) and got a concussion - so if y'all could pray for him, too (and his poor mom!) ...

And none of this angst today is anywhere close to what those poor parents and grandparents and titi's and uncle's in the part of the world that is Ct, or Israel, or take your pick from the newspaper, are feeling about the loss of a precious child that had the hope of a future to us world-weary souls - I know that

And I also know the pain of the broken and sad world I feel is enough, and I just want to disconnect from it for a while, if I can

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Me, Myself, & I

This came into my email from the "Yellow Umbrella" blog ...

(1) What was your favorite gift given to you as a child?
(2) Christmas is almost here, what is that one Christmas song you could listen to on repeat?  This year, it sure seems to be 'O Come, O Come, Emmanuel'
(3) What are a few of the items on your Christmas list this year?  See my previous blog posts on this ...

(4) Do you and your family have any special holiday traditions? Explain.
(5) Which do you prefer: wrapping paper or gift bags? Why?  BAGS - I'm nowhere OCD enough for wrapping paper!   ;)
(1) AND (4)  Every single year, my parents would give me the Information Please Almanac - lots  of very happy reading !!!  I may even still have some of the originals (not e-bay purchases, whereby I was///am! trying to shore-up the childhood losses).  I looked forward to finding it underneath the tree and once I did, boy - you wouldn't see me until there was food, lol ;)

There are more things I would like to share; I may just come back to this ...

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Why I have a jar of old buttons .....

I was talking to a friend the other day, who asked me what I would like for Christmas???

I shrugged and said, "Nah, nothin' -  get my doggy another bag of those treats, ok?"

He asked me again, with a little more insistence.  Surely there was SOMETHING?! --

I gave him a smile & replied, "My dear friend, what I want you can't give me - because it doesn't fit in a box, and, it can't be found, either.  What I want - well - how about my Mom and Dad back???  Yeahhh, that's what I'd like for Christmas!!!"

That sure explains things like why I have a jar of old buttons in storage (someplace ...still digging!) --

-- because my mom touched them; they were next to her sewing machine ...

Yeahhh, that's what I'd like (even Mom - now that I understand her more!) ..............

O Holy Night - Incredible child singer 7 yrs old -

Upcoming Blogger's Day of Silence ... for the silenced ones

Because Shanna Said So...: Silence and Support: To the blog world and anyone else who wants to help, Friday, December 14, 2012, tragedy struck so many of us in ways we did not foresee...

Oregon Mall Shooting Victim Kristina Shevchenko Survived Deadly August Crash - ABC News

Oregon Mall Shooting Victim Kristina Shevchenko Survived Deadly August Crash - ABC News

Operation Santa Claus breaks fundraising record - The Breeze: Life

Operation Santa Claus breaks fundraising record - The Breeze: Life

Saturday, December 15, 2012

No pictures for Christmas!

There are certain Christmas cards I didn't yet send (including one that goes overseas) that are going to be more than 'fashionably-late' ... and  that's because of a dual-headed snafu with Rite-Aid and Fuji Film ...

I had a disposable camera to develop and didn't want to drive into Harrisonburg (32 mile round trip, from closing my door to opening it again), ergo, I went here to Rite-Aid - now, about Rite-Aid --

I've had various problems with Rite-Aid (as well as some big name box drugstores) in the past that almost always fall under the category of : we built up SO FAST we have to grab our pharmacists by the hair as they graduate - therefore, they have plenty of book knowledge, but no actual business skills (and, more often than not, no common sense) --

but I was just dropping off film.

and that was last week.

So I went into Rite-Aid this evening to see if I was developed ... and right away I bunked into the problem of Emily, the teenager with the silky smooth jet black hair ...

I've been in there just enough to realize she's not an exasperated, surly teenager (picture the Jersey Shore reality show) with everyone - just women of my age, the age of probably her mother.  Ergo, she has mother issues, and I just happen to be a representative of that 'tribe' ...

and Emily is the only one working.

even the pharmacy is closed tighter than a slipcover (at 8.30 on a night when the store is open until 11?! which means anyone with an emergency will have to go into Harrisonburg and hit Maul-Mart).

and sucking in the air she exhales and leaning over her as she stocks shelves is a young man her age who just can't wait for her to get off, so he can.

so now she's doubly p'o ed she has to wait on me.  greaaaatttt


Rite-Aid, and Fuji Film, you have some 'splaining to do ... and as for my local Rite-Aid:  is Emily related to someone, making her hard-to-fire?!!

Lemon Lane Cottage: there are no words...

Lemon Lane Cottage: there are no words...: I have been sitting, staring at this computer screen trying to put into words emotions and feelings that are unfathomable.   Everything seem...

Meet my daughter

When Fairies Don't Shut Up: Bipolar Disorder: Bipolar disorder used to be known as manic depressive disorder or manic depression. It's a serious mental illness, one that can lead to ris...

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Sarah's Alleluia: Blessed Margaret of Castello

Sarah's Alleluia: Blessed Margaret of Castello: I recently had the horrifying privilege of reading The Life of Blessed Margaret of Castello . This tale of a hunchback Saint, blind a...

