Thursday, November 17, 2011

Blue & Blue Ridge Mountains, too

So I've been watching some episodes of NYPD Blue (via  And I've hit a spate of episodes I don't even remember seeing the first time!  Baldwin and Maya ... John coming into an inheritance, buying his dream car, and getting carjacked ... especially how very slowly things really did develop between Andy and Connie.  Since I've been an avid Blue fan from the beginning, I was puzzled AND THEN I looked at the original air dates -ah! these aired right around the time my marriage hit the jagged rocks; and as watching Blue was our thing to do together, apparently, that last gasp year, we surely missed alot of tv - would you want to sit down and share something with someone you know is emotionally detaching from all your bullshit and gathering herself up?!!  Apparently the answer is sometimes 'yes', as I  certainly remember Connie being w/ Andy and Connie adopting her sisters baby BUT as I didn't see it develop, it just seemed like all of a sudden, they're together, and I neither understood nor cared for that, and I can remember my dh and I fighting about the Connie-Andy scenerio.

And speaking of things that are blue --

Am getting very, very ready to move back to the Blue Ridge Mountains of Va!!!  So soon I'll be offline, until I get resettled.  More I can say, but that's it for now ....

Sunday, November 13, 2011

No Moral to This Story

No Moral to This Story

I heard about the horrible shopping cart incident, but I didn't know "the rest of the story" - which this article provides, like this: Mrs. Hedges‘ attackers, known in court documents as Jeovanni R. and Raymond H. because of their ages, live in the very neighborhoods Mrs. Hedges tries to help through her volunteer efforts. Altho I don't care for some of the heavy-handedness the writer has in here, it nevertheless has some excellent background information on the poor woman who got clobbered.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Snoopy's tree and your own personal bodyguard

I had the double shock today of finding out two people I knew, have passed away:  one a friend I used to be very close to, Sylvia; and one a woman I worked with, Louise.  And that's one of the reasons I have this blog, you see:  to share stories about loved ones <3

Now, w/ Sylvia, umm - some I don't want to put on the Intrawebs, because other parties involved may still be alive ;-  BUT - I can tell you the story of her first job!  It's Sylvia's Charlie Brown's Christmas tree, story:

Everyone advised Sylvia -who was about 15 at that time or so - NOT to work for this guy who had a Christmas tree lot - because he would pay you as cheap as possible, promising some incredible amount of something like $150 on Christmas Eve IF you sold every last tree.  A person would say, oh I can do that - and then - uh-oh.

And then came Sylvia, who literally had the personality of being able to sell sand to Arabs!

On Christmas Eve the owner came back and was quite chagrined the lot was cleared-out, and looking for an excuse not to pay her -a-ha!  You missed one!  That straggly thing leaning against the fence!

Sylvia picked it up, walked out in traffic, on the divider line, reciting the story of Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree at the top of her lungs -interjected with "don't you want your kids to have Charlie Brown's tree this year!".  A guy beeped, said "yeah, lady!", handed her five bucks, she handed him the tree.  The owner was forced to pay her,too - he never wanted to hire her back again ;)

Ah, Louise ... I worked with Louise in the housing inspection dept of a major city.  Louise was a lady - she never smoked outdoors, for example, and she always had Chanel suits and high heels, with perfect hair, the whole 9 yards.  When her husband died, very young, his political connections got her this job.  Seeing how she was a lady, the boss always assigned her the best neighborhoods ....

Charlie was a big ol' Irishman who was sweet on her.  It was literally like watching a 50-something year old puppy dog.  Louise was clear:  she valued his friendship, but it couldn't be more than that - her children wouldn't approve and even more so, she couldn't get remarried, she'd lose her husband's pension. And she couldn't so much as kiss anyone she wasn't married to, you know, because she was a Lady.  Charlie just smiled and followed her around, anyway ....

So we had something like a flu go through the office ... half the inspectors out.  Louise said to the boss she'd take the slack.  OH NO, roared Charlie - dem's are crack houses!  Too dangerous for a Lady!  Louise said she would be fine.  Charlie insisted he was going along as her bodyguard.  Well, it made sense to everyone else - Louise was a Lady, maybe five foot two, and Charlie was this Irish toughie over six feet tall!

A couple of hours into the morning, we that are staff are startled to see -CHARLIE IS BEING CARRIED IN?! with Louise walking behind him?!  What happened!  Get that man some coffee!  Charlie was not unconscious, tho, and he was adamant Louise was not to tell any of us what happened!

Louise patted him and told us anyway...

Louise walked into an active crack house.  "Listen, I'm here to inspect the building, bud," she said.  Okay, lady, sure - and they left HER alone - but pulled a gun on Charlie!  Charlie started shaking, tossed his wallet, begged for his life, and then -um - fainted.  Louise took off her high heel, knocked the gun out of the guy's hand, knocked the guy out, and then dragged Charlie by the jacket out of there, whistled for a cab, and had the cab driver lift Charlie in the back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor Charlie - his love was undaunted, but he never, EVER lived that down!!!

The Loneliness of the Military Historian

The Loneliness of the Military Historian

11-11-11 Veteran's Day +

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Yesterday - thoughts --

If I was walking someplace, and I saw a gang of young men eyeballing me, and wearing certain clothes, and making the signs with their fingers ... c'mon.  I would know I was in trouble!

What happened yesterday, tho, falls into the line of someone who befriends me.  Someone with whom I let down some of my walls and I do this because I think we have some connection to one another - in this case, with being disabled and living on a daily basis with the inability to do things as well as physical pain.  The ol' "this is one of my peeps, yo", as they say.  For yet another person to get next to me just for their financial gain, makes it even harder for me to want to be next to anyone at all anywhere in my life.  So -yeah, okay - I'm going to go the bank and flag my account, because you have my information and even tho I cancelled ... but there is the intangible part of this - the part that involves my ability to be able to smile and laugh and talk freely with other people walking this planet - and once you damage that heart in someone - well, that isn't as easy to fix as going to my bank this morning, will be.

And mine has such deep scars on it already, you may have just nicked an artery this time, you dammed cons of the world!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Caught me a con

I'm still desperately searching for a mover.  I put out requests online, still looking, still looking ... one particular company calls me.  This lady and I, we talk and talk.  Oh, she has health problems too -far more serious than me!  We talk about my inventory.  She gives me a quote.  And you know what?

I'm tired.  I'm desperate.  I want to move forward already.  Yeah, I'll contract with your company.  Except for some odd (God) reason, my credit card is declined.  So we decide I'll ok it at my bank tomorrow and call her back.

I get off the phone.  I'm looking at my notes and I realize I didn't take the name of the company -duh, Jean!  No problem!  I'll go online and do a reverse phone lookup.

Number doesn't exist?!

I type in her name, Lissa Chovon.  Another good one to look up is United States Movers - don't look at their website - look at the complaints. 

Complaint after complaint after complaint.  This woman poses as whatever you are.  Worse, they subcontract to some local, uninsured guy who happens to own a truck.  Stuff is lost, never recovered, damaged, broken, stolen.

I'm sitting here shaking and crying and feeling like the world is ablaze with con artists and I'm just another mark.  But wait Jean wait - you caught it, didn't you?!

I called her back.  I didn't want to get into a long-suffering conversation about all the outrageous things that you wouldn't even think could go on without someone being arrested, that she's done - I simply said friends are going to move me, so, thanks, but no thanks.

I'm still shaking. 

And I still don't have a mover.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I didn't think I was 'one of those'

In my email arrives a subscription from Marci Shimoff.  The one I was just reading was from someone new she is collaborating w/, Rick Hanson.  It was an entire post on how to handle it when someone hurts you (very short form there, sorry - but that's the jist).  The quote that got to me was this one:

Recognize the humbling yet wonderful truth: most of the time, we are bit players in other people's dramas.

Today is a wedding of someone I once thought of, as a friend.  No, not invited ; in fact, I was frozen out a couple of years back - as I see it, when there life shifted - rather than see if Jeannee was cool with the shift and could adapt to the change, roll with it -- they simply froze me out.  OUCH!

So I read this email thinking, 'Well, this might pull me out of the underneath it all funk I've had going on today because of what day it is" -- and then I came across what  I've quoted above.  Um - really?!  Gee, I felt like I was a pretty important and solid friend - and now u r telling me I was only a bit player?!

