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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

*&^%$! Sandy &^%$#!

The nearest I've come to panic attacks and overwhelming feelings, have been seeing the pictures (and some videos), of the destruction caused by Hurricane Sandy, to where I've actually had to take my "emergency" medication (thank you Dr.!) ... yet at the same time, it's not like I don't want people to not post it on my Facebook wall - I need to know what happened !!!

I have a couple of thoughts on this - one came about 1/2 day into looking at the news (1) and one came earlier, while I was out walking CoCo (2) :

(1) If I would get in my vehicle and see it in person -do a "touch-and-feel", I would be screaming, crying, gasping for air, falling to my knees upset YES -- BUT -- I would get it out and over with...

(2) Seeing pictures of known places @ the Jersey Shore that are now broken, link me to a younger time and place, when no matter what happened to me, what I did, what was done to me, I always had the security of my parents (most especially DAD ) behind me - so I could never fall off the high wire.  I tried to have that w/ David, and seeing photos of places we drove in the Outer Banks, remind me of how I tried very desperately to have that ... but didn't ... and I let it go on and on and tried and tried to make it work, partially because I wanted to recreate that security ...  And now - with my parents gone, my marriage long ago in embers, and essentially having an estranged family -- will I ever again feel such security this side of heaven?!  What if I don't, and I live another 40 years, or longer -- will I have to live every single day feeling like this place is 'inhospitable to life' because I don't have that security anywhere in my life -  

even tho I do have social connections, thank you God!!!   Q & A for my friends that read this -- do you have this security???  if you don't -- how do you go on day after day ?!!

I've found out that I can actually make-do without a dishwasher and a microwave ("mod cons") -- but with feeling like I'm flying without a net - whoooooooo ....!!!

1 comment:

  1. i feel secure and happy...my friends and family provide the love and strength i need. i believe in a higher power, i consider myself a christian because i am kind and giving.

    i do not believe in organized religion. that has never given me comfort or a feeling of security!!

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