Ahhh ... rough day - my Myndie's birthday today ... and then, you know, I tend to do this dumb thing when I'm already feeling pulled down - yeahhh, I went on someone's social networking page and got myself even more depressed ... c'mon, Jean! pull yourself outta this! OH, I KNOW!!!
After rooting around on several websites, I figured - Mob Wives is the ticket! They sound like me and I'll see familiar places, too :)
Only the Mob Wives didn't do it, and I'll tell you why --
Two wives had a problem with each other. They got into a loud arguement ... that then became an "oh my God I'm the cameraman but I have to jump in here!" pushing, hair pulling, knock over furniture, actual physical FIGHT! ... but then, you know what happened, in the end?
As the kids say nowadays, they hugged it out.
None of this shit - I'm going to ask you to move here to my hometown and promise you the moon and help you do everything you can to get here, and then leave you stranded. I'm going to send threatening texts and act like I'm in jr. high when we've been friends for nineteen years and oh yeah I happen to be an ordained minister. We've been friends for 13 years but you don't do as I think you should so X friend to you, bubs, via email. We've been friends for 9 years or so I let you think so but really I had a hidden agenda - I was running a scam, it just took me longer to latch you in. We've been what you thought was a good friend but all of a sudden I unFriended you on Facebook. Or I've just frozen you out in other ways because my agenda changed and suddenly you looked awkward in the new one - not, of course, that I gave you an opportunity - or wouldn't even allow you in, even tho it looked like we were going to be famous friends, so when you extended an invitation and said - hey, let's go here and do this! - you said "oh Jean I think you would enjoy that - call me sometime to let me know how it was for you". Or you just stopped being present - you were suddenly too busy doing, as the old saying goes, "doing God knows what, with God knows who, at the God knows when, hour".
Yeah, I do have friends. But not like I did - not like my life was for many, many years - drinking or sober chick, disabled or working for a living - I always had friends - all different types. But over the past few years ... and did I even mention the "I'll believe the lies this person is saying about you, rather than ask you directly, and stop being your friend even tho we were so close" people?! or the "well if you're not going to our church, then" ....
As with other things, it amazes me that this is my life! It amazes me that I've actually gotten cautious and wary - and even further amazes me that, even with all of that, that I actually allowed a few new people in - and - in some instances - I've been hurt all over again.
I'm starting to feel like what one friend said years ago about another mutual friend: that I'm walking around like Eeoyre! In fact, after I moved here, I deliberately bought an Eeoyre t shirt and I did wear it often!
I need to find that shirt, man.
I also need to stay out of online places that'll just hit the hurt again. And think about what's coming up - that, even if I don't have an address - I'm going back East! I get to see grandsons! and diners! and real pizza! and the ocean! and go to my parents graves! and meetings!
And see people who are still my friends.