I happened upon a piece of writing I did a couple of years back ... and I could hear in my words the real rawness of the anger I walk around with every dammed day - anger that has no justice to it, because there is no resolution, so it spits itself inward and becomes depression. I also hear my bewilderment.. But I also think that mebbe this when it really, REALLY started to "defrost" and it all spilled out.
Well last night when I was sitting here I did it again: I have TONS of
photographs and alot of them are ones my father took on his vacations,
the years after my mother died, before he got so sick. Now, the ones of
lighthouses and scenic wonders and specific things like that he took
for me - those, I'm keeping ...
... but there are also alot of pictures of shirttail relatives and his friends.
If he's in the picture, I've saved it. Sometimes I've just cut him out! lol!
But he was a real camera bug, you know. So a little at a time I'm
weeding things out. When I toss these people I put them in the
recycling bucket - I don't know if old photos can be recycled! I'm
thinking "yes" because they're paper. If not, well - they'll have fun
looking at them at the recycling center, lol!
The ones that hurt the most are the ones of M and her
whole family, that really incorporated my Dad into thier family after my
mother died, because the end of that story is : they ripped him off
financially when he got dementia ... and when I came in to take care of
him, they went after me - partially jealousy, mostly "let's create a
diversion so maybe she won't go through the cancelled checks or question
why her electric bill is so high".
Of course the worst part about something like that happening is that it
makes me very - suspicious. In general. In toto. You have that go on,
and friends turn against you, and when you realize how much of that was
based on people being jealous of you - you just about don't want to
open up to anyone, ya know?!
Anyway, this particular box is a little lighter now. And I guess I
could use prayers so I could be a little lighter, too - of remembered