Sarah's Alleluia: Pray Always

Sarah's Alleluia: Pray Always: I've been pondering what it means to pray without ceasing. It seems like sometimes all God is waiting for is me to make that initial step....

Saturday, December 8, 2012

11 ?s from "The Puzzle of Sandra's Life"

And here are my 11 questions for you!
1. Who do you admire/look up to?  Lila Rose
2. What would you do if you won the lottery?  Buy a house at the Jersey shore, furnish it, pay all the #$% taxes, rescue dogs to live in it !  But only AFTER helping the people who have stood by through the years - very small numbers, they (and in at least one case, the most unbelieveable ...)
3. Do you have any (secret) talents?  Sssshhhhh ....
4. Do your personality and your zodiac sign description match?  Kind of.  I'm a Gemini, the "twins" - but there are more than just TWO sides to me ;)
5. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?  Not a clue - can I mebbe buy a vowel?!
6. If you could only shop at one fashion store for the rest of your life, which one would you choose?  Rose's
7. What is the most embarassing thing that has happened to you?  I was in secretarial school, and we had a pretty strict dress code - essentially, you were supposed to dress each day like you were going for an interview (THE interview for THE job) - but, barring that, at least for a *name* corporate office.  So it was winter, and I was wearing an 'acceptable if you're going to work in the office part of a warehouse' OOTD: a sweater over a business blouse, with a plaid skirt, stockings, and heels ... and ... as I took two steps out of the ladies room and was about to turn into a crowded hallway, the biggest stickler for the dress code literally jumped on my back, holding my shoulders and preventing me from walking forward.  Oh, no, I thought - I'm not dressed well enough ;-  and then, she whispered in my ear, "Your skirt is stuck up in the air to the back of your sweater, dear!"   ;)~~~~
8. Do you have any weird dreams?  Surely - and nightmares where I wake up screaming.  Its why I've done dream analysis since I was 15!
9. What is your guilty pleasure?  Could I possibly be arrested?!  Sssshhhh ...
10. Do you like your name or would you prefer having a different one?  Like it.
11. Who is your celebrity crush?  Sssshhhhh ... actually, this changes - I go through "phases" and right now, ahhh, I'm phaseless ;)...

C O M F Y H O U S E: on a clear day, i can see forever

C O M F Y H O U S E: on a clear day, i can see forever: Yesterday was one of those days where I was feeling RUSHED . I had too much to do and not enough time to accomplish it all. Sound familiar? ...

Friday, December 7, 2012

The frosted visitors

Two of my neighbors - both men - both really great guys - came to visit tonight.  And they brought there alcohol. 

I was okay - in an okay place, in an okay emotional spot where people drinking in my home was ok.  Otherwise, I would have asked them to take it elsewhere.

While the one guy got so trashed he's going to have a hammerhead tomorrow and the other guy looked just relaxed, and had to help him home, in both these cases I was given sober, discerning eyes to see what drunks look like. 

Call it my own reality tv.  Call it keeping it green, as we say in AA. 

Call it a remembrance that'll keep me sober today and for a while!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Extreme Makeover

Association of Catholic Women Bloggers: Extreme Makeover:   Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the sta...

How to build a Mary garden + JMJ

Association of Catholic Women Bloggers: Introducing Cheryl Dickow!: Cheryl has kindly signed up as one of our blog authors. Please check out her site here (Cheryl Dickow is a Catholic wife, mother, auth...

The Sparrow At Starbucks

Association of Catholic Women Bloggers: The Sparrow At Starbucks: My wife, Mary Jo, starts chemo treatments today a great story and song that if I keep trusting Him and singing His songs, everything's gonna...

Geneva teens say thanks to vets

Geneva teens say thanks to vets

Volunteer remembered with serenity garden

Pasadena: Volunteer remembered with serenity garden - Pasadena: The thrift store across from Magothy United Methodist Church has been open for 69 years with very dedicated volunteers.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

As Cape Cod Turns: B is 14

As Cape Cod Turns: B is 14: Today is B's 14th Birthday. I am not sure how I have a 15 and 14 year old, but somehow it has happened. I do know that I am lucky to have bo...

Friday, November 30, 2012

The 4's

Name 4 jobs you have had in your life:
     1- Customer Service Representative
     2- Counter person, McDonald's
     3- Retail sales
     4- Temporary clerical
Name 4 movies you would watch over and over:
     1- Them!
     2- 1994 edition of Little Women
Name 4 Places you have lived:
     1- Elkton, Va
     2- Edison, NJ
     3- Castine, Me
     4- Bloomingdale, Ga
Name 4 of your favorite foods:
     1- Spaghetti///Pasta///Italian!
     2- GOOD Chinese food
     3- French Toast///breads!
     4- Devil Doggys
Name 4 things you always carry with you:
    1- Purse
    2- Cigarettes 
    4- My heart

Special Santas help special needs kids enjoy Christmas

Special Santas help special needs kids enjoy Christmas

Friday, November 23, 2012

Tagged by Rach of ThisItalianFamily.Wordpress.Com

1. Who is your favorite philosopher? I have to agree w/ Rachel when she wrote the following answer: Absolutely Jesus. During His time on Earth He was counter-cultural in so many huge ways. He not only loved the outcasts, He literally reached out His holy hands and touched them. He not only spoke to women, He gave them dignity. He taught about love and mercy, forgiveness and equality. Best of all, He brought us face to face with God and told us that we too can call him Father. That, my friends, is awesome. :)
2. What is your favorite number?  I have several ... 8 and 63, especially
3. What is your favorite animal?  Quite a few!  Doggys, giraffes, llamas & alpacas ...

