Friday, August 31, 2012

This one hits home, too much

Let me preface this by saying that EVERY shooting hurts my heart, as they say down South, and I do pray for the poor people ...

... but some just hit closer to home

I just happened to catch a blurb while researching another news story :  a shooting in a Pathmark in Old Bridge, NJ!!!! ;-  More than likely there'll be at least one article blogged, but let me tell you why I'm so upset here and crying my eyes out:

I know this area.  It wasn't my regular haunt, no, but I've been in and around that area, surely.

Pathmark???  Know it very well! Still have (somewhere) my Pathmark courtesy card.

A tragedy at a Pathmark brings up the Gail Schoeller (spelling) death kidnapped from a Piscataway Pathmark, at least 15, 20 years ago now, which had ripple effects on my own life ...

Overnight, 24 hour supermarket - honey, that's one of my favorite times to go shopping, ever.

Two killed were kids with lots of promise and there whole lives clean and full of promise, right in front of them.  One, Bryan Breen, was a WRITER.  And he was still young enough to believe he was going to make it big as a writer.  And maybe he would have, too!

And this shooter?  One of the quotes from a friend was that he just wasn't right since his mother died five years ago ... man, I hesitate to say that about my beloved father, too, because my complicated and prolonged grieving DOES NOT manifest itself like Terrence Tyler's! but in a small way I understand ...

God have mercy on us all +

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Today's sadness brought to u by Bic

Bic Retractable Velocity Gel in Medium Black, to be exact here

It's not at all my usual pen (a G2, bold) but (a) I was out of a good pen and (b) I didn't have it in me to drive to Wal Mart (cannot find a G2, bold here) and (c) I was in the Lion King, walking right past the school supplies, saw this, ok! give it a go!

No go

Got it home and - the tips are all - mushy!  Its like some guy in a forklift hefting the boxes crushed this one (except the package is intact ... hmm) ... anyway - 6.99!  you bet I'm returning these babies!

In fact I made it part of my truncated errands today, returning them and

The clerk shook her head.  And showed me that they have this invisible teeny tiny CAPS on the covers that you have to pick off with your fingernails!!!

Returned home w/ pens

Returned home sighing and - oh no here comes the sadness wave.

Because things are changing far too rapidly all over the place and I have absolutely no say in it, no ability to affect it change it alter it stop it

There was a big write-up in our paper on how they need poll clerks -especially for the area I live in!  Hmm... I did this for oh maybe 10 years, a little better, once, twice a year, whenever there was an election, back in Jersey ... so I have prior knowledge AND hey! the pay is even better than it used to be!

But it bunks up against why I haven't voted in a long time (ironic thing for a former poll clerk to say, right?!)

Because I feel irrelevant, invisible   that things change and I have absolutely no say in it, no ability to affect it change it alter it stop it

And I used to be an idealistic I CAN change the world! kid

A looong time ago

Why LOVE is making me cry (& its not what u think!)

I was just reading our local paper ...

Now, I live in Virginia, and of course the iconic slogan that has been around for years for this state is "Virginia is For Lovers" <3   To that end, the state of Virginia apparently has this HUGE Love sculpture that travels around the state and "rests" in various places ...

It is coming to my city at the tail end of November.

LOVE will be sitting in front of my town hall (a converted Victorian, with the police station, such as it is, in the  back - hey! this is a SMALL TOWN ;) ) and I read that, I read the date, and I burst into tears ;(

Because I love this little town!  I love that people wave, know, recognize me & CoCo.  I love how even tho it is small there is enough political hijincks going on that I can still get all riled-up ;)  I love how - even in this inexpensive little apt that CoCo and I live in - I open my front door and right there - rightthere! - are the mountains, in all there glory!!!  I love my apt (ok, I'd make a few changes if I could, but basically - I love it!) which is (of course!) right in this town that I love <3

But my lease is up on November 30th.

And I really can't afford it another year.

And I may just have to move - even might have to leave this town.

So to see LOVE, in a place that I love, that I might have to leave -- well, honey, this just breaks my heart.

I'm trying not to cry ... trying to think that I may just figure out a way to do it at least for another year, because then

Then LOVE wouldn't be so bittersweet.

Monday, August 27, 2012

From 2010 ... w/ today's perspective

I happened upon a piece of writing I did a couple of years back ... and I could hear in my words the real rawness of the anger I walk around with every dammed day - anger that has no justice to it, because there is no resolution, so it spits itself inward and becomes depression.  I also hear my bewilderment..  But I also think that mebbe this when it really, REALLY started to "defrost" and it all spilled out.
Well last night when I was sitting here I did it again:  I have TONS of photographs and alot of them are ones my father took on his vacations, the years after my mother died, before he got so sick.  Now, the ones of lighthouses and scenic wonders and specific things like that he took for me - those, I'm keeping ...

... but there are also alot of pictures of shirttail relatives and his friends.

If he's in the picture, I've saved it.  Sometimes I've just cut him out! lol! 

But he was a real camera bug, you know.  So a little at a time I'm weeding things out.  When I toss these people I put them in the recycling bucket - I don't know if old photos can be recycled!  I'm thinking "yes" because they're paper.  If not, well - they'll have fun looking at them at the recycling center, lol!

The ones that hurt the most are the ones of M and her whole family, that really incorporated my Dad into thier family after my mother died, because the end of that story is :  they ripped him off financially when he got dementia ... and when I came in to take care of him, they went after me - partially jealousy, mostly "let's create a diversion so maybe she won't go through the cancelled checks or question why her electric bill is so high".

