Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Piers, rides, and several homes destroyed in Seaside Heights | Video | 7online

Piers, rides, and several homes destroyed in Seaside Heights | Video | 7online

*&^%$! Sandy &^%$#!

The nearest I've come to panic attacks and overwhelming feelings, have been seeing the pictures (and some videos), of the destruction caused by Hurricane Sandy, to where I've actually had to take my "emergency" medication (thank you Dr.!) ... yet at the same time, it's not like I don't want people to not post it on my Facebook wall - I need to know what happened !!!

I have a couple of thoughts on this - one came about 1/2 day into looking at the news (1) and one came earlier, while I was out walking CoCo (2) :

(1) If I would get in my vehicle and see it in person -do a "touch-and-feel", I would be screaming, crying, gasping for air, falling to my knees upset YES -- BUT -- I would get it out and over with...

(2) Seeing pictures of known places @ the Jersey Shore that are now broken, link me to a younger time and place, when no matter what happened to me, what I did, what was done to me, I always had the security of my parents (most especially DAD ) behind me - so I could never fall off the high wire.  I tried to have that w/ David, and seeing photos of places we drove in the Outer Banks, remind me of how I tried very desperately to have that ... but didn't ... and I let it go on and on and tried and tried to make it work, partially because I wanted to recreate that security ...  And now - with my parents gone, my marriage long ago in embers, and essentially having an estranged family -- will I ever again feel such security this side of heaven?!  What if I don't, and I live another 40 years, or longer -- will I have to live every single day feeling like this place is 'inhospitable to life' because I don't have that security anywhere in my life -  

even tho I do have social connections, thank you God!!!   Q & A for my friends that read this -- do you have this security???  if you don't -- how do you go on day after day ?!!

I've found out that I can actually make-do without a dishwasher and a microwave ("mod cons") -- but with feeling like I'm flying without a net - whoooooooo ....!!!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The blessing in the battery

Yesterday, I was supposed to have an appointment w/ a doctor

and I walked out and

dead battery

I kept telling myself that this wasn't actually quite so bad:  I had gotten stuck in front of my own apartment; it moved me off my "yeah I have to get around to that" needing to renew my triple A; and maybe the biggest piece of all for me in this was that every time the panic came back up, I kept reminding myself, "at least you have the money for a new battery and you're not stuck here!!!"

So, ok - Triple A came out here .... and the guy said it wouldn't even jump start (yeah, I saw that - right outside my apartment and all like that) and I needed a new battery ... alright, pal, and how much is that going to run me??? ...


My vehicle is a 2004

I purchased it from a used car dealer circa 2009

I not only drove around Lexington, Kentucky ... I drove from Lexington to NJ and back (800 miles) and then drove Lexington to Virginia (half that distance) and then last holiday season I drove Virginia to NJ & (of course) now I drive around Virginia ...

And the year is 2012

The guy - when he went to replace the old battery - he was a little taken aback


So that battery had even more blessing in it, than I realized!!!!  THANK YOU, LORD +

Sunday, October 14, 2012

It's All About Purple: Life At The Jersey Shore...

It's All About Purple: Life At The Jersey Shore...: it's pretty amazing you know, living at the Jersey Shore.   A twenty minute drive, brings me here,   to Long Branch, New Jersey...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

@ Community Services Board

Yesterday I went in to the local CSB affiliate, to have my intake for counseling appointment ...

Now, let me say something right here:  I am a person who has been in therapy off and on since I was 16 years old (and had some really excellent therapists who talked to me like I actually had a brain); I have discussed therapy-type issues with a number of friends since that time; and I've read extensively in the field.  I'm not talking so much pop psychology - I'm talking non-fiction books, even medical journals (and naturally websites).  I've even read the diagnosing manual!  And I've been in enough 12-step meetings (since 1988) where I've certainly heard just about everything under the sun in this category (a marriage counselor who can't stay sober AND who has a rocky marriage, for example ...). 

So I know what I've got going on ... and I know w/ my anxiety disorder, I'm in what they call an avoidant stage, where I simply avoid as much as I can, to quell the anxiety.

I did not care for it when the intake therapist called it (twice!) procrastination!  Such a word smacks of someone who is lazy, and that's another word that just makes my skin crawl!

I didn't correct him because (a) he seemed like he was having enough of his own problems there (another story, that one) and (b) to be honest - I don't see myself getting "real therapy" there - which actually is fine with me!  I'm too emotionally exhausted w/ no trust to be dredging up my life again - and - by going to there group therapy sessions, it shall keep me on meds - which is what I really NEED

to become less AVOIDANT.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

An October w/ the a/c on ...

I just now went to post a news article and realized that an awful lot of my blogging lately has been sharing from other sources - and while I'm very happy to have an avenue to share what I feel is important, I realized too I haven't shared a personal update in a while, so, here goes :

I am still dealing with things that have changed - or haven't - to whit --

Thank you God for the antibiotics!!!  Almost all of the infection in my mouth is gone!!!  However - it still pinches a little; I still have to find a dentist to do the extraction (AND live through that); and now I have a riproaring female infection (despite yogurt + probiotics).

Thank you God for my other meds!!! I'm already finding I'm not getting as stuck in the sadness over not being able to turn around to someone who lives in the same house and loves me, and/or actual family, and/or being able to pick up the phone or walk down the hall & say "Daddy!" when something goes wrong.  I suppose that's a good thing, not being stuck in an overwhelming emotion ... BUT it DOESN'T change those facts & bring any changes into my life, either.  This whole dental distress thing REALLY reinforced for me (once again) how it's me and my beloved CoCo and that's it, folks.

Thank you God for what I still (somehow) manage to have remaining in my life!!!

Same thing should have happened w/ my Tampa Airport incident

Customs officer sentenced 33 months after groping women at MIA

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

At The Picket Fence: Ten Commandments for every blogger...

At The Picket Fence: Ten Commandments for every blogger...: Lately I've been thinking about what makes a successful blogger...and, by successful I'm not talking financial success, or populari...