OUCH!!!  Screw the self-help crap today -now, I need help, to get over the help ;-

Friday, November 4, 2011

There's Many a Gray Head in Occupy Wall Street Crowd | Truthout

There's Many a Gray Head in Occupy Wall Street Crowd | Truthout

Now this guy, I agree w/ - Jerome Cirie, 66, said he was concerned with what he saw as excessive imports and not enough manufacturing jobs in America.

Whatever you think of the Occupy movement, I personally find it fascinating ... btw, I was driving through downtown here (Lexi, KY) the other day and saw one of those awning covers on the sidewalk, with people in lawn chairs under it, and honestly I thought they were an extension of the farmers market, UNTIL I saw the signs --- maybe four, five people?! in a college town?! oh, wait, it's Kentucky, that might explain it ....

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Especially for Catholics in recovery

I was trying to remember, trying to remember ... there was this daily Catholic email I used to get, from a priest in Wisconsin, named Father Pat.  I distinctly remember it because other Catholic friends in AA recovery also received his emails and in fact we used to discuss them.  It took a little digging, but here is the guy I used to sub to --

 a web ministry that included the award-winning St. Bronislava Parish web site.  During these years he began sending a daily e-mail Morning Prayer that now goes to thousands of people all over the world.  He also began sending weekly e-mails containing the Scriptures for the following weekend, Reflection Questions and a weekly Spiritual Reflection.Father  Pat's Web Ministry has been featured in USA Today, the Milwaukee Journal/Sentinel and around the USA and Canada in articles carried by the Scripps Howard News Service, Saint Anthony Messenger, National Catholic Register, the Ligourian, Catholic Newspapers of the La Crosse and Green Bay Dioceses and the Archdiocese of Milwaukee and many other Catholic publications. 

But that's not how what I first found on him - in fact, what I first found horrified me.  Not being able to recall his last name, I thought it was some freaky coincidence.  But, it's not.  It's the same guy we knew and loved from emails that is now known for: 

The Rev. Patrick A. Umberger, faces one felony count punishable by up to $100,000 in fines and 25 years in prison. Among several images of children that state department of justice agents discovered on Umberger's computer were three photographs depicting boys and possibly a girl in sexual positions, according to the complaint.  The case against Umberger began when police received a report that he had been acting 'suspiciously' at a Lake Delton water park in July 2009, according to the criminal complaint. A family had told Noah's Ark Water Park employees that Umberger was sitting near a kiddie pool and following boys into the men's restroom, and the employees called police, according to a Lake Delton Police report. Umberger told an officer he had a season pass and was near the restrooms because he had prostate problems and had to urinate often, the report said. The officer told Umberger that park officials had revoked his season pass and drove him to his car. The officer noted she questioned Umberger for an hour and he never had to use the restroom.   Lake Delton officers shared the report with police in Onalaska, who discovered Umberger had a website as well as a Facebook account that listed many young boys as friends. Onalaska police turned the case over to the state Justice Department.  Umberger allegedly told the agent, however, that he found people could become sexually attracted to him when they were 12 or 13 years old and he was attracted to boys between the ages of 12 and 15 or older.

Now, at this point, I want to stop and say that this is the identical attraction that Father Bruce Ritter had that almost brought Covenant House down around its ears.  This specific type of sexual attraction has a name: Ephebophilia is the sexual preference of adults for mid-to-late adolescents, generally ages 15 to 19.

Now, the story on Father Pat only gets worse.  Just when I was upset and sad and shocked, people, it got worse:  Father Pat, at age 60, died, of cancer, before he could get his day in court.  There is an excellent article, with links to Father Pat's cancer blog, @ ;  -- in there section for 2010.  The thing is, I remember him having cancer of the eye when I was subbed to him - and I remember thinking;  what an odd place to get cancer!  Years later, a friend's husband also developed cancer of the eye and was told it wasn't a primary cancer -it broke off from somewhere else.  So that too explains Father Pat's death.

One more thing:  for historical accuracy, I checked on Father Bruce Ritter when I was typing this article.  I didn't know that he was allowed to be a priest after 15 people came forward -he was just shipped off to India; allowed to come back to upstate NY to die (ironically ? also of cancer).  YOU SEE HERE CATHOLIC CHURCH, WHY I'M ONE FOOT IN, ONE FOOT OUT?  YOU SAY I SHOULDN'T RECEIVE AFTER BEING MARRIED AND DIVORCED TWICE -YET YOU ALLOW THESE GUYS TO STILL BE PRIESTS?!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Crossdressing 7-year-old boy allowed to join Girl Scouts |

Crossdressing 7-year-old boy allowed to join Girl Scouts |

This is a topic that can ignite alot of heated words, but whatever side u take on this, consider this: in the comments section, there was a person identifying as Allan D who said something really profound - my definition of profound being something that makes me stop and go "ya know - um -yeah - he has a point " - much more so than the expected statements about where is the father? why can't the mother just say no? etc. -- he says --"Can a white man join the Black Panthers if he thinks he is a black man born in a white man’s body? Can little Bobby Montoya join the AARP if he thinks he is a 70-year-old in a 7-YO boy’s body? Can a native Mexican in Mexico legally work in the USA if he thinks he is a US citizen in a Mexican citizen’s body?"

Saturday, October 29, 2011

7 things about me, tag

1.  I have, on my Hulu subscription page, shows I watched as a kid that made me cry when they were over:  the original Flipper, and Lassie <3

2.  I never, ever, EVER read instruction booklets ... for anything.  They confuse me!  I hand them to Kevin and then HE tells me what's in there, lol ;)

3.  I love what the world calls bad jokes, groaners, puns - Happy Bird-Day - cracks me up!  ;)

4.  I always knew I would wind-up marrying someone who actually liked chocolate chip pancakes from IHOP, and that happened the second time around - when he wasn't grossed-out by it, like even chocolate lovers, I thought to myself, "Uh-oh!"  ;)

5.  Through the miracle of Facebook, I've become reconnected with people I went to high school with ... now, this one guy, Marty - he has a terrific wife, Diane!  Never met her f2f, but what I read online, she's a great gal!  Now, she's a beautician, too, so I plan to have a 'professional' visit with her when I get back East :)

6.  My mother taught me to read with the NY Daily News.

7.  I bought so much pasta on sale, I think I'm going to be moving with it!

BONUS - I've been on the web since 1996.  I was really a Luddite about this stuff ... a friend back home said - hey!  we can cut down on our phone bills! - so, groan, ok, ok ...  we did that ONCE - she didn't care for an AOL private chat room, even tho it was much cheaper, because she couldn't hear my voice - but, by then, I had discovered the intrawebs!

Christmas wish list, 2011

Dinner is served!  w/ table talk 
Winter boots

Ya know .... they say "If you stop believing in Santa Claus, you get underwear!" ;) but the state of my underwear including socks is pretty poor, so ........   

Loss of favorite 'soap opera' brings tears to watchers | Living | Southlake Journal

Loss of favorite 'soap opera' brings tears to watchers | Living | Southlake Journal

See, I can't understand all these soaps being cancelled, with all the new and varied ways to watch tv ... until and unless I see it as a publicity stunt, to get everyone switched over to watching content on the internet.
Immigrants "come out" at Winston-Salem rally

"Got Papers?" - not carrying a wallet - a very insightful article, no matter what ur personal feelings are on this hotbutton issue!

Friday, October 28, 2011

From a church bulletin

“To Jesus, on the cross: You know what hurt is
and how it feels to be left behind by your friends.
You know how I feel, and I know
how you felt. I will stay with you
today, and I know that you will
stay with me. Amen.”

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Why is she handing me a butter tub?!

A while back now, I had ordered cookies from kids selling it for fundraisers ... and I've been wondering ... where are my cookies!  I want cookies ;)

So just a little while ago a very nice, very scared of a barking dog little girl came to my door and - well, she handed me what looked like a butter tub!!!  I didn't ask her because she was literally trembling because of CoCo, the poor thing ; I simply said "thanks!" and let her scurry away ...

I brought it to the kitchen, opened it - what was inside looked like commercial butter but - peanut butter ... at that point, I decided to read the label - which honestly wasn't much help at first except in telling me it had all these things I shouldn't be eating! but then in fine print - there were baking instructions.  And I think that's when the lightbulb appeared over my head, lol - what I thought would be a package of cookies, was instead cookie batter.  Ahhhhh, I see, I see, said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw ;)~~

I'll let you know how they are ..............