Of course the worst part about something like that happening is that it makes me very - suspicious.  In general.  In toto.  You have that go on, and friends turn against you, and when you realize how much of that was based on people being jealous of you - you just about don't want to open up to anyone, ya know?!

Anyway, this particular box is a little lighter now.  And I guess I could use prayers so I could be a little lighter, too - of remembered pain.

Alcohol reshapes a family

Alcohol reshapes a family

Sixteen seconds left ...

Neil Armstrong and the Landing of the “Eagle”

Sunday, August 26, 2012

House Tour of Marilyn Monroe and Hollywood Collector Greg Schreiner

"Do you think you can love us?"

Episcopal Church of All Saints, Indianapolis: A Letter from Mother Suzanne Wille: The letter below from Mother Suzanne Wille, who will soon be joining us as our rector, was sent to the all people on the All Saints mailing...

What are angels??? R09_0004.MP3

From the dirty mags war days ...

I remember, back in the 80s especially, there was this religious movement - actually sort of ecumenical - to get the dirty mags out of convenience stores, including the ones behind the counters ... and it was known that if  the store owner was born American, it was a good chance at that some point in his life, he had been churched, and you could appeal to its sense of God ; but if they were foreigners - it would be pretty hard to appeal to anything, really ... one line of thought was that they were so focused on the  bottom profit line, it superseded whatever they might believe in; and a darker line of thought was that there so-called 'faith' didn't prohibit such grossness ....

There was a reason I was thinking of that today.

The only place I can find my cigarettes - well, there are two places, actually:  the Wal-Mart; and then this tobacco store - both down the highway in the next town ...Wal-Mart I have a few problems with - I get in there and say oh! I need this and that and the other thing, and walk myself exhausted; plus, they have a habit of selling stale cigs ... besides which, the Arab gentlemen who run the tobacco store are very friendly and they remember me, and I always go for personal service if I can :)

Now, the college students are back, increasing foot traffic in all types of stores, including the tobacco shop ... so I was not surprised to go in there today and find it quite crowded... Now, I'm not an ignorant woman: I recognize that what are on the shelves are alot of what we used to call "head shop sales", and that an awful lot of flavored cigars are sold individually or in small packs to be made blunts out of ...

So I go in there, its crowded, and I politely stand in the aisle, waiting.

And the Arab gentleman behind the counter does something surprising - "M'am?" he is waving almost frantically at me.  "Come, come!  I wait on you, first!"

Now, my initial thought was - sure, sure, regular customer here ... but as I got to the counter, I saw his face and

He was embarrassed.  Not about me, but with his darting eyes looking at the young, waiting customers and back to me - he was embarrassed about the other clientele and what they were thinking of doing, with their purchases.  Me, I'm going to develop more and more health problems with a legal product; them? - they're tapping into the drug culture.

And all of a sudden ... I thought back to the dirty mags war days.  I suddenly had new information:  that maybe people who are resistant do, after all!, have a strong conscience and a feeling about it -- but are kind of stuck under that low ceiling of trying to make a living - selling what the market demands ...

I also thought of something from that tv show "The Wire" - was I the only customer in there, with eyes of a citizen???

Friday, August 24, 2012

Brandon J Raub is free!

When I picked up the newspaper this morning at my favorite, local convenience store, and saw the headline news, I was relieved and very, very grateful !  BRANDON, YOU ARE FREE - THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, SON, YOU ARE FREE !!!!!

Brandon got 'in trouble' as it was, with what he had posted on Facebook.  Now, the other day, I had posted on Facebook a little fact I had come across:  that if Facebook were a country, it would be the 3d most populated country in the entire world!

And one where its citizens, apparently, are more monitored than they even realized.

Brandon's case is twofold troubling to this blogger; allow me to speak to the first issue that concerns me, at least:

Post 9-11, there were emails that came into my email box from friends about - shall we say -alternative theories of what had happened.  I turned around in my chair and discussed them f2f w/ others.  I also forwarded them to informed friends, just to add another piece of insight to my knowledge.  In addition, I read books, and received literature from, religious organizations that were along the same lines of thought.  I read my Scriptures about them.  I may even have watched videos online (as an avid video watcher, its a good guess that I did) specifically pertaining to these "off-the-wall" lines of thought. 


Until Brandon J Raub reminded me otherwise.

Welcome home, Brandon, and thank God you are HOME!  and

-- this shouldn't have happened.  But it has.  And I'm, quite honestly, scared - more scared than I was when I pulled my tired body out of bed this morning.

Thank God, at least, you shall be sleeping in your own bed ...

"You must have Good Friday, before you have Easter" + JMJ

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Robert Blake and myself

I was reading what my father used to call "dirt sheets" ;)  and there was a little piece in there about whatever the hell happened to Robert Blake that we all know is guilty as hell but he got off?!

I was relieved that his daughter w/ Bonnie is in very good and capable hands!  (Thats a whole story, which I'll leave to the National Enquirer, page 26, to tell ya!)  At the end, about Robert Blake himself, it said:

"Blake is living a sad and lonely existence, spending the majority of the time in his small Los Angeles apartment ... or sipping coffee, alone ..."  (National Enquirer)

A few pages past that is the story about another once-famous living out his "sad last days" ...

