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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Upset now ...

As I said to someone recently, my blog is a "mixed bag" - because, quite honestly, I'm a mixed bag ;)  I have different interests, different things going on in my life, different things that make me, me ... so here is another piece of me ...

I arrived here Catholic.  Had various and sundry problems within the Church here and started to feel like I was holding on to the mast of a sinking ship that had torn rigging!  So, when the opportunity presented itself, I resumed studies with the Jehovah's Witnesses - something I had done earlier in my life.  I looked at it this way:  this is a faith practice that actually practices their faith and acts like Christians! plus, I love studying!  Being in a place where I was already finding it difficult to make friends, this would work!

And, it did ... for a while.  What happened is, I was felled by a really bad depression, and then, as I started to pull myself out of it, the Sunday meeting time changed to an earlier hour - 9.30 am - that was just not going to work with my physical disabilities.  I tried, I was still battling depression, but I stopped going there, too ...

My study sister brought my magazines regularly, and we would talk then; occasionally by email.  When I realized I was through all the Sunday Study articles, and I emailed her about it, she very nicely told me that if I wasn't active in the congregation - just on the magazine list - I couldn't have such magazines.  And that kind of finished me there.  I felt like there were now two denominations here in an unfriendly and odd place, that essentially had placed me outside their doors ...

Just now, someone else that I know from the congregation, stopped by to drop my magazines off.  I was upset to hear that my study sister has had a stroke - even more upset to hear that it happened almost a month ago now.  I was never emailed, never had anyone come to my door to tell me.  Sure, why would they go out of there way for someone who isn't active in the congregation?!

I didn't say this to the woman who dropped by - she's a decent, sweet, kind soul (as is my study sister) and I didn't want to embroil her in my stuff - I made conversation about illnesses and kept it to that level...

But, I'm upset.  I just feel so - unwanted - here.  Its a feeling that has been with me since the day after I arrived, three years and three months ago, and has spread, like an oily stain, covering not just one area, but more than one - several areas - until it blocks out the Sonlight.

Penni told me that she's having trouble leaving comments, and I'm sorry for that!  But, just in case you can do so now, I will delete anything that's condemning me for being me, all of me.  And that's not just for this post.

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