Monday, October 24, 2011

Forgotten 40 oz. beer at root of stabbing - Las Cruces Sun-News

Forgotten 40 oz. beer at root of stabbing - Las Cruces Sun-News

Well, lodging a weight in the wall and other things she did here - yeahhhh, maybe I'll just stay sober another day (just don't forget my coffee!)

Two friends, soldiers in Iraq, reunited after five years

Two friends, soldiers in Iraq, reunited after five years

What makes an 'unruly' airline passenger?

What makes an 'unruly' airline passenger?

Unruly, like beauty and ugly, is too often in the eye of the beholder .... Reading stuff like THIS just validates my own bad airline experience - altho, no, I wasn't what they call a "removal", I was victimized, and found no one with any authority was willing to hear what I had to say.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Rescued dog coming home to Manchester soldier | New Hampshire NEWS01

Rescued dog coming home to Manchester soldier | New Hampshire NEWS01

An absolutely fabulous story (except for what happened to Fathead), about an absolutely fabulous organization! I figured we could use some good news on this website, hey?! after what I've been posting lately (rolls eyes and sighs).

One for the books: APPLES?!!

Last night I was sitting here on my computer and this horrific noise - something was slammed hard into the side of my house right by where I was sitting ;-  It literally sounded like someone had whipped a baseball against the exterior wall!!!  But that made absolutely no sense, because my house is less than 20 feet from my neighbor's, and she surely wasn't throwing anything at my house! 

But the noise persisted.  I was afraid it was going to hit the windows and shatter them!  CoCo simply got scared, ran, and hid. 

All my flashlights were dead, so I walked outside and walked around to the alley - see I was thinking it was a kid, but there was no one there.  It was full-dark, nighttime, so there was nothing I could see ... but after the noises persisted, I went outside and moved my truck so the headlights shone in that alley - and still, there was no person to see - and that's what I was looking for:  a living, breathing, person, one I could grab and go talk to their parents about the wild life their kid was having here, and - nothing, no one.

But by that point, I was scared - scared that the window was going to be broken by what I could only tell you were baseballs - that's what it sounded like - so I shut the light.  I went into my bedroom in the back of the house and then the noise started back there, too!  I shut the light in the bedroom and the noise stopped.

So now I have this mysterious something that I have no explaination for, pounding against my house, frightening CoCo - which in a sense was a good thing, because it was giving me proof that I wasn't just "hearing this"!  I honest to God didn't know what to do!  Calling the police for unknown house noises sounded like I was a nut case, so I didn't do that; it was between 9 and 10 pm, so I didn't want to disturb my next door neighbor, who is an early sleeper (altho yes she and her boyfriend were home).  I did speak to Kevin and he was perplexed as I was, and he had no idea of what this could be about, either.

Eventually it did stop.  And I did get to sleep.

Got up this morning and when I walked into the kitchen, and specifically went over to change CoCo's water dish, which is right by the floor to ceiling window, I saw it:  outside, on my lawn - not baseballs, but APPLES.  In fact, they're all over the grass alley between the houses and my back yard.  SIMPLE :  THAT'S WHAT WAS HITTING MY HOUSE - APPLES!  NOT SO SIMPLE:  HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN, SINCE I HAVE A FENCED YARD AND OUR HOUSES ARE LIKE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER AND IT WASN'T MY NEIGHBOR?!

I have some theories :  the best guess idea, for right now, is that someone - possibly on the street that Ts and is just two houses away from my own - had a catapult.  It doesn't sound too outrageous, considering such things have been in the popular media, with the show Little People, Big World, for one, having the father build one and use it for an annual pumpkin throw.  I guess I'm supposed to be happy that whomever this was was stocked with apples that would have been perfect for a pie, instead of pumpkins, because can you imagine the damage that would have caused ;-

I'm glad my time to be attached here is almost over with, and I have the apples to prove it ;-

Saturday, October 22, 2011

What I did today .....

I spent money I didn't have on, on books.  Well - it was at Goodwill, which tells you it was really inexpensive AND c'mon it helps a good cause!  Of course they don't know how to run things there :  only when I was up at the register did I even see a rolling rack that - had it been in the correct place with the rest of the printed material - I would haven't even looked at the books - I would have just said "how much to roll that rack of books and dump it in my vehicle?" - well, I did get some off that rack, anyway!  so I guess I should look at it like that! 

Now of course I'm going to be with the change, living on (is this the change Obama promised me, cause that's how it's working for me!) but it's okay because I bought books!  Of course it wouldn't be so bad if the closing was Monday, but then the buyers had to send some appraiser in here and oh boy that's another story - guy's not worth salt, as my dear dad would have said! - another story there!

I am going to go READ!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

'The Grace of Penance'

Yesterday I hit a wall - with alot of things:  packing; "I've had it up to here with" I could fill several things in there... I slept (fitfully) ... when I got up, as I was awaiting the coffee, it dawned on me - "oh NO there are things not only behind the glass in the cabinet still to pack - there's the bottom, behind the double solid doors!"  - as much as it felt like an "oh no" groaner, it also felt - maybe? - led??? - nah, c'mon, c'mon!  I'm overworked, overstressed, overtired - oh, what's THIS?!

And so I found where some books had been stashed actually over a year ago (the stashing is another story, for another time) :  The Imitation of Christ (Thomas A Kempis) and The Imitation of Mary!!!

It was the latter I took to my table and began to (re) read ... and presently I came upon this sentence:

You can regain the grace of adoption which you threw away, for there is a second baptism:  the baptism of penance.

What immediately came to my mind, was this:  My father has died.  I'm making all the arrangements, running around like the proverbial headless chicken.  My daughter has completely fallen apart (niiiice, right?), so I'm trying to take care of her, too.  And - there's one more thing --

My father, of course, is going to be buried in a Catholic Mass.  Well, um -- in order for me to be able to receive Communion at said Mass, I need to go to Confession first.  

Except I'm time-crunched and overwhelmed and deadlined, and what this means is - oh Gaaad.  I'm going to have to do a face to face penance with a priest.  

I have a strong dislike for f2f.  Give me a dark booth and my knees complaining and the whisper of the window gate opening, any day!!!

I had no choice - not if I wanted to receive.

The Father was very gracious about it!  He literally offered me a choice of rooms in the rectory, a choice of seats - if I remember correctly, I could have even had a smoking cigarettes the two of us sinners, option!  In the end, I went with the dining room table and the doors closed and locked and signs on them.

And then came the really hard part:  I had to look this guy in the face (when I hesitated and hemed and hawed, he gently moved himself so it wasn't so head-on) and tell him what grave sin I had committed.

The Father was an amazing and gracious, God-filled, man +

I bring all of this back up for one reason:  okay, maybe two.  Sure, I'm overdue to go!  I think the larger intent, tho, is this one:  I was overwhelmed, overburdened, overgrieved - BUT I WAS NOT GOING TO GO WITHOUT A SACRAMENT, NO MATTER HOW HARD THAT WAS GOING TO BE ON ME!!!  Lessons remembered on this "it's still raining out?!" morning:

That was hard, but I did it.  A 'sober memory', as they call it - a 'hard memory'.  Hey, if I did that, mebbe I can do other hard things - like packing in this short timeframe ....

I wasn't missing out on something Sacred and Holy I needed in my life!  Lesson learned - won't the end of all of this rigermole be the holiness of going back home, after all???  

Yes, that cabinet drew me in, and I, Jeannee, thank the God of my understanding, for it +   JMJ 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Mob Wives didn't do it

Ahhh ... rough day - my Myndie's birthday today ... and then, you know, I tend to do this dumb thing when I'm already feeling pulled down - yeahhh, I went on someone's social networking page and got myself even more depressed ... c'mon, Jean!  pull yourself outta this!  OH, I KNOW!!!

After rooting around on several websites, I figured - Mob Wives is the ticket!  They sound like me and I'll see familiar places, too :)  

Only the Mob Wives didn't do it, and I'll tell you why --

Two wives had a problem with each other.  They got into a loud arguement ... that then became an "oh my God I'm the cameraman but I have to jump in here!" pushing, hair pulling, knock over furniture, actual physical FIGHT! ... but then, you know what happened, in the end?

As the kids say nowadays, they hugged it out.  