Now, there is a very human part of me (especially in the case of the aforementioned Mr. Blake) that says -"Good!  So you still, basically, got a jail cell!" but there's another part of me in this, too --

Especially as my life has evolved over the past half-dozen years, my world has more and more and MORE resembled these type of people ... which I just don't get!  I didn't kill anyone and get away with it; I didn't actually do much of anything, really - except make some stupid choices, and having a propensity for being a  victim --

And I hesitate to say that.  Except in my own blog, where I feel I have the most freedom of expression.  Because I don't want to hear one person say that I'm playing the victim ; that I'm a martyr; anything like that.  Because some really awful things did happen to me, and in some cases, are still happening to me, and people are just - gone.  Not everyone, no.  But enough for it to be noticeable.  Enough for it to create big changes. 

Enough to create a Robert Blake life.

Emails, phone calls, letters in the mail, my faith, and CoCo, are things that keep me from going completely over the cliff here.

But know this:

I'm kinda sorta having the same life as these guys you read about in the "dirt sheets".

My mom & James Schwartz

I was reading a back issue of Preservation magazine, which is the publication of the National Trust for Historic Preservation.  The Editor's Note, from a James Schwartz, revealed various historical places he had traveled to as a child.  Here is a quote:

"When I think back on it, one person deserves all the credit:  Mom.  My mother had a passion for history that she probably inherited from her mother."

I smiled, because how different our mothers were - yet we both had historical sites in our childhoods!

My mother and my father were children of the Great Depression; my mother, especially, had lived through a long season of terrible trial in her teenage years that was beyond belief ... When I was raised, it was in the 60s and 70s, and my parents lives had transformed to the dreams they had growing up:  a comfortable middle-class existence ...

... and that included going to places "Jeannee, you're studying about this in school!"  I didn't realize it at that time, of course, being young, but for my parents, it was getting to know the country that they never had an opportunity to growing up - and how terrific is that :)

As they approached there senior years, there was one particular (male) friend of my parents that especially had one irritating trait, as far as my mother was concerned:  when they would attend kids parties at various venues for holidays, this very grown adult male couldn't wait until the clowns and the Santa and etc. came out - he was more excited than the kids, sometimes!

"He's living out the childhood he never had himself," the guys wife said to my mother one time.

"Thats not the way to relive childhood," my mother snapped back.

Now, I get that, I get that .... and I suspect James Schwartz might, as well.

12-24 years old - Jeffrey Cole, Digital Center director

For me, reading this, its an even more frightening, strange new world, than I already realized ;-

They will never read a newspaper.

They will never own a landline (and possibly not a watch).

They will not watch tv on someone else's schedule.

They trust unknown peers more than experts.  They have little interest in the source of information.

They access everything on mobile devices.

They think email is for there parents.

What is especially meaningful are people sharing the stuff of their lives - their fleeting "likes", their ratings, their small talk, etc. 

An Enchanted Cottage: Comfort food for the soul...

An Enchanted Cottage: Comfort food for the soul...: I seem to have a growing collection of little mid-century Catholic statues and figurines. I grew up in a Catholic family and att...

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

A Cautionary Tale in this video (see my comments)

It’s like saying, ‘If I had my way, you’d be dead right now.’


And, in addition to that ... before you go on thinking (like I have) that TV detective Olivia Benson has done a good job, maybe you'd like to measure her up against some real-life persons in her situation:

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I misunderstood: who the hell wants community?!

In the last town I lived in, when I was still in a mental place of trying to make it work,  trying to find a niche for me, I happened upon (in a church bulletin) that there was a women's prayer group, and immediately I thought - this is IT!

Because my thought was about community: that we would get together f2f and pray +

Then I found out it wasn't f2f, but a telephone tree deal: this one calls that one, and - when you're that one - you call the next one. 

Ok, sure - different kind of community!

Well any time I ever got a call, it was some harried woman (and not just one - I heard from several like this) who couldn't even say hello, who just barked out prayer requests and couldn't even make a "nice weather we're having" conversation ... and then came the time when I went to call the next person, and I got a 12 year old playing Junior G.I., who refused to give her mother the phone because I didn't play Suspect to her Detective.

And that, finished THAT.

So I was blog surfing a while back now and I found a link to read the Bible in 90 days.  I wasn't especially interested in having the Bible on a timeline (what, it gets a 90 day piece at the end?) but as I am interested in the Bible, I clicked on to see more and --

Hey, wow!  You join this group to do this, see ... and you're put into a specific email group of a number of people ...and so you do this all together - you know - like a community :) 

I liked this idea!  I not only signed up, but I told others about it, too.

The Welcome emails started.  So I contributed one myself.  Hi!  I am ...

Then it was dawning on me that several women had mentioned starting the readings and - hmm.  I haven't seen them in my email ...?  Well, I'll just email the leader of the group ...

Apparently, the 90 day plan is on a website.  It actually looks like a bookmark.  Each day is given some Scriptures to read. 


So you're referring me to a bookmarker that I could easily pick up at my local Family Christian Store?

And then once a week we're all supposed to email each other and say we are on schedule, or we're not on schedule?

AND THIS IS A COMMUNITY?!  Am I missing something here?!  Please, someone tell me if I'm missing something!  Because this is something I can do completely on my own time ...

Without pretending there is a community I'll interact with.

Questions 8/21

These are questions I tagged myself on to from Salazar's blog (14 Shades of Grey).  I, in turn, tag all of my followers ...

