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Thursday, September 1, 2011

I swore I would do the right thing ...

The next six pages have Brianne pic's :  most of them are of my daughter as a baby (my baby is going to be 29 years old!), with a few of them in her elementary school age days ...

When I was pregnant with her, and then after she was born, I swore that I would absolutely do the right thing by her :  I would raise her right.  The criticism from her father (who was already abusive to me by then) began and the fact that we lived with his family, didn't help matters ... when the split came and I went back to my parents house, I was unfortunately in a position where my parents were as overwhelmed by the whole early marriage and why the divorce happened, situation, that they couldn't be too much support beyond roof over my head and boxes of diapers - altho Dad really tried, walking the floors with her when she was teething, handing me a five or a ten with his free hand as he did so, telling me, "Here!  Go to the diner!  You can't handle this !"

I swore that I would raise her the right way, but I was just so lost myself, and I couldn't see the forest for the trees - I couldn't see what was right in front of me ... looking back, do I think I should have had an abortion?  NO.  I think to be very gut-right honest I should have adopted her to a family who could do more than swear - who actually had two parents (and not one abusing and doing everything wrong to the other he possibly could dream of) that could provide this for her.  Then maybe she would have had a real chance ... ok, I understand genetics, and I get it that she'd still be bipolar from her father - but maybe just maybe if she had more of the way that I know a child should be brought up - maybe it wouldn't have hit her so hard and maybe, even more than that -- maybe she would have taken care of it, been around supportive people, not people who would give her a thousand and one ways to live out her illness.

Maybe what I swore, would have been more like a prayer, and come true.

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