None of this shit - I'm going to ask you to move here to my hometown and promise you the moon and help you do everything you can to get here, and then leave you stranded.  I'm going to send threatening texts and act like I'm in jr. high when we've been friends for nineteen years and oh yeah I happen to be an ordained minister.  We've been friends for 13 years but you don't do as I think you should so X friend to you, bubs, via email.  We've been friends for 9 years or so I let you think so but really I had a hidden agenda - I was running a scam, it just took me longer to latch you in.  We've been what you thought was a good friend but all of a sudden I unFriended you on Facebook.  Or I've just frozen you out in other ways because my agenda changed and suddenly you looked awkward in the new one - not, of course, that I gave you an opportunity - or wouldn't even allow you in, even tho it looked like we were going to be famous friends, so when you extended an invitation and said - hey, let's go here and do this! - you said "oh Jean I think you would enjoy that - call me sometime to let me know how it was for you".  Or you just stopped being present - you were suddenly too busy doing, as the old saying goes, "doing God knows what, with God knows who, at the God knows when, hour".

Yeah, I do have friends.  But not like I did - not like my life was for many, many years - drinking or sober chick, disabled or working for a living - I always had friends - all different types.  But over the past few years ... and did I even mention the "I'll believe the lies this person is saying about you, rather than ask you directly, and stop being your friend even tho we were so close" people?! or the "well if you're not going to our church, then" ....

Oh yeahhh.

As with other things, it amazes me that this is my life!  It amazes me that I've actually gotten cautious and wary - and even further amazes me that, even with all of that, that I actually allowed a few new people in - and - in some instances - I've been hurt all over again.  

I'm starting to feel like what one friend said years ago about another mutual friend: that I'm walking around like Eeoyre!  In fact, after I moved here, I deliberately bought an Eeoyre t shirt and I did wear it often!

I need to find that shirt, man.

I also need to stay out of online places that'll just hit the hurt again.  And think about what's coming up - that, even if I don't have an address - I'm going back East!  I get to see grandsons! and diners! and real pizza! and the ocean! and go to my parents graves! and meetings!

And see people who are still my friends.

Favorites "tag"

I saw this on someone else's blog, and I decided to tag myself ;)  I'm just feeling pulled down in several different areas right now ... so something light like this is the ticket :)

1. Clothes Shop:  Hmmm.  I don't really clothes shop anymore (broke!) but I would have to say Roman's, Lane Bryant, Dots.
2. Furniture Shop: Interesting question!  I honestly don't think I have one.  I do know that after my encounter in Ashley furniture, tho, I'm not likely to shop there again ;- (there black trucks should have been a warning, hey?!)
 3. Sweet: La Bonbonniere bakery in my hometown!  "Over the counter", Entenmann's is a strong contender, but there are always Devil Dogs (sigh - back East - Devil Dogs again!)
4. City:  Cities, plural.  South Edison (hometown) ; Manasquan (summer hometown, altho I have a sneaking suspicion its changed so much, I may not recognize it ;- ); Harrisonburg, Va. is a strong contender.
5. Drink: See #11!
6. Music: Depends.  I do like jazz and country, for example, but more so from the times they were strong in my life - like - if you put this on the radio now, I more than likely wouldn't recognize who was singing!  I like alot of the music Delilah plays, how's that!   And  Christian.7. TV-Series:  I'm very strong on cop shows BUT not one where the cop is a buffoon or a real jerk.  I like classic tv (nostalgia bites).  And drama - someone else's for a change!
8. Film:  Current strong fave's are classic horror:  Them! (ask me why my mother hated when this was on, when I was growing up, lol!) ; Deadly Mantis
9. Workout:  My biggest workout is trying to figure out how to survive on Social In-Security ;)
10. Pastries: See #3
11. Coffee:See #5!  LOL  I like regular coffee - nothing tarted-up - light and sweet, a couple of ice cubes so I don't burn my tongue.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

It's beyond me why people do what they do

Ok.  So we became friends online.  There are some people who don't think a virtual friendship is a "real" friendship, just like they don't think virtual AA meetings, are 'real meetings'.

Trust me - they're real.

Now, sure, I know all about the con's and the sicko's online - I've met my share (want email addresses?!).  But you, my friend, weren't like that.  You were real!  I know that because I followed you through social networking.  I know that because I became friends with your friends.  And I know that because you were everything a friend should be and because you reached through the screen and sent me God's love through your own hands!

Then, one day, you just unfriended me.  You froze me out. 

And I have no friggin' idea WHY.

Sure, sometimes friendships end, and we get it. 

But this is in the category of - I don't get it, I don't like it, I hurt, and it's building up that wall inside me, where now I'm even more afraid to get to know anyone.

Aren't you glad you contributed a brick?!

Saturday is the 15th

Saturday is my Myndie Ruth's birthday.  She passed two July's ago, but you know, I still look for her -especially more so that her sister of the heart, CoCo, has taken a page from Myndie's book and has really gotten into a pattern of sleeping in the closet, under my clothes!

I miss Myndie dearly!!!  I was packing the other day and came across photos of her, and it just stomped all over my heart. 

I know my focus should be on my closing date, and letting the bank know, and yadda yadda ... but really all I can think of is my beloved doggy!  My heart is heavy with her.

You ask how I remember HER birthday, when I'm so vague on most birthdays?!  My childhood best friend - that was her birthday.  Is, actually, but the good Lord only knows where she is - last I heard, she decided for whatever reason to recycle herself back to being the bad girl she was in junior high school, after a longterm successful adulthood, both marriage and career wise.  Yeah, I miss her, too ...

... and I miss my childhood, and times when I could weather anything, really, because I had more behind me backing me up instead of tripping me up!

But most of all ... CoCo and I miss Myndie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

That "hour" is fast approaching .....

I was just sharing online in another venue that I'm trying to hold on to the faith that at the 11th hour God is going to pull through a miracle - give us a street address, a decent, safe, accessible, home that I can actually afford because it will be hung on my actual income and not a previously decided level of income according to the govt of what is "low-income" ....

I do believe.  I do have faith!  But

As I was eating my tuna fish sandwich breakfast, what also came up was the fear I have been fighting, the one I don't want to face:  if I say that the God of my understanding is with me, and said God shall provide me a decent home, where I can display things and have if not my couch than my bed in there and some kitchen items ...

... am I not also saying that this God is not 'for' those who are homeless???  Because, without a place to live, that's what CoCo and I are.

I know that my God will be with us if we are on the journey of homelessness AND

I don't want to be on that dammed journey of homelessness, thank you very much!!!  

That proverbial 11th hour is fast approaching

and I for one am holding on like that hanging strip you use to mount a picture, that rips the dammed wallpaper off when you try to remove it!!!

Crosses Vandalized, Pro-Lifers Pelted with Feces

Crosses Vandalized, Pro-Lifers Pelted with Feces

An extremely sad commentary on our times.

Friday, October 7, 2011

As the fellow blogger said - "OMG, got so much going on y’all!"

Excuse my lack of posting here!  My house has sold - fast, fast, fast, yes it has! - and I am literally in a sea of boxes - AND DUST!  Choking, cloying, making me cough and breathe funny, dust.  Had no idea that the house had gotten this bad - i.e. I was dusting the front of the bookshelves, didn't realize you actually need to pull the books off, shake out the pages, and scrub the whole shelf ;-  Anyway ... that's me, and where I've been.  I'll try to stay on as long as I can, of course, but eventually the computer will have to be wrapped up ....

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Tears for a missed birthday? or is it ... more than that???

I hate when things update themselves on the computer and you have no notice, and, worse, no say in it!  Facebook is the most sticky contender - but this new automatic Firefox download isn't too much better, either, taking away my "most visited" tab that I used alot, making the use of the computer as something much more labor-intensive - which isn't that the opposite of the way its supposed to be, ferchrissakes?!  Now - that FB updating - it too has made their website very confusing, hard to navigate and figure out - and I don't think I'm getting updates, either, like birthday notifications (it probably is, just in a place and in a way they haven't told me about and I would never think to look under or in there!) so when I did log on today I was upset to realize that it was a dear friends birthday!!!  Yes yes I'm infamous for not remembering birthdays - which is why I thought the FB notification of such was a measure of success - grr, FB!

 Alright ... that said ... reading about her birthday celebration made me cry ... the type of crying where I have to walk away from it all for a few minutes and have a good one.  You see, she went out to a very special dinner with six members of her family.

Now, as I said - this is a friend who many, many times over the years, we've connected in a way that she is 'a sister from another mother' -- so I know the bullet list :  not all of these family members seated there are like frosting on the pastry!  Yet here's the deal:  they showed up at the table to wish her Happy Birthday, didn't they?!