 How do you feel about e-books? I 100% agree with Salazar of 14 Shades of Grey: "I'm too much of a traditionalist to prefer them over normal books (you can never get that new book/old book smell from a Kindle...)",
 Why did you decide to create your blog? Is that still your intent or has it changed? People had been suggesting it for a while, in order to catalog my Dad stories ... as you can tell, it has really and truly evolved, to become an online journal!
 What is your Girl Scout cookie of choice? Only one?!  Alright ... the peanut butter ones ... but, wait, there are the shortbread ones, too ...
Tell me about your mode of transportation in life. 2004 GMC Envoy
If you could travel back in time, when/where would you go?  Oh, very simple, as this is a question I live out every day of my life:  I would like to go back to maybe being 7 or 8 or 10 and know just a little bit of what I know now, so I make very different choices!!!
  Favorite era in fashion?  40s-early 60s
  What was the first movie you saw in the theater? Did you love it, hate it? I'm sure it wasn't the first, first ... my mother used to be able to buy discount movie matinee tickets @ Walbaum's Supermarket.  I remember Voyage to the Middle of the Earth - I'm paraphrasing, sorry, can't remember the exact title.  It was very 60s futuristic!
To quote Garden State, is there any normal kid thing you kinda wish you missed (chicken pox, braces, etc.)?  Being bullied.
  Who is your favorite author?  Just one?!!!  Ann Rule.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Celtic Prayer

"Lord, Save"

From the storms of the night
From dark ocean's wave
From the billowing crest
From the watery grave
Save us, Lord, save.

From tempests that roar
From the hurricane's rave
From the rock-strewn shore
From things that deprave
Save us, Lord, save.

CoCo (and mine, too) - a new food yum!

This is a post written completely, totally from my own fingers (and heart and tummy, lol!).  I'm getting no compensation from the company   

So I saw these doggy cookies online (somewhere ... maybe as a promo in an email?) that BOTH humans and dogs can eat!  Really!  This is NOT apparently like the time my friend Danny got bored when I was having a phone call and picked up a Milkbone and had a snack ;)  The bags literally have a tag on them that say "The treat you BOTH can eat!" and even have a picture of a pug and owner each with their own ;)

So when they arrived, I opened them up and ... well, at first, I wasn't sure.  They were pretty hard little nuggets: in fact, I had to dip mine in my coffee to soften it up.  It wasn't bad; but I was "hmmm" about giving it to CoCo:  we share teeth 'issues' - at 15, she's generally not up for anything harder than a Pupparoni.  The harder biscuits she does eat, are the ones that are minscule for people who have pocketbook dogs, and she licks them to death first.  These were bigger than that, and as I said - they seemed on the harder side.  Hmmm ... I wondered if I would be having alot of coffee snacks!


Oh my God!  COCO IS IN LOVE!!!  Literally!  I have never seen her find a snack beyond the aforementioned Pupparoni's that she'll come over and nudge me for, and make a little piggy out of herself over - until these Little Eatz!!!  And they've done something else, too --

Between her age and having had her sister of the heart go over the Rainbow Bridge a few summers ago now, CoCo is 'all played out', pretty much ... she'll sleep with rather than wrestle, her stuffed bears; she'll scratch up the bathroom rug, sure, but that's more of a stress reliever ... 


Like with most snacks, I casually tossed a few on her bed in the living room ... well, I'm sitting here at the computer and I hear her snorting - what's she snorting about?! - OH MY GOD SHE"S PLAYING WITH THEM!  She's burying them under her blanket, finding them, rolling them on the tip of her nose!  Hey, if I had video capability, I'd include one - its too adorable and you'd never know her age!  And THEN, after playing w/ them - "gotcha!" crunch ;)

So I'm watching the stash here, making sure they don't get too low <3

Friday, August 17, 2012

Thank you, Mennonites!

Let me preface this by repeating that I absolutely love! this area I live in!  When I didn't live here, I made it a pitstop while traveling; and (obviously!) I've moved back!  But --

I'm renting an apt.  Which I do like!  Its just that it still is one of my top five regrets that I ever sold that house I had in a nearby town.  It would have made life so much easier - on me, on my doggys, on my finances, on my future - if I had just held on to it and done what I originally planned to --

And some days (ok ... more days than I care to count)  I just feel like an idiot for selling it (especially with all the circumstances around the how, why, when, and what the hell happened ;0 ).  I know all about psycho 'babble' enough to know you're not supposed to call yourself an idiot, but you know what?

I'm calling it like it is here, folks ....

So today I had to go into that town for some errands (not all were done, but that's another story...).  It was one of these days where I was feeling like an idiot for not having that house and I didn't dare drive down that street, because I knew I would be a blubbering mess (as it was, just driving by --) --

I did manage to at least get a bag of donations to a thrift store ... in fact, as I was driving up 33, I said to myself, "Why don't you take that to the Mennonite Gift and Thrift?  They have a nice store, and there is an excellent coffee shop right there, too!" so, I did that ... and that's why I say


Because, even tho I feel like an idiot, and as I've almost always been a heart on her sleeve don't teach her poker gal, I'm sure my face projected THIS WOMAN IS AN IDIOT -- the Mennonites at the counter looked me in the eyes, were sweet, smiled, and talked to me like I was a decent human being who hadn't made some colossal mistakes in her life.