- skipped some, so if the numbers don't match, it's not you, lol ;)

5. What is your favorite time of day?  Overnight
6. What was your favorite vacation?  The older I get, the more I miss my childhood vacas @ Manasquan, NJ!  

 8. What is your favorite drink?  Coffee!  Just a regular cuppa coffee, non-dairy, a few ice cubes to take the hot off

 9. What is your favorite flower?  Tulips!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

"And you liked that?!"

My friend Kevin and I have had a running joke for a while now, about that movie that came out called with his name in the title - there's something about ... we need to talk about ... KEVIN!  ;) 

So last night I took a deep breath (as it was on the higher end of the rental scale) and watched it - WOW! Love this movie!

So of course! I HAD TO! tell Kevin I watched "his" movie ;) 

He wanted to be filled in on everything, so, ok, I did that ... when I got to the conclusion, he said, essentially, that while it sounded like a good movie, very interesting, that even with my interest in horror films, detective shows, true crimes ... he couldn't believe I would say I LOVE THIS MOVIE!

It was Tilda Swan's character of Eva.

She's someone I can identify with --

She's alone in her home on a holiday with a cold sandwich. She's by herself even when she's around other people & mebbe that's ok, because when she is around other people, she gets hurt even worse than she already is, or stared at///ignored.  She's walking around looking haunted, the eyes of someone who's lived through a horrific trauma. She needs meds just to survive the everyday.

And then there was the Christmas party scene ...she was actually feeling like her life was normal again and then... when the jerk said the unthinkable ... she didn't fold and agree with him - no! She gathered up whatever shred of dignity she had remaining, and left.  Go, Eva, Go!

I take the ending as hopeful - I really do!  Because she's walking into the light.  Her light is that her son is now going to an adult prison, and my belief in the ending is that she's going to escape: she's going to get in her ratty little car and go far, far away, where no one knows her, and have a better life!

She gives me inspiration doing that.

That, and that she can hug the person who brought her the most pain she ever experienced, she can still love that person in spite of every single piece of pain he ever gave to her -- that gives me a goal to aspire to!

Decide 3 ....

Daily Challenge: Decide three things that you are, three things you never want to be and three things you are practising to be.

3 things I am:  

1.  Writer

2.  Doggy Lover

3.  Elkton Va. resident

3 things I NEVER want to be:

1.  Homeless

2.  A murder victim

3.  Totally busted broke

3 things I'm practicing to be:

1. To never be any of the three never's

2.  To write down on paper, in ink, what's moving through me

3.  Unalone  


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

"If I had my druthers" my Thanksgiving dinner w/ LOTS OF PEOPLE!

 Warm spinach-parmesian cheese dip w/ crackers

Turkey w/ lots and LOTS! of stuffing (it's not dressing - you don't need to dress the bird, you need to stuff it!)

Spiral Ham

Pasta Salad

French-cut green beans ("stringers", my Dad called them :)  )

Duo mashed potatoes - whipped together w/ either turnips or sweet potatoes - or maybe triple mashed potatoes!*AND* (as this is my Thanksgiving ;) )  Tater Tots!

Pumpkin pie w/ real whipped cream

How come??? Can you explain something to me?!

The title of this blog post is something my father used to say to me, when he didn't understand what in the hell I was doing --

-- I've borrowed his phrase not only to title this writing, but as a question to God

You see, God, I was just up on Facebook.  And I caught some things - about my friend Trish - the one who has been with you now for two years ... plus, her birthday was just last month, too, so there were postings re: "Happy Birthday in Heaven!" -- so here's my question, God:

Trish had a husband who had loved her since they were teenagers.

Trish had five children.

Trish was community-active and made an impact on an awful lot of lives in an awful lot of ways - her sphere of influence was extensive! just as extensive as all the people who would call her there friends -- many of them for many, many years!

Trish had a faith that would put many to there knees, realizing that there own faith was shallow.

*** How come, God?!  Can you explain something to me?!  Why is Trish not here, in any of these places where she is so desperately needed and missed?!  We could start with the growing children, but really - any and all of these places need Trish and - she's not here -- HOW COME, GOD?!!  ********

Monday, November 19, 2012

The REAL Occupy movement!