So at a time when I'm walking around bewildered as to how my life became the way it has turned out (didn't we put a big fat goose in the oven?  well, then - how come u r pulling out a cinnamon bun, ferchrissakes?!!) I'm also bewildered, and disease-angry, that certain family members have not stuck around, been present and accounted for, with me, left me high and dry, and that I not only spend birthdays by myself - I spend far, far too many days unnested.  

I suppose if I were much younger, and healthy, and could put on a happy beaming face, and were so inclined, I could go out there and find and create my own, new family ... but I'm too tired, too broken, too sad.
Tears, indeed! 

Friday, September 30, 2011

Bad dream & awakened bad (?) dream

I just had this dream where I was trying to sell a house that I was living in.  And it sold, it sold.  And just as I thought everything was finished, the two real estate agents came back ... they walked me outside and pointed out something that I had honestly forgotten all about, wrong with the property ; and they proceeded to yell at me, smack my hand, and then, tell me that the whole deal was off and so I was stuck here.

In the awakened, walking around, world, today my house sold.

There are alot of raw, unfinished edges here:  like where the hell I'm going to go, and how I plan to get a medically fragile doggy there ...some ideas are somewhat coming into shape:  good ideas on CoCo and how to get her in and out of the truck (I do have a doggy ramp, but she's afraid of it, honestly, so this would be how to acclimate her to it) ; varying thoughts on where to land from borrowed couches to an empty apartment in a friends building that I could maybe only afford to live in for a year - BUT I would be back home in NJ!!!  I just couldn't even begin to unpack and I just couldn't even begin to finally exhale, as far as the housing situation goes....

I got so stressed, so overwhelmed, I had to lay down and do some stress sleep.  On a night where its 48 degrees, and where I'm running a space heater in the kitchen, and have the windows mostly shut-up, and am wearing heavy clothes appropriate for this time of year. 

As well as appropriate for a house w/o central heating.

It's time to go.  It's been time to go!

Go, where?!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

My house

Boy, this house is a mess, huh!  ;-

It's actually reflective of several things:  I'm disabled.  I can't clean certain things AND I can't afford a housekeeper.  I'm a packrat, yes (which is pre-hoarder, I'll have you know! ;) ).  I'm a combination of "who the hell comes in here, anyway?!" and "what?! you don't pay my bills!  you have no opinion, then!".

I've also given up.

See, I'm a woman with a shit level - it gets beyond that, and I have to clean it up.

Except of course when I've given up. 

What a question!

So I was reading an older issue of More magazine ... and the editorial question was - "How do you feel about 50?"

I'm 48, and I honest to God don't know ...

But here's where it got a bit scary for me :  see, I had a friend named Wanda ... who set herself these outrageous! really - you, Wanda?! goals for turning 50:  she was going to go blonde and drive a red sports car!!!  Well ... between highlights and a trade-in on the vehicle she did have ... - !!!  Now, within 6 months, she admitted the car wasn't practical, and she traded it in - but that's not even the point:

The point is that she had goals for 50 and she reached them!!!

I don't have any.  And I can't even think where to start.

Slightly scary.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

My quote of the week!

"My life feels as if it is happening to me, as if I haven't been paying attention."  Carole Radziwill

Lexington KY Home Sale By Owner | - FSBO

Lexington KY Home Sale By Owner | - FSBO

I guess we're all getting out ... this is my neighbor across the street .....

If I feel alone, with a sense of feeling abandoned

"A HYMN TO PADRE PIO" Santo, Santo, Santo Padre Pio, Glory, glory, glory and praise to God. Santo, Santo, Santo Padre Pio, Glory, glory, glory and praise to God. If I feel alone, with a sense of feeling abandoned, I search for you along the way. Your suffering and your simplicity help me to continue singing, Santo, Santo, Santo Padre Pio, Glory, glory, glory and praise to God. Santo, Santo, Santo Padre Pio, Glory, glory, glory and praise to God. You stretch out your hands to those who ask your help. You warm our hearts with your goodness. With your caresses and your smile you bring such light upon us. Santo, Santo, Santo Padre Pio, Glory, glory, glory and praise to God. Santo, Santo, Santo Padre Pio, Glory, glory, glory and praise to God. I am here and you know why... I want to sing to you... Santo, Santo, Santo Padre Pio, Glory, glory, glory and praise to God. Glory, glory, glory and praise to God.

Friday, September 23, 2011

What is prayer?

"Prayer is not asking. Prayer is putting oneself in the hands of God, at 
his disposition, and listening to His voice in the depths of our hearts." 
-Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta (1910-1997) Memorial day September  5

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The raggedy edge: it's NOT jealousy

Yeahhh ... it happened to me - again!  ...

I was up in this nifty! blog .... and she had posted pictures of her birthday celebration.  With her husband.  And not even in their beautiful home ... but ... in a vacay spot that speaks to my heart just hearing the name of it, like whenever I hear the name "Stephanie" & I always, always think of my late mother ....

Even tho it's 86 degrees here today, I'll be seasonal and say this:  it frosts my pumpkins.

No, I'm not jealous.  REALLY.  What I am is - bewildered.  Wasn't this supposed to be the life I was going to grow up and have?!  Isn't this the nice life my parents tried to prepare me for, tho the world had changed so tremendously and sometimes they relied on things to help them that were as effective as unsharpened pencils on a test with bubbles to color in?! 

To put it in a Southern way ... it hurts my heart. 

I don't know how this didn't happen to me and - what's even harder than that! - is I don't know how to "fix it", so I get there - AND - I feel like I'm pretty much out of time to do that, anyway - with age, and poverty, and wariness, from being in all the wrong and the bad places, that stick to me now like a red bug in the Spanish moss in Savannah ....

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Sara Shepard's words are the perfect weight ....

Have you ever had a friend turn on you?  Just totally transform from someone you thought you knew into someone ... else?  I'm not talking your boyfriend from nursery school who grows up and gets gawky and ugly and zitty .... no, I'm talking about your soul mate.  The girl you know everything about.  who knows everything about you.  One day she turns around and is a completely different person.  ~ "Perfect:  A Pretty Little Liars Novel", by Sara Shepard 

Monday, September 19, 2011

A to Z of me!

A to Z of me!

I think this is soooo cool! I'm going to answer this myself!

A. AGE: 48

B. BED SIZE: Queen


D. DOGS: Love them!

E. ESSENTIAL START TO YOUR DAY: Coffee, cigarettes, usually some type of bread product.



H. HEIGHT: 5'8 but if I go to the chiropractor I'm 5'9 1/2!

I. INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: Nothing, but I dream .....

J. JOB TITLE: Writer. Blogger.

K. KIDS: Yes - and grands!

L. LIVE: In a state of upheaval! Seriously ... a sign is going on my lawn tomorrow. And I have no idea where next.

M. MOTHER’S NAME: Stephanie.

N. NICKNAMES: Many, many, many! I have one friend who calls me Bean - which I love because of Coffee Bean ;)


P. PET PEEVES: Screaming kids in stores ;-

Q. QUOTE FROM A MOVIE: I have too many favourites to pick just one!

R. RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: I am right handed!


T. TIME YOU WAKE UP: It really depends on the day.

U. UNDERWEAR: I wear it.

V. VEGETABLE YOU HATE: Broccoli - yep, me and that guy whose birthday I share ...

W. WHAT MAKES YOU RUN LATE: Not wanting to be where I'm going!

X. X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: Probably around 30!

Y. YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: Depends who you ask. I do love my tuna & noodle salad!


Frances 'suffered for her sanity' ...

First, preface :  I had a rough day, the bulk of which I'll talk about separately and at another time ... suffice it to say, with having just a little bit of money in my wallet, I set off on Five Guys reward (YUM!) and even tho it was major rain, I was right there by the bookseller I haven't been to in forever! and actually missed!  & I went in and roamed ... picking up little piles of books, taking them to chairs, reading them ...

The one I did purchase is "Jane Fonda:  Private Life of a Public Woman".  I am roughly still in her teenage years.  Now - I figured I knew the backstory :  her mother committed suicide, etc.

I didn't.

I was reading about the marriage of Henry and Frances Fonda and something seemed too much familiar - like seeing someone walk around in a shirt you donated to a thrift store, type of eerie familiar ... it wasn't until one of Frances' doctors was quoted as calling Henry Fonda a narcissist that the lightbulb came on --

My God.  I know what this woman lived. 

I got out, and, I didn't have children - dogs like children, and that was very dammed hard - but not children. 