A Shooting and Media Silence |

A Shooting and Media Silence | FrontPage Magazine

 I may not agree with everything the writer says -that's true with some things I post, which I go ahead and post because there are things that I do strongly agree with and in fact seeing them in print is like they read my mind! 

I have to agree wholeheartedly with what the writer here expressed :  "As of this writing, some hours later, it is not on the front page of the Los Angeles Times. It isn’t on the front page of the New York Times. It’s nowhere to be found.   Now, imagine that an enraged Christian man had entered the headquarters of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation wielding a backpack full of ammunition. Imagine he began shouting about the sin of same-sex marriage. Imagine he’d shot a guard.  
Is there any doubt it would have made the front page of every newspaper in the country?"

There is also this person talked about in this article -who IS this jamoka?!  "When Dan Savage screams at Christian kids who don’t want to listen to him slander the Bible, that’s bullying; it’s bullying, too, when he slanders Rick Santorum or tells Herman Cain to perform oral sex on him. But he’s still invited to the White House."

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Boy tries to boost spirits of Olympians

Boy tries to boost spirits of Olympians | The Chronicle Herald

He included with his letter a Timbits soccer medal that he won a few years ago. A spokeswoman for Tim Hortons said the company will give him another medal, as well as a bicycle.

Laundry Girl///Cost-Effective Lunch

Well, I finally got to the laundromat.  FINALLY.  I only picked a day where it went back to heatwave temps, which I didn't realize before I left (it was at least 9 degrees hotter than the weather channel said it was - I'm really mad at them!  They're usually so accurate and that's why I check their website often, and - based on there misinformation - I went out thinking it was not so bad, and, wound-up heatsick ;- ) - be that as it may, here are my two laundromat stories of the day:

As I was loading the washer, a mother was done and trying to get out the back door w/ her completed laundry and her maybe 3 year old daughter ... who was fine - happy happy, day w/ Mommy :)  Now, our laundromat is pretty much cheek-by-jowl with, and on the same street level as, the train tracks ... which Southern Pacific and other freight carriers make frequent use of.  Well, all of a sudden, one roared through - you can feel the vibrations in the buildings (like the laundromat), they're LOUD, and THEN they blow the whistle constantly as they cross Main St.  Well, the little girl had a meltdown - she started screaming, 'I DON'T LIKE IT HERE ANYMORE!!!  I WANNNNA GO HOOOOME!!!!'  -- Much identification with you, kid:  altho the train doesn't (usually) bother me, when I'm overwhelmed and frightened - I just want to go to my safe place, too .....<3

While it was washing, I went over to Ray's Diner (across the tracks, other side) and had what is a cost-effective lunch BECAUSE (drum roll please!) - yes, folks, they had baked tenderloin today!  That's a two for one lunch :)  I eat the sides, the roll, and drink a drink, and Miss CoCo gets her most favorite thing in the world! she puts her paw in the container and when she's done, she chomps on her paw ;)  Thanks, ladies of Ray's!!!


My beloved Dad's name was Arthur Waseck.  He was from the NJ-NY area, of Polish descent ...He was married to my mom, Stephanie, and together they had one daughter.  Prior to being married, as a young guy, he was a guy who liked to shoot the dice on the gritty street corners; by the time I knew him ;), his biggest gambling output was the lottery....

Just now, doing a Google search, you won't believe what I found!  Its so - weird!!!

Name: Artur Wasek
Born: 1975
Birthplace: Poland
Lives in: Poland
Artur  Wasek photo
Wasek has been playing poker since 2007. His biggest online success was coming fifth place in the PokerStars Sunday Warm-up for $37,000. His best live result was winning a tournament in Warsaw for $10,000.

Wasek bought in direct to EPT Berlin, winning his entry fee in cash games at Spielbank Berlin casino over the road on Monday night. This was his fourth EPT but first cash.

He is working in the Wasek Family Building Company Ltd and is married with Barbara and has a daughter named Zuzanna.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

And then there's the anchorwoman ...

Big changes for Georgia food stamp program

The anchorperson on this report is a pretty young woman with the name of - are you ready? - Jessica KISS

Please, tell me the ending!

It was toward the tail end of the 80s ... and I went to work at this one particular company that I could write many, many blog posts about!  Let's start with the supervisor I started with - Sue ...

Sue was one of these people that I just met and clicked with instantly!  We shared alot of things in common: when you come to work, you work, and, you dress for work, not a club; literature/reading/English things ... Sue was the one who 'got me' so well that for my birthday, she gave me a book of e.e. cummings poetry :)

Now, Sue was married to Bob.  Whenever she would talk about Bob, it honestly wasn't much.  It might be something like "Bob called" - very insignificant like that - but when she did mention him, it was with a look of distaste.  There was no picture on her desk.  I actually had to ask her several times to bring in photos from there wedding - as close as we were, all of a sudden, to ask this, was like I was asking for her to donate a kidney.

You could tell this wasn't going to good, here ...

Slowly, as we worked together and got closer, she started to confide things :  it wasn't too good and she was just grateful there weren't children involved.  Altho there was a house - they did have that.  He would make grand promises he couldn't keep that hurt her heart.  One specific one I recall was around a supposed trip to Disneyland and then he pulled the rug out from under her.

And then came the day she developed a bad toothache ... that led to a marital scandal.

Sue was the woman who consistently ate lunch at her desk and never took the time.  I'd look across at my librarian-looking friend and actually feel guilty for leaving!  ... Well, she came down with this tooth deal ... if I recall correctly, the dentist could fit her in late that afternoon and, as she wasn't feeling well, she decided to just leave now, go home and rest until ...