Village lends helping hand to Sandy victims | Video | 7online

You don't care

This after, I went to see the doc - the one who is in charge of administrating my meds ... nice guy! one of my 2 favorite doc's in the Shenandoah Valley :)

Anyway, he and I agreed on this point: that the meds he has prescribed for me have eased my suffering - and thats a very good thing, indeed!  Praise God!!!  -- but also --

He and I both recognize that I'm not back on my game, not back to being myself ... and it's not just my appearance (which is always a big red flag for me personally) -- its that I'm ok with being around people on a "hi, how are you?" basis -- on a "could I have the meatloaf special with ..." basis --- but that I'm not banging down doors to make hangout friends ---

Doc feels that since my suffering is eased, mebbe I'll be able to get to that part ... personally, I think he's an optimist, but -sure, ok -- and, oh yeah --

You don't care that the emotional trauma you caused in my life & my soul has gotten me to not like and mistrust people.  You don't care because (this is multiple choice: you pick the ones that apply to you -- maybe it's more than one --) --

     You're a sociopath.

     You're a con artist, who bled me until I was dry & then you moved on to the next vic.

     You have a hidden ball of shit that I have no clue what it's all about & you won't fill me in.

     You have an addiction that tops everyone & everything.

     You have an untreated mental illness that tops everyone & everything.

     You are jealous.

Well ... mebbe you don't care -- BUT the doc & I do ... & my suffering has been eased (despite you'se people) --

-- Thank you God, indeed!!!!!!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Son says answered prayer will reunite his mom, dad before they die

Son says answered prayer will reunite his mom, dad before they die

"It's a cultural phenomenon."

Viewers can't wait for their dear 'Downton Abbey' | downton, abbey, fans - Entertainment - The Orange County Register

Pixel Posts: Merfy Loves Laundy

Pixel Posts: Merfy Loves Laundy: Our little dog Merfy, can't wait til laundry day. Fresh laundry right out of the dryer, is his invitation to snuggle. Merf is a "Morkie" - ...

"How Deep It Goes" ....

There was a song - I had it on a 45 at one time - I believe it was by Heart - which had an evocative, haunting lyric that sang "No one knows //// how deep it goes ..."  -- that's running through my head right now, as I sit down to type out this thing I want to blog about, so I figured it was a very appropriate title ...

Whenever I work on old resentments and anger and bitterness, I pretty much figure I'm starting with this century - with things that have happened to me over the past, say, half a dozen years ... then, on Weds, I found myself in a conversation with a woman who is at present going through something that I experienced in the 80s and earlier part of the 90s - and as I spoke to her, in a "yeahhh I've been there too sister let me tell you my experience!", I don't know if you could hear it in my voice? but I could feel it deep inside of me, and it was telling me this:

Jean, you have been embittered for a looong time now : its just more ingredients have been added to the soup.

WOW.  I don't even know what else to say ... I tried to ask myself last night that therapeutic question - "and so if you let go of the bitterness around this situation, what would you lose that you don't want to???" - but I couldn't even see the wisp of smoke of an answer. 

In other words:  I don't know how to look at these situations without grief, anger, frustration, and bitterness.

WOW.  I don't even know what else to say ...

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Eerie Scenes From Classic NJ Shore Town Ravaged by Sandy

 Please note if you are going to try to watch this 20/20 special:  it's excellent BUT the Sandy piece is a little clip at the end, with alot of things like Kelly Ripa talking about it (who the hell wants to see HER?!) and just a precious little of Seaside currently - also, if you try to jump the video ahead, you have to see every single dammed advertisement.

Eerie Scenes From Classic NJ Shore Town Ravaged by Sandy: While the results of the presidential election have dominated the attention of much of the country, coastal communities like New Jersey’s Seaside Heights are in a world devoid of politics, still reeling from superstorm Sandy. Watch the full story on Seaside Heights and superstorm Sandy...

Sunday, November 4, 2012

CoCo's good deed!

It is 1.30 in the morning ... and CoCo wakes me up to go out (she taps her toenails on the linoleum in the kitchen -gets me every time!) ...

Hey, when you're 16 years old, sometimes (ok -alot of times!) you have to go OFTEN!

Ok.  I get up ... I put the lights on ... I walk to the living room ... I put on my sneakers; I put on my jacket; I put on her leash; and

CoCo is just lying there.

I'm talking - no enthusiastic tail-wagging door lunge - in fact --

I open the front door and I'm standing there, and she's just laying there.  "C'mon, Coke!"  -- nothing -- and then --

And then my sugar started to crash.

Quickly, I got something in me to 'stem the tide'.  And I thanked her over and over again (with promises of more "Looks like hell!" meatloaf for Sunday) and

She let out a tired sigh and lay down on one of her blankets

After rescuing me


Thursday, November 1, 2012

The "Seven"s (thx to "Hems for Her"!)