Reading this has disturbed me.  I think of a woman I know, when I lived in Virginia, named Fonda because her mother had loved the whole celluloid Fonda image - she has a sister named Jane! and she almost had a brother named Peter! --

The reality doesn't often meet the creation.  Yet another reason why people should be very, VERY! cautious about naming their children after --- !

Excellent book! BUT this startling revelation is going to make me put it down and read something else for now.

Toilet Queue Starts Women's Day in Delhi Slums | Womens eNews

Toilet Queue Starts Women's Day in Delhi Slums | Womens eNews

Makes me very, very grateful for the things I do have ....

Girl’s survival, family’s fidelity make inspiring story

Girl’s survival, family’s fidelity make inspiring story

Incredible, incredible story - very faith-inspiring and hopeful! If this little girl and this family can survive all this ...

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Cypress Park woman scratches out a living as a chicken sitter

Cypress Park woman scratches out a living as a chicken sitter

I have a dear friend who is a pet sitter ... but ... I don't know if she would consider something like this !

Psalm 46: Obama Turns to Bible Passage for Comfort During 9/11 Memorial Speech

Psalm 46: Obama Turns to Bible Passage for Comfort During 9/11 Memorial Speech

Wow! Much, much impressed, Mr. President!!!

There is no real comfort in my morning - well, there is a space heater, and CoCo, and coffee that's not too stale ... CoCo has developed this thing where she doesn't want to go out in the backyard - so I have to leash her and walk her a little bit out front ... we were out there and this big-bodied, looked like a Boxer maybe mixed with pittie, came tearing over at her - I don't blame the lady - because (a) its not one of her two dogs so she must be dog sitting ? and (b) dogs can just get away from you! - but CoCo got scared and went to lay down, which, with her condition, she fell down, and I think possibly she hurt her back leg - the dog even startled me - it wasn't growling - it just had a menacing look on its face - and then when the lady did come tearing out after it, of course she called its name - which is Buster - which is a name I just didn't need to hear on a morning already so difficult, thank you ;-

Friday, September 16, 2011

Paul Gerald Crookshank Obituary: View Paul Crookshank's Obituary by St. Augustine Record

Paul Gerald Crookshank Obituary: View Paul Crookshank's Obituary by St. Augustine Record

There is an incredible story here, about a young man who loved the ocean ... It says in his obit : "Recently, Paul made a major positive change in his life. A message he had hoped to share with his friends and other young people is: If he could turn his life around, they could too. Life is too short. Don"t waste it do something about it get help. The week before his untimely death, Paul said he believed he was put on this earth to do something good. Hopefully, something good will come from this tragic loss." ... In doing a Google search on this man who was born the year I graduated high school, I found several DUI's - so he and I apparently shared a struggle, and, he was making headway.

Rest in peace and YES! indeed, may something good come out of such tragedy!

And this is why I read the obits ...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Karnes is his name ...

I just watched a 9-11 movie - the title itself is unimportant now (I'm sure you can easily find my review on Amazon) but what struck me is this "half-myth" story of the guy who literally got up from his life and rejoined the Marines that day, is actually TRUE.  I found articles at Slate:  if you google it (sorry, I can't cut and paste the link) the Wiki article will refer you to it, and, in addition, the article on Slate is also listed ...

This is the part of the movie, about this Staff Sgt. Karnes, that made me bawl the hardest - to where I actually had to pause, get up, do something else, and come back to it ...

See, when 9-11 happened, I was married to a former Marine, also ironically named Dave ... and trust me when I tell you, this idea didn't even remotely occur to him.  We went to church services ... and when they called for heavy socks for the workers at the Pentagon (we lived in Virginia) it was me who grabbed the 14 pair of heavy wool socks I had just recently purchased for myself at a yard sale, because my dammed feet are always so cold, and then I think he may have gone through his ...

I guess I shouldn't be surprised - not when I think about that time at Wal-Mart and that desperate prayer I made to God when my life was threatened, and the security guard literally hid behind a podium, and my husband - the man I married - the former Marine - dodged behind the shopping carts.  It was literally only God who saved me that day.  That's just part of another story ; I'm just interjecting it here to say "why didn't I figure?!"

I almost feel like I should go and apologize to my father, for marrying someone not like Staff Sgt. Karnes.

God Bless you Staff Sgt. Karnes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

"Personal Jesus"

Kevin is very enamored with setting ringtones on his phone; in fact, I think I can honestly say that he goes wild with finding out all the different things his phone can do ;)  He tells me what ringtones, what songs, he sets for when I call, and I often wince - Britney Spears, Kevin?!  C'mon, I know she's an exceptional part of your musical life, but to represent me?!  Please!

Well, he reset the ringtone (again) and this time - I had to laugh.  I don't laugh much in my life anymore, so I always appreciate one springing out of my landscape!  I laughed because it captures volumes about our relationship to each other, to where maybe the words should be framed ... or at least recorded on my blog ;)  I can't of course copy the exuberant, thumping beat, but here are the words from the Depeche Mode song:

Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who's there

Feeling unknown
And you're all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I'll make you a believer

Take second best
Put me to the test
Things on your chest
You need to confess
I will deliver
You know I'm a forgiver

Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

When being a dog mommy isn't easy ....

CoCo started developing these - symptoms - yesterday:  the best way I can describe it is what you would see in the eyes of someone who is reading something, especially if they are reading really quickly - well, her eyes are doing that just about all the time.  I re-checked online for symptoms of "doggy stroke" ... altho that specific eye 'dance'  isn't listed, the listing to one side and having an unsteady gait, are ;(

I can't lift her.  She is able to move around, going outside and all of that ... but there's no way I could get her to step up in an SUV!  My biggest fear - that she would get deathly ill and I wouldn't have the money to provide care - isn't here, thank you God! but - how to do so?  Call the animal clinic I found for Myndie, who came out to do a pickup on that fateful day? 

Even tho she's smiling, not in any pain, and drinking water, is that what CoCo's eyes are telling me - that her time is at hand??? 

I'm not ready!  I love her so, so much!!!!!!

Right now, her beautiful eyes are closed, and she's napping ... but I'll surely be watching when she lifts her head and looks around again - does the world look like its in motion, precious CoCo?

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Mental Health

Mental Health

I think this young woman is very brave - AND she's very informative! So even tho we don't share any dx's, I am posting this to my blog (a little earlier than midnight - my blog went quite for the Memorial - I just didn't want to lose this!) because it's a good thing!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Wounded diner aids others in Nev. shooting –

Wounded diner aids others in Nev. shooting –

The quote that I like best from this, that simply makes me grateful we have the freedom to bear arms, and honestly, considering the downward dog slope of the world today, makes me fervently wish that more places that concealed carry permits allowable: "I filled out all of the paperwork to carry a (concealed) weapon all the time because I really believe in that," Carrick said. "But a bit of finances got in my way before I could go to the sheriff's office to pay for the permit. Otherwise, he (the gunman) would have been dead sooner."

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Obama's speech

Coming home from the store just now, I needed something on the radio - I don't always drive with it on, but right now I was a little tired from having gone into two stores and I need to hear some voices ... I should have flipped to the Christian station, but they can be - odd - at this hour of the night - sometimes you get some alternative health 'preacher man' -- plus, ok, it was already on NPR and so that was just easier to press 'on'.

Oh - the President is speaking.  He's at the podium.  Sure, okay, let me hear what he has to say ...

Good thing I was already in my development, and there weren't the usual choking of parked cars, either, on the road I was on, when he made his statement about people who can't wait 14 months for the next election to bring about some magic change - they need it NOW.

I took my hands off the wheel, and I applauded.

And I cried.

I can't say I'm a Mr. Obama supporter, necessarily - he's done some things that make me question him being swept into office on emotionalism and symbolism.  But every once in a while, he does something that makes me want to stand up and SHOUT!

Well sitting behind the wheel of an SUV, I couldn't exactly do THAT ;)  But I could, and I did!, applaud ... and cry.

Because I'm a people who can't wait ... who lives check to check and who feels like she's a losing gambler here.

Well-said, Mr. O!  Err ... whose your speechwriter?


When I was doing a fast shop in Aldi's just a little while ago - I was fine in the store, emotionally.  I was centered on seeing what they had to offer and what I could with their selections, and - I was fine.

It happened as soon as I walked in the house and talked to CoCo.

"CoCo!  I got us stuff to make stew - yeah, honey - STEW!"

And - as she wagged and smiled, in happy anticipation of the crockpot smells wafting through the house, with the promise of a delicious dinner - I -- well, I burst into tears.