Bob was working in a corporate something or other.  It was a desk job.  So she was quite surprised when she pulled in the driveway and there was his car - was he sick, too?!  In the days before cell  phones, these things happened like this!


Sue was hurt, and angry, and confused, and every negative stripe of emotion.  She was in the horns of a popular song back then - should I stay now, or should I go???  Having been there myself, we talked long.

She cried alot.

Bob blamed his corporate job - even tho he made a good salary and had just received a promotion, he blamed the job.  So he quit and took something simpler that was supposed to make him happy and thus of course he would be faithful.

I pointed out that one of the immediate problems with this was that they would be short on their mortgage, ergo, wouldn't Sue have to drop out of college and get a second job, and wouldn't Bob be really happy then, as he was threatened by her going to college!  Sue gasped but she did see my point, indeed.

And then, unable to make a decision, she made a weird flipped out Sue decision that I understood.

She didn't tell me.  No, this one, I had to catch her in.

I really wasn't trying to.  I really didn't think anything was going on.  She fell into an affair with the guy in the warehouse that - well today you would say 'he might go shoot up someplace, that one'.

She was embarrassed.  She was striking back, and I got that.  I'd been there too (and would again) ...

And then she did something even more weird:  she decided - you know what?  Bob has to grow up!  I'm going to quit my job - to force him back into a real job!  I'm going to become a full-time student!

I was just - speechless.  I could see this blowing up nine ways from Sunday - losing the house, not having a dime in her pocket when he did decide to up and leave her ... and, and - I was losing my best friend here!  My best friend at work!

Sue hugged me and cried too and assured me that (a) really, she KNEW this jackass was going to leave. she was already looking into displaced homemaker programs, financial assistance, and lawyers.  (b) she just wanted to be in a better position with the courts because he would leave.

I didn't think we would completely fall out of touch, but it happened ... less than a year later, someone from the job said to me, "Hey Jean when you go to that bookstore you like so much in x strip mall, stop into that supermarket - Sue is front end manager."

That didn't make any sense whatsoever, because that was her 'old' grocery store, in her 'old' neighborhood, by her 'old' house.  Now - I'm a curious sort, but you know what?

I just couldn't go in there.  I knew there was a reasonable story - sure, Bob HAD left, and she was just waiting on all this financial aid stuff to come in, and as she had been a very good manager, they hired her in a NJ minute!  But - I don't know - I just couldn't go in there.

I was just now having a case of "whatever happened to?" which nearly always gets me upset MUST STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF JEAN MUST STOP and I looked her up and --

She's still living in that house.

She's still married to him.


I don't know what's got me MORE gabberflustered:  that they're still together ... or that she was a literary foreshadowing of intense best friends who cut and run and don't tell you how it all turned out.


Friday, August 10, 2012

Why I'm Not in my Childhood Home

I'm disabled, on a fixed income ... and yeahhh that means I really kiss the poverty line.  I make well under $10,000 a year.  I'm counting what actually hits the bank - not what's on paper and then they make deductions for health care.

My childhood home?  Why would you sell your childhood home, Jean?!

Taxes: $7,113

The biggest option I had for holding on to it was to rent out the two bedrooms, which could use the hall bath exclusively, and which were connected, actually, so I could do a mom and kiddy (s) deal.  Let's see what type of rent I could possibly generate for this, based on Craigslist, that would match what I had:

 One unfurnished large bedroom and share bathroom (rent $685)
>> Central Air & Central Heat.
>> Plenty of closet space
>> Living room ,  kitchen, refrigerator, range/oven, dishwasher.
>> Safe area with plenty parking spaces.
>> Conveniently located near NJ turnpike, rt.287, rt.1, rt.18, .

$765/month + half utilities and security deposit required.
-- Place has washer and dryer, central AC/heat.

$750  I am looking for a roommate to rent out a room in a large  ranch house.  All utilities and amenities included  Must be clean and responsible.

$750 month : Rent includes all the utilities. Private Bed-Room is big enough to share between two people and rent will be differnt if two people will share the room. Easy commute t any major highways. Quit neighborhood and a huge back yard for summer outdoor activities. House has a dinning room, laundry room (dryer and washer included) and also a kitchen. plenty of storage

Large room share bath and storage with one .  Rent 750.00 per month

Large room,  full bathroom next to bedroom Room is cable/internet ready, A/C with lots of light, Access to kitchen, yard  as well as washer and dryer can be discussed. Ideal for professional, grad student, or even airline industry workers who need a place when in town. MUST be pet/dog friendly. $800 includes utilities

So, on paper at least, I could have swung the taxes - not the utilities, not the upkeep, not the oh my God something ELSE broke now! - with about ten months rent IF I had a consistent tenant ... but that's not the least of it --

At that time, I had just tossed my daughter out on her ear - for bringing drugs into a sober house.  Sneaking them.  And alcohol.  This is after the hookup guy who brought cockroaches in his backpack (another story, that one) ... 

So - if a relative did that to me - why would I want to rent to a complete stranger?!  "Stranger Danger" ;-

And so I sold.  

And so I am a nomad.