seven great things in your life.
1. CoCo sleeping at the front of my desk as I type this out
2. The computer on this desk, that connects me to the world
3. Pictures from my life & from my parents lives
4. Books (such a category includes magazines, of course!)
5. I have a vehicle that works well
6 & 7. The present location of my desk///where I live - specifically, this apartment complex as well as its geographical location - that I open the front door & see my beloved mountains, w/ trees like broccoli's

seven things you lack and covet.
1. F
2. A
3. M
4. I
5. L
6. Y
7. <3
 seven things that make you angry
1. Culture of death, and the amount of time it has gone on despite scientific evidence to the contrary!
2. Looking right in the face of ignorance (as happened in a particular group on Oct. 30, 2012)
3. Things I 'lack and covet'; sleeping alone in a queen-sized bed
4. Betrayal
5. Injustice
6. Alzheimer's disease
7. What being disabled is all about in this country!
seven things that you neglect to do.
1. Laundry
2. Cleaning out things from previous houses I lived in & paying through the nose! for storage fees because of it
3.  DMV
4. Mail
5.  Clearing up clutter
6. Cooking instead of snacking
7.  Looking pretty

seven worldly material desires.
1.  Clothes, especially w/ tremendous details that really reflect me, like that herringbone jacket I saw @ Rose's!
2.  Groceries
3.  Virginia lighthouse license plates - I envy just about everyone I drive past with these!
4. A  new mattress
5. Just give me 60 seconds @ Green Valley Book Fair ;)
6.  A w/d hookup in my apt, so I can sit at my desk on my computer while the wash goes through its gyrations 
7.  The appeal is still there, despite Hurricane Sandy: a home @ the Jersey Shore <3

seven guilty pleasures.
1. Napping
2. Eating outside of my own kitchen, so I don't have cleanup and so I see other persons
3.  Conversely, staying in my own four walls & not going out in the world!
4  Anything to do w/ the seaside! I bought seashells at the yard sale that runs in front of the movie house here, and have decorated my apt w/ them, and that's a guilty pleasure because I know if I just go through my boxes in storage, I have loads of this stuff, and didn't have to buy it !
5.  Certain very expensive groceries, like shopping at an opulent place like Martin's
6. Television 
7. Very expensive, you really should wait for paperback!, books; magazines, some of them, have the prices on them that paperbacks once had!!!

seven things you love about love
1. When it is compatible to live w/ someone under the same roof
2.  Laying in bed being stuck together and having to peel yourselves apart ;)
3. Kissing
4.  Touching///Massages///holding hands in plain sight
5.  Inside jokes
6.  Someone making your coffee & they know the amount of non-dairy creamer and ice to put in it
7.   Holidays

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Piers, rides, and several homes destroyed in Seaside Heights | Video | 7online

Piers, rides, and several homes destroyed in Seaside Heights | Video | 7online

*&^%$! Sandy &^%$#!

The nearest I've come to panic attacks and overwhelming feelings, have been seeing the pictures (and some videos), of the destruction caused by Hurricane Sandy, to where I've actually had to take my "emergency" medication (thank you Dr.!) ... yet at the same time, it's not like I don't want people to not post it on my Facebook wall - I need to know what happened !!!

I have a couple of thoughts on this - one came about 1/2 day into looking at the news (1) and one came earlier, while I was out walking CoCo (2) :

(1) If I would get in my vehicle and see it in person -do a "touch-and-feel", I would be screaming, crying, gasping for air, falling to my knees upset YES -- BUT -- I would get it out and over with...

(2) Seeing pictures of known places @ the Jersey Shore that are now broken, link me to a younger time and place, when no matter what happened to me, what I did, what was done to me, I always had the security of my parents (most especially DAD ) behind me - so I could never fall off the high wire.  I tried to have that w/ David, and seeing photos of places we drove in the Outer Banks, remind me of how I tried very desperately to have that ... but didn't ... and I let it go on and on and tried and tried to make it work, partially because I wanted to recreate that security ...  And now - with my parents gone, my marriage long ago in embers, and essentially having an estranged family -- will I ever again feel such security this side of heaven?!  What if I don't, and I live another 40 years, or longer -- will I have to live every single day feeling like this place is 'inhospitable to life' because I don't have that security anywhere in my life -  

even tho I do have social connections, thank you God!!!   Q & A for my friends that read this -- do you have this security???  if you don't -- how do you go on day after day ?!!

I've found out that I can actually make-do without a dishwasher and a microwave ("mod cons") -- but with feeling like I'm flying without a net - whoooooooo ....!!!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The blessing in the battery

Yesterday, I was supposed to have an appointment w/ a doctor

and I walked out and

dead battery

I kept telling myself that this wasn't actually quite so bad:  I had gotten stuck in front of my own apartment; it moved me off my "yeah I have to get around to that" needing to renew my triple A; and maybe the biggest piece of all for me in this was that every time the panic came back up, I kept reminding myself, "at least you have the money for a new battery and you're not stuck here!!!"

So, ok - Triple A came out here .... and the guy said it wouldn't even jump start (yeah, I saw that - right outside my apartment and all like that) and I needed a new battery ... alright, pal, and how much is that going to run me??? ...


My vehicle is a 2004

I purchased it from a used car dealer circa 2009

I not only drove around Lexington, Kentucky ... I drove from Lexington to NJ and back (800 miles) and then drove Lexington to Virginia (half that distance) and then last holiday season I drove Virginia to NJ & (of course) now I drive around Virginia ...

And the year is 2012

The guy - when he went to replace the old battery - he was a little taken aback


So that battery had even more blessing in it, than I realized!!!!  THANK YOU, LORD +

Sunday, October 14, 2012

It's All About Purple: Life At The Jersey Shore...