I'm a little hard-pressed right now to recall when the last time it was that I could afford to make a stew.  Sure, ok - we've had a hot! summer, and you don't want stew then!  But I surely didn't make it prior to that ... no, not for a long while - possibly as long as a year, maybe better?

Because stew ingredients cost $ I just don't have.  With food stamps being $16 a month, I'm lucky I can drive away from the store with coffee and Parmesian cheese!

I started to cry - my tears partially generated by being in such a sorry state, partially generated by that I can afford to make stew again - in gratitude.

Thanks, Daddy!!!

Unpleasant encounter

Just now I went out to the front of my house to retrieve my mail- a very ordinary errand!  Maybe I'm just feeling so overwhelmed, so 'ringspun', that this bothers me enough to blog about it, but, hey - isn't that partially why I started a blog in the first place?! ...

A couple was just coming around the block walking a mini Schnauzer, as I hit my kerbside mailbox ... now, I'll be honest:  I've never met a Schnauzer that wasn't snappish - and here was my exception!  :)  The doggy and I had a wonderful! encounter, in which I rubbed him and he sniffed me - in a polite way, and, in no personal parts.  And I laughed about it - "yes, I know!  I smell like a dog AND I ate something good!"

So you're sitting here looking head-on with a serious expression on your face and saying, "what's so unpleasant about THAT, Jeannee?!"

The woman laughed, this wonderful, feminine, giggly, I love my dog and I love to walk my dog and I love my doggy to encounter other people who love doggys, laugh.  The guy went right into surly, issuing commands as if the mini-Schnauzer should be in a boot camp, ferchrissakes, and not do what doggys do, which is --

Wag.  Smile.  Sniff.  Kiss.

Yeah, believe me - give me a few minutes and I could even find the Scripture that talks about how in the last days people will have no natural affection (as well as a whole laundry list of other evils).  That's the intellectual///spiritual side of me ...


Dream expose

I was sleeping, and I started to dream ... its this nice neighborhood I've only seen in my dreams, I've had repeating dreams in my life, that then come true, so I'm never alarmed to dream of this place again! ...

But then the dream started to change - it became a nightmare.  Things changed very quickly and it started to cycle from a nice story, into a nightmare story --


Didn't happen.  Usually when I yell at myself in a dream and "order a mandatory evacuation", it happens:  I wake up.

Didn't happen.

The dream continued where the nightmare part ended BUT THEN I was running around trying to tell people what happened and - no one listened.  No one wanted to believe me.  AND THEN I WOKE UP.

I had toppled into fibromyalgia rain pain and was one big groggy girl, besides ... the type of morning where I could really use a helping hand to pull me out of bed ... and ... when I do manage to get up, I have to hold on to walls to walk, because of the aftereffects of such overwhelming dreaming ... so I'm sitting at the table, sucking down coffee, going WTF?! was THAT?!

It didn't so much as dawn on me - I should say - it bore down :

Kentucky:  Supposed to be a nice neighborhood.  Becomes a nightmare!  And the part about no one listening to me?  Ah - that's from last night!  As informative as the three real estate agents were, DID ANYONE HEAR ME SAY THAT I AM A DISABLED WOMAN ON HER OWN HERE?!!!  GIVE ME A BREAK - HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO PACK UP A THREE BED HOUSE + GARAGE IN TWO WEEKS?!!!

I wasn't heard.

My dreams take specific requests from my life.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Get the other antenni! He's helpless without them!

On a day like today, I think one of the best things I can do to calm myself down, is to watch a treasure:  "THEM!" from 1954, which I rented on Amazon.  I've watched it so often, I have the lines memorized.  I watched it as a kid - always promising myself that when I got to be a grown-up woman, I would go to a seamstress and have those style of heirloom women's suits made - sigh, something else that never got done. 

I was just crying at the part where the little Ellison girl is shocked back to reality - it reminded me of what I used to do as a kid when the movie was on tv:  I would run screaming out of my bedroom, "THEM!  THEM!"  My mother always went pale, but quickly regained herself - "that movie's on AGAIN?!"  ;)

A different class ...

September 7th:  29 years ago today, I was a very young woman, and I was in St. Peters Hospital in New Brunswick, NJ, and - I had my daughter, Brianne Lee.  In fact, by this time - 9:32 pm - I was most likely dozing after a labor that ended by 3 in the afternoon and visitors that walked in as I lay in my hospital bed and smoked cigarettes (because you could do that THEN) and/or conversing with my roommate, whose daughter's name was Siohban Zerlina Botsford - honey, if you're reading this, I'd like to take a look at how YOUR 29 years have gone since that day :)

Always a hard day for me, with the estrangement from my daughter - its sharp, this day ... and then the things that went on today - well, the evening would have been hard on ANY day, but falling on today - yeesh - maybe I should have r/s! 

Its a different class of problems I have today - a different life, too, one I could not have even begun to imagine when I was in that new Mommy honeymoon phase in the hospital room overlooking the vo-tech ...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Dream cycle ...?!

For this writer, the words "dream cycle" generally can indicate a wreck - the type where someone is sadly standing on the sidelines saying something quoteable like "it's nothing something you want to see - it's really tragic!"

A dream cycle, for me, is when I start to experience - just about every single time I fall asleep into a deep enough sleep - an intense dream - slash nightmare. This is how I got into reading and researching on dream analysis in the first place, as a screaming teenager who woke up her family - only to have them find her still sound asleep! -- as someone who got so scared to fall asleep (and this was in the days prior when to someone with vision into this type of world put out the first Freddy Krueger movie, where the girl is afraid to fall asleep - I just didn't have the hidden coffee!) that I would either stay up all night AND/OR go to bed late and have my father promise to wake me up when he left for work at 5.30 a.m. (being how he didn't even work in the same neighborhood, let alone the same county!), because the hour or so I had left, before I needed to get up for school, would usually be ok ...

I've just now awakened from the second intense dream slash nightmare, the second deep sleep I've had, and I'm pretty sure I heard the footsteps of a dream cycle ... The circumstances are all there:  I'm extremely stressed and frightened about something in my near immediate future ; I was able to fall into a deep enough sleep where my mind could take all the various images and thoughts and seriously send a message ... and, possibly, something more that I've realized since I've aged, I'm having some distinct pain:  we have had a rainy, near fall chilly, Labor Day (rain pain!) WITH weather like this being forecasted for ALL WEEK ;-

I came on to my blog to reduce the force of the dream cycle (and possibly prevent it from continuing to spiral out of control) by writing about it ... and I was also prepared to talk about tonight's "isn't that special?!" ... but you know what???  Nah.  I'm just trying to land on the side of the eyes opened.

Maybe later.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Perfect Storm > to Subway

So, just now, I was in Wal-Mart, getting a few necessary items to tide us over until I get to do a "big shop" .... and I lost all stamina.  I'm not talking - gee, Jean, you should have gotten a scooter and if you couldn't find one fully charged up, maybe brought a dog along to pull it for ya ;)  I'm talking - I don't think I can go another step.

I dragged my body - and I do mean dragged - down the opposite end, to Subway - got my usual sandwich and soda, sat down at the first available table that had actually been wiped down, and about halfway through eating I realized what had happened to me:  I had hit a perfect storm.

(1)  It is 100 degrees, give or take, today.  Yeahhh, we have the dog days of August, in September, because maybe the weather didn't change its calenders, either ;)  I am so heat-sensitive - let me give you an example:  I asked an online friend living in the same weather how she can stand to wear suede booties out, and she said - a/c house - car - store.  For ME, if I wore the same shoes, just walking to the vehicle, my feet would literally feel like I was coal-walking ;-

(2)  Allergies.  The allergies are so severe that I looked up congestive heart failure the other day, cross-checked it, and realized - its allergies.  I'm talking glue in the nose.  The doctor too talks - she says I should be on allergy meds all year round.  Can't afford it, so I do without.  Without being able to take good, deep breaths ...

(3)  Pre-diabetes.  What scares me with this is I don't always get hungry - I just lose energy and/or feel like I can't think straight.  If I was hungry, I would say - "Oh, food, me please, now!" - but not feeling hungry, I don't automatically associate it with a blood sugar drop.

(4)  Good ol' cfs.  Which comes with fibro fog.  Which when the blood sugar dips, it sends that straight off the floor.

