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Friday, March 23, 2012

Endings and beginnings

My dear online friend "cupcakeonawire" (Youtube, blogger, extraordinare!) gave me permission to quote her:  " sometimes endings are best and are precursors to wonderful beginnings :)"

I've had those, indeed - and not just w/ relationships, but w/ places (i.e. my most recent move) ... however, I did indeed think of relationships w/ this, because I was grateful my online friend is having one of those - I haven't, it happened in the time I was offline, and it's not even a complete break - it's more like boundaries and walls and - let me start @ the beginning :

When I went home to NJ for Christmas, my friend Kevin and I had one of these talk to 4 a.m. conversations - and the loose, but close to the head and the heart, coils, that had stretched from Kentucky to NJ over the past 3.5 years, were re-examined ... and ya know?  Here is someone I've known since 1980 and dammit I am going to write our story! and this time

This time it looks like we're actually going to pull it off:  it being a successful, live together in the future, adult relationship !!!

It was so sweet and so loving ... and everyone around us -his mother, his sister-in-law - everyone picked up on it and ran with what they were seeing "oh ...finally!"  "those two!"  "ahhh, love!"

My returning to my new apt. wasn't an ending - it was a for now ...I'm six hours away, a one day drive, and there is the phone, and all of this would be only temporary, of course - because we were definitely in no shaded terms working on living together within the year

And to that end ... well, let's look at Feb - Val Day plus his birthday "when do you want me?"  I was planning my next trip -me, disabled me, six hours, driving, an elderly dog - but - you know - its temporary!

The first thing that went wrong was when I looked into public housing here - not thrilled about it, but I know it's decent and convenient - and when I looked to get on the waiting list - I was stunned to realize they had jacked up the price beyond what I could afford.  I called my boyfriend crying screaming and what did I hear? "I don't know what to tell you, dear."

Excuse me?!

But then it got really, really hurtful.  One part of it I won't talk about in a public venue.  And the other part was - that new little sweetheart name he was calling me -not just on Christmas - but on the phone, and on texts - he revealed ummm gee Jean I really didn't mean it.

All of this was over the phone, so at least I saved gas and hotel fees, yes?!

I was shattered.  I screamed at him as often as I needed to on the phone.  I cried, here in my apt, and as I didn't have my computer up again, I wrote.  I prayed.

And I'm still talking to him.

It's a long time connection.  I'm actually the closest person to him.  When I travel back to my hometown, its his too.  His mother and I actually like each other, and his sister, and his brother, and his sister-in-law.  There are subjects we've always discussed, that we still talk about.  And neither of us have good health - in fact, his is in the variety of "you're gonna die before 50, and you're 48" and yeahhh a doctor has told him that, more than once, because of what he's not taking care of (his is far more fixable than mine) - so I feel like - if I block his number - something is going to happen and someone like his mother is going to need to call me and I wouldn't want the shock of not being told -been through that way too many times !

But, I'm done.  This is not fixable - not after what he said.  Not after what made me realizing I could never trust another endearment out of his mouth - I'd always question it, I'd never believe it.

So yeahhh being here is really very much a new beginning - even more and more, than I realized

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