It's All About Purple: Life At The Jersey Shore...: it's pretty amazing you know, living at the Jersey Shore.   A twenty minute drive, brings me here,   to Long Branch, New Jersey...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

@ Community Services Board

Yesterday I went in to the local CSB affiliate, to have my intake for counseling appointment ...

Now, let me say something right here:  I am a person who has been in therapy off and on since I was 16 years old (and had some really excellent therapists who talked to me like I actually had a brain); I have discussed therapy-type issues with a number of friends since that time; and I've read extensively in the field.  I'm not talking so much pop psychology - I'm talking non-fiction books, even medical journals (and naturally websites).  I've even read the diagnosing manual!  And I've been in enough 12-step meetings (since 1988) where I've certainly heard just about everything under the sun in this category (a marriage counselor who can't stay sober AND who has a rocky marriage, for example ...). 

So I know what I've got going on ... and I know w/ my anxiety disorder, I'm in what they call an avoidant stage, where I simply avoid as much as I can, to quell the anxiety.

I did not care for it when the intake therapist called it (twice!) procrastination!  Such a word smacks of someone who is lazy, and that's another word that just makes my skin crawl!

I didn't correct him because (a) he seemed like he was having enough of his own problems there (another story, that one) and (b) to be honest - I don't see myself getting "real therapy" there - which actually is fine with me!  I'm too emotionally exhausted w/ no trust to be dredging up my life again - and - by going to there group therapy sessions, it shall keep me on meds - which is what I really NEED

to become less AVOIDANT.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

An October w/ the a/c on ...

I just now went to post a news article and realized that an awful lot of my blogging lately has been sharing from other sources - and while I'm very happy to have an avenue to share what I feel is important, I realized too I haven't shared a personal update in a while, so, here goes :

I am still dealing with things that have changed - or haven't - to whit --

Thank you God for the antibiotics!!!  Almost all of the infection in my mouth is gone!!!  However - it still pinches a little; I still have to find a dentist to do the extraction (AND live through that); and now I have a riproaring female infection (despite yogurt + probiotics).

Thank you God for my other meds!!! I'm already finding I'm not getting as stuck in the sadness over not being able to turn around to someone who lives in the same house and loves me, and/or actual family, and/or being able to pick up the phone or walk down the hall & say "Daddy!" when something goes wrong.  I suppose that's a good thing, not being stuck in an overwhelming emotion ... BUT it DOESN'T change those facts & bring any changes into my life, either.  This whole dental distress thing REALLY reinforced for me (once again) how it's me and my beloved CoCo and that's it, folks.

Thank you God for what I still (somehow) manage to have remaining in my life!!!

Same thing should have happened w/ my Tampa Airport incident

Customs officer sentenced 33 months after groping women at MIA

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

At The Picket Fence: Ten Commandments for every blogger...

At The Picket Fence: Ten Commandments for every blogger...: Lately I've been thinking about what makes a successful blogger...and, by successful I'm not talking financial success, or populari...

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

"“I am sure the millions who died under Communism would not see the joy of celebrating the Russian revolution by a school 10 miles from Gettysburg.”

Marching Orders: A High School Band’s Communist Celebration | FrontPage Magazine

I Like You

Sperm-donor father of 43 children passed on genetic disorder |

Sperm-donor father of 43 children passed on genetic disorder |

This is a very serious disease!  It is probably more known to people as "the elephant man's  disease", altho there is a contemporary Guideposts writer who has this illness and writes about it extensively, Roberta Messner.

Facing my own crisis w/ healthcare

This is not a diatribe about how expensive it is, what's covered and what's not covered - believe you me! there are far better writers out there who have extensively covered that subject!!!  This is about my own personal problems w/ dental healthcare that I bunked into yet again today.  It is not so much a fault of one dentist or one secretary - if that were the case, you would just change dentists (which I've done, and which you'll see in my bullet list below, why) -- its more of a global problem with how healthcare looks at patients:

(1)  Antibiotics
       (a)  Just because I ask for antibiotics, does not mean I'm a drugseeker, for Chrissakes!  It means I know what it feels like to have an infection in my mouth, and what I need to do to treat it.  
       (b)  And then there was the dentist in Lexi who told me that the reason this is, is because of all these resistant strains that are coming around because of the overuse of antbiotics... when I started to say it was more caused by what is fed to cattle and chickens, I was expecting someone like my previous dentist, Dr Richard Noel, who looked at dentistry like a ministry, a two-way relationship - that even if he disagreed with you, he would respectfully listen to you.  This guy in Lexi started yelling at me - OH YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE!  While there were sharp instruments in my mouth and I was in horrific pain.  At the least it was a preliminary visit, so I was able to exit quickly enough and not go back there!
   (c) So here's my question: if it hurts now, and that means its infected, and I need an antibiotic, but you won't prescribe without seeing me, does that mean I have to wait a week until you look in there and agree with me, for pity's sakes?!  Does anyplace in dentistry have what doctors do - a nurse practioner type who can look at you fast if you don't need "the whole works"?
  (d)  You are aware, because I filled out your form, that I have preexisting healthcare conditions ... and one of them, at least, I feel, predisposes me to be suspectable to bacteria.  You don't know this?!  How educated are dentists???  If you do know this, why haven't you given me a standing order for antibiotics at my pharmacy?
(2)  $$$
 I realize you are a professional, who deserves to be paid ... but can we at least discuss $$$ when I'm not writhing in pain at your reception desk?!  (Of course, if Medi-nothing paid dentists the going rate, we wouldn't even be having this discussion ...)