A perfect storm.  After eating I was alert enough to go home, but there was no way I wanted to stop and pump gas!  So I pulled in the driveway and my "low fuel" light dinged on.  Sorry, GMC Envoy!  We'll just have to pray our way to the gas station once I can peek my head out and see if the storm has passed!!!

Tara Mitchell: Surviving the Storm

Tara Mitchell: Surviving the Storm

The photogenic Ms. Mitchell has a superb story, one that I especially need to be reminded of and to hear right now, about everyone that was in a Wendy's restaurant hiding out in a restroom during a tornado that hit Yazoo City in 2010 - how the power of inspired prayer kept everyone in that restroom just fine, the 'lounge' (as my father would say) completely intact, even tho the rest of Wendy's was completely destroyed - there are pictures, and you almost can't even tell it was once a place where people dined! Definitely recommend this video as a GIANT faith and prayer booster!

An extraordinary question ...

Late on Friday night, having a few extra dollars in my pocket for a change (pun intended!), I decided to go just a couple of miles (or so) outside this development to the Waffle House ...

Now, anyone who has ever eaten at a Waffle or Huddle House knows that the waffles are literally plate-sized - what they would call back East a Belgian Waffle ...

Of all the Houses I've eaten in, all over the South, tonight the waitress asked me a question I've never been asked before - which was -

"Do you want a knife?"

I stared at her.  I honest to God couldn't believe this question, and I think the look on my face must have been about the same astonishment as if I had looked up at the video screen and seen wilding teens in the back of the restaurant ;-  "Yes," I replied, "yes, please."

Well don't you see what the challenge was???  The forks were washed and through the system already - the knives weren't.  Gaad.  I actually made her wash a fork!  For the life of me!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Brian's picture

I have a picture of Brian, down the shore, goofing around///looking cool, in a biker's hat and a Harley t shirt ... it was probably right around the time that his long downward spiral into drugs and alcohol, started.  We lost him before he even turned 30.  

I didn't understand what his rage and his pain towards the outside world was about, not until my Mom decided to fill me in one day, and I can clearly remember just reeling at the nightmarish experiences he had suffered as a young boy - he and his three brothers - that eventually channeled themselves to his self-destructive ways.  I tried to get him to God ... I prayed he would get into recovery ... failing that, I think maybe the best thing I could do, would be to tell his story - but I won't do it here, not in this type of forum.  It would have to be written up as a fictional account, because his three brothers, as far as I know, are still around.  But it should be told.  To honor the friend I had since I was a little girl and to honor the man he might have been, after all ....

I swore I would do the right thing ...

The next six pages have Brianne pic's :  most of them are of my daughter as a baby (my baby is going to be 29 years old!), with a few of them in her elementary school age days ...

When I was pregnant with her, and then after she was born, I swore that I would absolutely do the right thing by her :  I would raise her right.  The criticism from her father (who was already abusive to me by then) began and the fact that we lived with his family, didn't help matters ... when the split came and I went back to my parents house, I was unfortunately in a position where my parents were as overwhelmed by the whole early marriage and why the divorce happened, situation, that they couldn't be too much support beyond roof over my head and boxes of diapers - altho Dad really tried, walking the floors with her when she was teething, handing me a five or a ten with his free hand as he did so, telling me, "Here!  Go to the diner!  You can't handle this !"

I swore that I would raise her the right way, but I was just so lost myself, and I couldn't see the forest for the trees - I couldn't see what was right in front of me ... looking back, do I think I should have had an abortion?  NO.  I think to be very gut-right honest I should have adopted her to a family who could do more than swear - who actually had two parents (and not one abusing and doing everything wrong to the other he possibly could dream of) that could provide this for her.  Then maybe she would have had a real chance ... ok, I understand genetics, and I get it that she'd still be bipolar from her father - but maybe just maybe if she had more of the way that I know a child should be brought up - maybe it wouldn't have hit her so hard and maybe, even more than that -- maybe she would have taken care of it, been around supportive people, not people who would give her a thousand and one ways to live out her illness.

Maybe what I swore, would have been more like a prayer, and come true.

Civil War Battlefield pic

So in this picture my Dad is leaning on a Civil War camera and I'm all of maybe 10 or 11 years old, and because its a cannon, like a big gun, get it, I'm "shooting" at the photographer (most likely my mother) with my fingers - get it, ha, ha!

Actually I want to talk about this picture ... My parents wouldn't have known this particular phrase, but in today's parlance, they were giving me a low-tech way to see history, to see what I was learning about in school:  packing the car up and we would drive there on vacation.  When I see how many parents today use electronic things like Wii to connect with their children - well to be honest - it turns my stomach.  I'm NOT talking about a parent who is disabled - I'm talking about an able-bodied parent who can figure out a map (they're online now, you know!), has a vehicle, and can see on the school calender when the kiddies are free - ahead of time, so you can arrange with your boss to have the time free.  Trust me!  It'll make the BEST memories!!!

The other two pictures on this page, interestingly enough, because I wasn't thinking of this when I put them in there!, fall into that low-tech category:  there is me sitting outside reading a book ; and then there is a Halloween parade picture - I was a gypsy that year, and - my mother made my costume.  She sewed it, then, she put her makeup on me and her jewelry (loved that part, especially!).  I distinctly remember having alot of flack from the other kids about it, and I think even then I recognized what it was:  jealousy. 

I wish I still had that costume!!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Mom and Dad picture

Ah!  They are all dressed up and going out somewhere:  Mom is looking 70s fashionable in a maxi dress with a solid white top and black patterned skirt, and Dad has on a suit jacket and a tie.

You know ... when Mom went out with Dad, she could pretty much count on the fact that he wasn't going to drink so much he would throw up, act immature, or do anything illegal.  That he would be the charming guy everyone wanted to invite to their parties.  That he could talk to anyone about anything (and boy oh boy do I have a story about that, lol, from a 90s wedding Dad and I attended together!) and so he never was someone you would bring to a party and have to babysit, is what I'm saying.

Really, they should clone him for today!

A day when you're feeling like - well - white trash ....


Not one of my better days:  its the end of the month, and I'm counting down the days, as well as the change!, until check day.  I just feel like - well - white trash - standing in front of the dog food aisle in the supermarket and realizing they no longer have the big cans 4 for $3, so that means I have to buy a case at nearly ten bucks, ergo - what am I going to go without?  gas?  milk (okay -non-dairy creamer, to be real) and coffee that's not stale? smoke less cigarettes, despite all the stress I'm under - maybe I should start biting my nails again, as that relieves stress too but hey that's free!?  not buy any extra food even if I wanted to, like the 99 cent purple package of two burritos which I shouldn't be eating anyway thank you ?!  and let's not even talk about the bills I can't pay that are banging at my door - I'm just talking about the bare eking it out stuff until check day.  Hell's bells, Martha, I already have the 88 cent value brand toilet paper (see previous post) so I'm okay THERE! 


Pictures continued///emotional

On the bottom of this particular photographic page are some very out of focus pictures taken down the shore ... in at least one, I'm sitting in a chair and I'm hugging Buffy, the doggy we had then, and that does my heart good to see such a shot! ...

Maybe it was because of the pictures, but I was thinking last night, which was Saturday night, back to Saturday night in Manasquan when I was a kid:  we walked over to St. Denis for Mass ... then, I would walk home a different way, stopping at the corner store - the one that had a soda fountain - it was on the corner by the Coast Guard building -  and usually I would have a chocolate malted, paying with the limited change in my pocket I was given for such a Saturday night treat - before going the block back to the house .. and I was thinking of this last night because there are no weekly treats in my life anymore:  in fact, life is dammed hard, getting dammed harder, and I'm getting really tired of just slogging through, trying to find a straw strand of happiness to grasp on to, to make the days a little bit more palatable to take! ...

Tough times, part 2

And when I was talking to Kevin yesterday, he specifically asked what I was going to do for September 6th. 

I was taken aback:  my daughter's birthday is the 7th, and Kevin is a savant with anything having to do with numbers, and so he would never, EVER forget a birthday, and I said this, and he repeated what he said about September 6th.

I figured I was either dealing with a diabetic glitch OR he was sending me something in the mail that he figured would arrive on the Tuesday that is September 6th ....

In today's mail I received a notice that I have to go to have my need for food stamps reviewed - this big, official document.  $16 a month ain't much, but with the price of coffee and parmesian cheese, I'll take it!  The date of my review?  The date that they scheduled me for, that I didn't know about until today?


Is that Twilight Zone music I hear coming out of my calender for that date?!