Hero boy, 4, dies after saving 3-year-old girl in pool

Hero boy, 4, dies after saving 3-year-old girl in pool

National Book Lovers Day…

National Book Lovers Day…

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Weds 8/8/2012

Outside my window:  It actually wouldn't be realistic to say this small town rolls its sidewalks up at night - there is steady truck traffic for manufacturing and chicken plants, as well as the 2d and 3d shift workers who fill them.  But it is quiet, and thankfully streetlit, as there doesn't seem to be a moon tonight.
Around the house:  Without dear Miss CoCo sleeping on the side of my desk, I truly would have an empty nest.
What I’ve been writing: Wrote 2 letters to my friend Hilary and they went in the mail earlier - we've had such personalized communication since the beginning of the 90s <3

In my thoughts:  Too many things bubbling like my Aunt Mary's percolator, that should be down on paper under the "what I've been writing" category.
In my plans:  Far too many overdue things.
In thanksgiving: See 'around the house'.  Also, a composite of various foodstuffs that keep my blood sugar from crashing dangerously. That - even tho I'm sitting here with a bunch of anxiety and sadness (the usual suspects for me, my 'constant companions' that are more stalkers than friends) - I'm not sitting here with a necklace bomb waiting to die! (i.e. it could be far worse, Jean)
In my prayers: Far too many are overdue here, as well.
A favorite thing: Coffee that isn't stale!
Food for thought: I'm actually out of any "gems" right now - maybe leave one in the comments??? 

Monday, August 6, 2012

Burial of 9 Children

Why journal? Why blog?

We sometimes forget that the everyday world around us now quickly becomes altered by time. People and experiences now very common to us become unfamiliar in just a short time. People whom we think will be our close friends forever move away, and we lose contact. Relatives, now important in our lives, die. Old buildings are replaced by new structures. Kids’ games, teenage social customs, family daily activities, Church activities, and styles in dress and music change. So do our personal concerns, interests, tastes, abilities, and goals. WE CHANGE. Scene by scene, therefore, our lives should be reflected in our journal as fully and as accurately as possible.” 
(William G. Hartley, “Diary and Journal Ideas,” New Era, Mar. 1977, 39)

Family of Pam Kinamore Re-Visit Where She was Found -

Family of Pam Kinamore Re-Visit Where She was Found - WAFB 9 News Baton Rouge, Louisiana News, Weather, Sports

Jim Shannon asks Marino, "Is this hard for you to come over here?" She answers, "It's not as hard as the cemetery. The cemetery is so final. Realizing she's not here, it's hard to let go."

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Lt. Ryan Timoney awarded Purple Heart |

Lt. Ryan Timoney awarded Purple Heart |

Let's not only keep him in prayer, but his girlfriend who continues to stand right by his side, as well as his entire family!

A Fan-tastic Sister of the Heart!

And I call my late, beloved Myndie Ruth that, because if the ceiling fan was shut off - even when the a/c was on and even sometimes in the dead of winter - she would stare upwards at it, then look at me and let out a pitiful cry !  She was partially Border Collie, and they are very, very intelligent doggys!!!

CoCo has kind of been 'lost' since our Myndie left us - she has been having her own saudade, I imagine so ... but I gotta say this:  that just about everything CoCo knows, she knows because her sister of the heart taught her so, in there years together ... and sometimes I'm acutely aware of that!  like now --

I've had severe *dental distress* over the past few days ... CoCo obviously recalls the nursing her sister did and she has been attentive and very, very understanding - when Mommy can't take a 'real walk' ; when there were no Pupparoni's in the house, nor was I physically able to go out and get some (this'll tell you something: if you read my Facebook update, you'll see that I did get to the store BUT ran out of gas at the bread and had to quit shopping early (so I would have enough stamina to check out and drive home) - BUT - there were already Pupparoni's in my shopping cart :)  ) ....

Thank God for CoCo!  I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through this, without her!!!  I am grateful for everyone of her hummingbird kisses and her Margaret answering Leo McGarry's summons looks!

And I am very grateful to Myndie, too <3 to you both!!!

Something worse than death ....

Wedding photo becomes memorial for Kan. soldier

I always say that death isn't the worst thing (especially if you know where you're going!) - suffering is.  This man endured more than 100 surgeries before he died?!  God, have mercy +

If you Google there names, you can find there video, her Facebook and Caring Bridge pages ... such a story about love and endurance <3!!!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Aurora - excellent insight from a new-to-me blogger


Update in the name of this blog

I was watching a tv show in which a woman mentioned a word that is used in Brazil that she described as 'sadness at happy memories' ... I was intrigued, as people in Brazil speak Portuguese, and my late, beloved godmother was Portuguese, so - I looked it up.  And what the ever-popular Wikipedia told me (sorry, all my encyclopedias are in storage) - well, see for yourself.  Know me, know the updated name for my blog:

Saudade (European Portuguese: [sɐwˈðaðɨ], Brazilian Portuguese: [sawˈdadi] or [sawˈdadʒi], Galician: [sawˈðaðe]; plural saudades)[1] is a unique Galician-Portuguese word that has no immediate translation in English. Saudade describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. It's related to the feelings of longing, yearning.
Saudade has been described as a "...vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future."[2] A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing. It may also be translated as a deep longing or yearning for something that does not exist or is unattainable.
Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone (e.g., one's children, parents, sibling, grandparents, friends, pets) or something (e.g., places, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past) should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. In Portuguese, 'tenho saudades tuas', translates as 'I have saudades of you' meaning 'I miss you', but carries a much stronger tone. In fact, one can have 'saudades' of someone whom one is with, but have some feeling of loss towards the past or the future.
In Brazil, the day of saudade is officially celebrated on January 30

Calling blogger "Big Girl. Small Budget. Tiny Town. "

I was sitting here thinking about my favorite plus-sized bloggers and realized I hadn't heard from her in a long time ... which, I thought was me:  when my email gets too full, I move it to another folder ...

