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Friday, May 11, 2012

A morning in the life of someone w/ depression & anxiety

This whole dammed Mother's Day thing is making 'the usual suspects' (that create the anxiety, that slides me down that slippery slope into depression) harder to work w/ ... I was sitting here having coffee and thinking 'gee if K. had just been a real good soul I would do something wild for this holiday, like drive six hours to NJ to sit and sip tea w/ his mum! just celebrating the holiday, you know!' ...and that wasn't helping! and then CoCo had to go for a "w", so --

-- so this seemed like my solution!  A nice walk -beautiful sunshine -not even chilly like it was yesterday (ok, I might have preferred that, but nevertheless - a nice day! plenty of vitamin D !) ... and there are my mountains - very clear skies today, big green trees like broccoli's - I suppose if I had given it deep thought, I might have said they looked 'peaceful' - but even with surface thoughts, I was thinking I already felt happier !  And I was walking CoCo and I was feeling - calm.  In fact, I wasn't even thinking of how hurtful the holiday is (Mom gone - daughter estranged - if I'm very fortunate I get a one liner from the kids via their stepmom on a social networking site, and -I'm sorry! I just never thought being a Grandma was going to be so - I couldn't even tell you the name of their school, what they like, what they're into - it hurts every day, and holidays only make it worse--) -- I was putting all of that *stuff* down, walking my dog -- now, here's a necessary interjection to that:

I live on a small block that has my apt building and three houses - very small block!  So CoCo knows that unless I'm 'almost dead' physically she can usually get a "w" literally around the block :) ...... CoCo is someone very much into her 'comfort zone' - she'll only go where she sees 'home' and no where else, even if it makes her sick day last week, she completely surprised me: one of the houses around our block!  boom!  I wasn't prepared (outside of her 'comfort zone').  And later it rained.  And to be honest when I thought about it at all it was 'gee! she's getting very comfortable here and her comfort zone is expanding!'

So we're walking along ... niiiiice day!  I'm watching CoCo (she's on a leash) and I'm praying for a friend's son, Tyler, he came to mind today, and I know he has -reasons for prayer ... and we get to the front lawn area of one of the houses ...CoCo is a big sniffer (especially as her eyesight has gone downhill) so she's sniffing, sniffing, and


Since there was about no one else on the block, I figured it had to be me? so I turned around 


Now, surely - she said what she meant and she didn't say it mean.  And I didn't "start trouble" - I simply nodded, reined CoCo in, and walked away ... with hot tears in my eyes 

I didn't need this.

Yeah she was polite ok great give her a dammed award ferchrissakes the first time she ever talks to me is about something like this?! And she couldn't at least try to make it a conversation?!  Come out and pet the dog, mebbe?  I promise (well, almost ...) that if she had initiated a conversation mebbe I wouldn't have even said anything about the bird feeders she has stuck all over her fence that are for bluebirds that -yes, bluebirds are pretty! AND very protective - a few times I've had to shorten CoCo's leash so she didn't get divebombed just sniffing ...

And mebbe if we had an actual conversation she would have discerned that I'm feeling so fragile right now, so much fighting the feeling of wanting to stay in bed and hide and pull the covers over my head ... well, to paraphrase a classic movie - 'dog poop doesn't really mean a hill of  beans in this old world, does it?!'


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