(3) In Practice
When I first went to this particular dental office, there were two dentists.  I saw the woman.  We got along well; we developed a treatment plan that I said I needed time to think it over - my problem wasn't money, as I explained, but not having anyone in my life who could watch over me and help me out, post-surgery ... a short while later, I was stunned to see in the paper my dentist now in a different practice!  Never received a notice from her in the mail, nor did I receive a notice from the practice ... When it flared the time before this, I was in a desperate state and not wanting to travel over 16 miles one way by myself to an emergency dentist, I called the practice.  The dentist there - while never having seen me before - was very good about things ... but, still -- why did she leave?  why weren't the patients notified?  are you planning on getting someone else in your practice (because as a 'one-man-band' you are overwhelmed!)?

It just makes me feel like I'm in one of those old HMO plans where they assign you a doctor and you don't get a say in your own healthcare ... which I guess takes me roundabout back to the whole antibiotics issue!  For me, that's a larger problem with our healthcare: how every advertisement and book screams at you to advocate for yourself ... but when you do that, you bunk into:

(a) being patronized "you don't know what we professionals have gone to school for..."  attitude
(b) not being helped, anyway, until and unless it meets there specific protocols - which generally involves coming in for another office vi$it, at least

Socialized medicine???

Honey, all I want is healthcare that treats me like I have a brain and a say !!!!!!!!!!

City man harassed QVC host, police say

City man harassed QVC host, police say

For me, "a catalog on tv!" all started w/ HSN ... I was fascinated!  And it really helped during the times I was sick and bedridden .... And then came QVC!  And now, what have I found?  A website called, from where I was linked to this article.  There are more tv shopping options than even I realized - as Desiree of Pull Your Socks Up! says - eeeeppppp!  :

JTV (Jewelry TV)
Rocks TV
Shopping Channel (Canada)

Monday, September 24, 2012

Michelle O'Connell's murder ..and she's not alone ...

Behind The Blue Wall: [FL] It's that simple? Anonymous deputy says his a...: "...Investigators believe the deputy..." 9/20/2010 update: This case involves Michelle O'Connell and St. Johns Sheriff's Deputy Jeremy...

Fascinating blog here, all about domestic violence committed by law enforcement types on their intimate partners... I found it by looking for more info on this egregious case in Florida ...

The man in the concrete tank ...

Looking for something different to watch, I stumbled upon the first season of "Homeland" over this past weekend, and I have to say this:  I was so riveted and fascinated and intrigued by the first season, that I have even rewatched episodes - not, you know, a week or six months or a couple of years later ... but the next day! My only real sigh is with the too-worn-out-for-words cliche about spouses (one in particular) who can't take the hours and the demands of the job.  What captivated me about this show???  In no particular order, here is why I liked this show very much:


Believable military and spy stuff in a post 9-11 world.

My definition of a good horror movie still stands: it has good horror AND a back story that could stand alone, without the horror.  Even tho there are horrible things, I know this isn't horror BUT - it does fit very well under my definition of horror, too!

I've been up close and personal with at least two people who have had bipolar, so I was very interested to see if what was portrayed, was accurate.  TEXTBOOK.  Studying to be a counselor, should see THIS!  No wonder Clare Danes (the only thing I had ever seen her in before, that I recall, was that eye drop ad in which she got very serious and almost angry about how Allergen was a reliable company) received an Emmy!!!  Also, speaking of Ms Danes, there is a scene where she rushes in from having been out all night and has to quickly get ready for work, and in getting herself changed, she takes a washcloth and removes last night's smell from between her legs - that was very, very real-life! - don't know if that was Ms Danes idea or the writers, but it gave it a very believable touch (no pun intended)!

Loved the home interiors -especially the floor layouts .

Showed you that the world isn't just black and white: that there are many, many complex shades of gray.

Made you really sit here and think about some very deep life questions:  how much would be too much before you would snap???  if you had not felt love or a hug in many isolated years of torture, and then you finally did so, how much would that change your worldview - how much has it changed your worldview???  if you had no closure and someone was 'just missing', how long would you live without an intimate partner ???  what if you loved someone that was forbidden to your family: how far would you carry it ??? 