So I checked that folder and saw my last blog post in my email was from last January (!) and when I clicked on the link I found out,

She's renamed her blog.

It's opened only to invited readers.

I'm confused!  Why did you do this?  Did you let us know and I just happened to miss it because my email was as swollen as my dammed gums from trying to eat a day-old bagel yesterday that was being sold as "fresh"?!  Are you posting like you did in your former blog?  Can I get an invite?

Why I don't drive an "econo-box"

In fact, I drive one of the most dreaded things of all, if you follow environmental news and etc:  I drive an SUV.  What my late, beloved Dad always called a 'van'.

There is a very big reason I drive something like this that I never see when all the debates go back and forth on these big ol' "vans", and that's this:

I have general anxiety disorder.  Ergo, driving an SUV puts me at least even w/ the trucks and gives me a feeling of physical safety that corresponds to psychological safety and thus in driving such vehicles almost exclusively since 1995 (with a few exceptions, and those were always - umm - interesting!) makes driving at all but especially on highways, very doable!

HOVENSA donates equipment to schools and nonprofits -

HOVENSA donates equipment to schools and nonprofits - News - Virgin Islands Daily News

Thursday, August 2, 2012

A new term for me: "educational neglect,"

Truancy a lingering problem, with jail a last resort  |

"See the past days were rough."

I was cleaning an old box and happened upon a candid snapshot of me that was taken in 2001 - eleven years ago now ... there were several things that struck me about said picture, but there was one in particular:

I was letting loose with a belly laugh !

It was a genuine leaning backwards, mouth open exposing my missing teeth on both back sides, eyes in sideways parentheses, belly laugh ;)~~ 

And here's what struck me :

I have to actually sit and think when I laughed like that, last time.  I'm suspecting it was probably around Christmas, or very shortly therefore, so - 7 months ago.  I do smile just about every day (I still have Miss CoCo!), but feel so bubbly about something that I burst?! 

I know this is a rarity because when I do let loose, CoCo runs over and checks me, its so rare for her Mommy to make such a noise anymore.  And that's saying something, too, because that picture (according to the date stamp) was taken in 2001 : my father was quite sick, and the world cleved with the attacks on American soil,

and yet, I laughed like that.

I couldn't listen anymore to a 'Danger0us Person'

Besides tv, there is an avenue that I watch, and have for several years now:  YouTube videos.  I especially favor the so-called beauty community, but I also like poets, book reviewers, et al.

So just now I was looking for whats new in my current subscriptions and I saw one from a young woman to whom I am subbed, whose screen name has always been funny to me:  Danger0us Person - simply because she's anything but!  She's a sweet young woman living with some wonderful, bouncy doggys, en famille, and going to school ... anyway, her video was entitled "Why I Haven't Made YouTube Videos".

Yes!  Please tell us!  I've missed you!

She didn't even get into it until 2:28 - she whined and carried on about her hair, which was pretty much as shallow as it was unlike her.  And then she started, and it was about how she has no desire to make videos (there's truth) because 'the community has gotten too serious' (I doubt that), and at that point, I clicked off ....

In every video she has made over the past period of time, there is a link to her boyfriends band.  And therein lies the REAL story:  she's gotten all wrapped up in a guy, and she doesn't want to make the time for her hobby of making videos anymore.  And maybe she actually did say that in the video, but between the whining for over two minutes and already telling an untruth to the camera, I just couldn't get there.

Someone famous once wrote that it was sad when people change and they don't tell each other ... in my experience, its sad when people change, period, but its even worse when they give you some hooey about it;  its actually insulting, thinking you can't read context clues, between the lines, and etc. 

It takes a fun, sideline, non-Danger0us, hobby/distraction, and makes it anything but that.

It makes you feel like you're losing yet another friend.  I hope someday you can really come  back, Danger0us Person - we really miss you!  (And P.S. has anyone in your f2f life said this?!)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Well, fatso, you can wear the makeup!

I recently wrote to HaulerDeals about there sizes ... tell me if my title on this blog post isn't appropriate - let's just call it a more 'Jersey Girl' answer to there nicely-worded email reply:

Your HaulerDeals support request has been updated.

Loren, Style Consultant, Aug 01 09:12 (PDT): Thank you for contacting HaulerDeals! We appreciate your inquiry.
The largest size we carry at the moment is equal to a size 10. Providing deals on plus size clothing may become possible as time goes on. At the moment, it is too early to say definitively, but your request will certainly be taken into consideration. Are there any specific brands (clothing, accessories or beauty) that you would be interested in seeing?
Currently, we do have great deals on accessories and beauty kits! Feel free to take advantage of those offerings while they last!
For instance, Evelina's Perfect Summer Glow Kit full of wonderful NYX Cosmetics launched yesterday! You can check it out here:
Also, our sale on stella valle jewelry launched Monday. View it here:
Continue to check our site for any updates regarding deals on plus size clothing and please don't hesitate to contact me with further questions.
Loren L.

Jeannee, Jul 31 19:04 (PDT): Will plus sizing be available in the clothing line???