In an online group to which I belong, we were asked to share 2012's greatest gift ... writing it out helped clarify some things for me; I consider it a beautiful piece of my writing, to be honest! & so I wished to also have it in my blog ...:
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I recently read the phrase "semiworthless person", and I'll have
y'all know that I'm already feeling that way, thank you, for being
estranged from family members (for various & sundry reasons,
including addictions on their parts), as well as twice-divorced and
uncoupled .... then, this past week, something happened where - while I
did stay sober - I basically became unglued --
-- essentially,
someone that lives in the same apartment building that I do, that I
thought was a friend, turned on me like Willard's rat - and not only
did he hurt me emotionally, not only did he bring up every other act of
betrayal by so-called friends -- he made sure to triangulate at least
one other person into it and damage my relationship with that person (if
not more than that) ...
It brought up so many emotional issues
of feeling unsafe & exposed for me that rather than go to the
laundromat and hang around the downtown for several hours - a place
where I have previously felt very comfortable, mind you - I furtively
dashed into my corner Dollar Store for a change of clothes!!!
BUT HERE'S THE THING -- he almost made me forget what one of the greatest gifts of 2012 was, which centers exactly on this place - let me explain:
When
I relocated back here, there were things specific to being back in this
Valley, and then there were things that were specific to my apartment
that I just loved: that I can park right outside my front door; that
there are no stairs to contend
with for me OR for a 16 year old doggy w/ weak back legs; the huge
kitchen counter; the fact that I can sit outside most days because I'm
covered by the boardwalk for the 2d floor so I don't have to worry about
sun or even rain; the fact that the rear street light shines right in
my bedroom - which annoys everyone EXCEPT ME! because I can use it as a
nightlight ;)
The only thing that bothered me was that I didn't
think financially I would be able to stick around for more than a year
... that I would have to go into public housing - which is actually very
decent EXCEPT that it being a federal building with their smoking
prohibitions I would always be running in and out - yet another reason
to love my little apartment here! I can sit in here and have my
cigarettes and coffee to my heart's content!
The greatest gift of
2012, for a doggy feeling her age & that I try to remember to tell
every single morning I'm so grateful we
get to spend another day together, and myself, is that we have been
able to stick around for another year at this apartment complex, where -
for under $500 a month - I open my front door & I face my beloved
mountains, directly across the street - in fact, they are so beautiful,
so awe-inspiring, that I excuse the fact they interfere with my Internet
at times ;)
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