Friday, September 21, 2012

"At a deep level"

And so it is with my parents.  I see now that even after their deaths, their example of loving-kindness continues to teach me and guide my life.  That goes deeper than just warm memories.  My parents are in me at a deep level, deeper than the mind can comprehend, as deep as the heart.  And surely God was their heart's teacher. ~ Linda Tatum

I did a favor for a friend today.   Twice we bunked into the "but Jean let me pay you --"  Twice I insisted that I could NOT, because 'my parents will come back to haunt me for going against how they raised me!'  Instead, this is a better and more accurate reason why I did what I did and refused an open wallet ... and when I reminded that friend 'hey I'll need something and then you'll be there' -- it was to also remind him that - even with his own tragedies, griefs, and losses -- yes, he is still a very good person, who has lovingkindness in his own heart <3

Sep 19 - Homily: La Sallette a Warning - Video - Catholic Online

Sep 19 - Homily: La Sallette a Warning - Video - Catholic Online

Five Minute Friday- Wide

Five Minute Friday- Wide

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Lila Rose, Stephanie Gray, & my mother

Lila Rose is one of my heroes!  On her Facebook page today, she talks briefly about her own conversion to pro-life via a graphic image of an abortion, and links us to a lengthy article by Stephanie Gray that talks about others who have been so converted, complete with video interviews ...

I have my own story about this, far too lengthy for a little comment box, ergo, I thought I would put it on my own blog ...

I was born in 1963.  So I was around ten years old when abortion became legal.  One week, in the back of our Catholic church's literature section (always being a great reader, I stopped there!), there was a brochure, in color, of what abortion exactly did.

I was so horrified that I took this brochure home and taped it to my bedroom window - and my bedroom faced the street ...

Very soon, my mother started getting phone calls from very upset neighbors!  "Steffy, Christ!  I know you're Catholic, but really now!" ...

My parents and I had a big go round about this.  I wanted people to see what they had done.  My parents agreed with me, that it wasn't right and it needed to be known - "but not like this, Jeannee, not like this!"  Eventually, I conceded - what prompted me to untape it from the window was my mother saying that (a) people will find this out without you putting it in the window! and (b) it'll all be outlawed very soon, trust me! once people see pictures like this!

Fast forward to the years after my beloved father died ...

Before his health decline, my father had a conversation with me in which he said he was keeping his will short - he was leaving everything to me and "you know what I support, doll" - so in other words, he wouldn't have to bequeath $ to this and to that ... and I've done that:  veteran's organizations, religious entities ...

I can distinctly see myself (in my mind's eye) sitting in my wicker chair in front of the library table I had in my kitchen in Lexi, reading my Catholic newspaper (no doubt with my usual suspects of a cuppa coffee and), and there was an advertisement for the pro-life billboards I had been privileged to see now and then as I traveled ... "Good people, them," I said out loud (not really talking to myself because I had two dogs in the house ;) ... and as I said that, I was physically seated in my chair but emotionally transported back to that day in my bedroom when I was 10 years old --

I started to pray.  I looked at the entire advertisement, and what I especially wanted to see was this --

How much to purchase an entire billboard???

Where I sit, I have what I call my supplies, and what most of the world would call stationary:  envelopes, pens, paper ... I wrote a letter to this organization, recalling what had happened in my childhood bedroom, and I said (paraphrasing) essentially that since it hadn't been outlawed, and since my beloved dad had told me to support organizations he would have supported were he still alive - well - this was even bigger than my bedroom window had been!  And then I hunted for my checkbook, and I stuck it all in, taping the envelope closed and putting stamps on it (more supplies :) ) and then walked it over to the little table by the door (I always try to have some little something by the door to hold outgoing mail) --

I received a call from the director of the organization.  WOW!  She was blessed and touched by my letter and my donation, and she wanted to call me personally!

But you know what???

I took that call for my parents ... and for the children that are murdered and lost ... and only after all of that, I took it for one disabled woman in a housecoat, who found that even like that, she can make a difference in this sad old world.

Roots and Feathers // Violet Bella: RAINY DAY BLUES

Roots and Feathers // Violet Bella: RAINY DAY BLUES: Today when I was passing through the bedroom to take my shower, I found miss Violet snuggled up on the bed like this.  Its been rainy...

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Me Myself & I ... Link-up Party except

I'm not blogger savvy enough to link myself ;-  Here is there link:
Here are my answers to the questions:

1) When you're feeling down, what do you do to pick yourself up?
Things having to do with paper, I've realized: organizing (and re-organizing) ... a new book ... or a different book ... et al 
2)  If you had to live in a different time period which would you prefer?
The 40s possibly the 50s

3)  What is the most creative Halloween costume you've ever worn?
How about the year my mother hand-sewed a creative gypsy costume THEN put her makeup on me and her jewelry :)

4)  Five weird things about you we wouldn't know without being told?
I'm not even sure if I want to answer this one in a public forum ;- or if I can give you five?! Maybe one ...Hmmmmm.....

5)  What would you tell your 16-year-old self?
PAY ATTENTION - the choices you make now REALLY DO INFLUENCE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! And -get some new friends (some of them) - the ones encouraging you to act out are doing so because HELLO JEAN WAKE THE HELL UP! they're jealous of the life you have and want to destroy it.  (There is so much more I want to write about here, but so I don't get all bogged down in it, I'll leave it in a thumbnail for right  now ...) ............